Relationship Anxiety

[Souffle_Girl12]

Hi everyone! Sorry I’m new to this.

I have anxiety and it has always increased during relationships but usually it corresponds with the realisation that the relationship isn’t going to work.

Ive been dating this wonderful guy for just under a year but as a result of COVID, he lost his job and slipped into a depression.

His low mood seriously affects my own mental health and I find myself just getting anxious. When I’m with him and he’s okay then everything’s perfect. But when he’s low nothing will help and he can be really grumpy and rude.

I finally told him he needed to get help because it was affecting me and he promised he would. But it almost feels too late. I’m checked out and feeling resentful every time he has a low patch because I know how it will affect me which feels really selfish given he’s so understanding of my anxiety.

I’m not sleeping properly and get intrusive thoughts of various scenarios ending the relationship and get no work done because I’m constantly trying to problem solve.

How do I support him whilst making sure I’m supporting myself? I’m seeing a psychologist but still feel really anxious. I can’t deal with the unpredictability. I’m worried that after pushing and pushing him to get help, I’ve already checked out and haven’t given him the time to get better.

I feel like a terrible person.

[TackyTapir]

Hi Souffle Girl,

It sounds like you are having an awful time, I am sorry to hear it.

I am glad to hear you are seeing a professional to help you, it really is the best place to start.

I know it is hard to focus on anything other than the problem at hand, but what selfcare strategies do you engage in when you are feeling healthier? Are you more inclined to watch a movie or go for a walk? Or maybe have a coffee with a friend and vent? What works for you? If you can start to engage in some more positive behaviours for your own feelings, you give yourself the best chance of making progress with other issues.

The other issues you are facing is really a tough one. It can feel like you are trapped with someone who is struggling, and to act in your own best interests can bring up some awful feelings of guilt. Is that how you are feeling?

Is your partner engaging in treatment?

Problem solving is a hard mindset, it can mean you tend to treat others with so much caution that you neglect your own needs and communication can fall apart. It seems like this might be what you are going through, that you are trying to support someone else, even when it is causing you to struggle. If I might be so bold, I would suggest that you try to communicate more openly, even if you feel like it might be counterproductive. Feeling like one is a part of a relationship which is emotionally open might encourage your partner to share with you, and hopefully a professional too. This can include selfcare skills, you could go for a walk together each morning, for example.

Finally of course, you have every right to look after yourself, and it might be the case that it isn't the right time for the relationship to continue. Only you can know how you feel, and where the line might be, especially if you are feeling like you have "checked out" already. But that doesn't mean you can't continue to offer support, in fact I imagine your experiences with anxiety might have given you skills you can share.

I heartily recommend you continue to speak aloud (or via writing) about what you might be thinking and feeling, through the forums, but also through professional channels, such as the online chat that Beyond Blue offers, or even Lifeline, (I know the Crisis Supporters appreciate calls that come in before a person is in immediate crisis).

I know you might feel terrible now, but you do deserve to look after yourself first. You can offer more to others when you are feeling healthier.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Souffle_Girl12,

The change in your partner has disrupted your life. It's brave to ask him to get help and I hope it works so he can feel better and treat you like he used to.

Losing a job is a big deal just like the covid restrictions we've had which is knocking a lot of people around so you're partner is definitely not alone.

You're pushing him to get help bcas you want things to get back to the way they were and want him to get better which doesn't make you a terrible person.

Checking out is pretty normal I'd say considering he's being rude and grumpy.

You have a couple options. To support him through this time, along with help or check out completely.

A year is a good amount of time to get to know each other, build a bond and fall in love.

Situational depression can also be overcome and I really hope he gets there so you can both get back on track.

Feel free to write in again and let us know how you're going.

🤗