Relationship Anxiety Attacks

[CCR]

Struggling to understand my anxiety. Probably had mild social anxiety for 30 years but it mostly surrounds relationships (I have an anxious attachment style). Anxiety dramatically escalated after a horrible narcissistic marriage which ended 8 years ago. Since then had 2 fairly short relationships with a borderline personality disorder and a severe avoidant attachment style - not surprising neither of those worked out. 

Have been seeing someone for 6 months. Very calm, kind, gentle soul. We are both so happy with each other and want this to last long term.

My anxiety has been triggered by little things not working out as planned.

I overreact, even when I know - logically - that it's no big deal and these things happen. My mind and body spirals into panic and I find it hard to hide my reaction or override the physical reaction happening. It is causing problems in our relationship - my partner feels like I'm being selfish/misunderstanding/overreactive etc. (and rightly so). The honeymoon phase seems to be wearing off and I know I'm the cause of this demise.

In turn, this is causing me greater anxiety, because I know my irrational reactions are causing a rift in our beautiful relationship. I don't know how to stop it and I'm panicking...

I've been really open with my partner about it, and he's really understanding. But I want to get it under control as my anxiety around our relationship potentially failing is worse than ever.

[indigo22]

Hi CCR,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear how your anxiety has escalated, although not surprisingly given what you have been through.

There is little you can do when you have these reactions, they are automatic and your mind and body's way of protecting you based on past experiences. The only way to change these automatic responses is to re-programme your reactions at a subconscious level.

There is a type of therapy called Somatic Therapy that I think you could really benefit from. There are several types including (but not limited to)

Somatic Experiencing

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) also known as Tapping

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing)

These therapies include talk therapy, but also go beyond to working on and releasing the trauma that is trapped within the body. This happens when traumas are not fully processed at the time, then become trapped and need to be processed at a later time. These reactions will keep coming to the surface until they are fully processed which is why you have no control over them in the moment of being triggered.

Unfortunately, there is no way around dealing with trauma, it needs to be processed and healed.

I hope this helps and I hope you will consider taking the next step in healing yourself.

Please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

[therising]

Hi CCR

My heart goes out to you as you struggle desperately to find a way forward that can offer you a greater sense of self understanding and relief.

I believe the nature of our partner will help determine how we evolve through our challenges in life. Different type of partners can be

• Ones who refuse to listen and feel for us
• Ones who basically listen but don't/can't feel for us
• Ones who listen and feel for us to some degree and
• Ones who listen, feel for us and wonder with us (as to what our challenges are about and what the best way forward can look like)

That last one's my favourite type. They're the type who don't leave us to feel or wonder alone.

It's one thing for our partner to say, when we're extremely stressed or anxious, 'You need to calm down'. It's a whole other story when they say something along the lines of 'We need to calm your body down. Let's breathe through this together until you can feel your body calming down'. A whole other level could involve them saying, after a sense of calmness is achieved, 'Do you know what that was about, such an intense state of mental, emotional and physical breathtaking hyperactivity?'. That's where a mutual sense of wonder comes into play. It can be about becoming more conscious together, both becoming more conscious of certain triggers, ways to manage them and how they've come into existence.

I say all this based on my own experience. In a 23 year marriage, it wasn't until the last handful of years that I woke up to how my husband manages my depressing challenges. From the very beginning of our relationship, it's been the same. Hindsight is fascinating 😊. He can get a basic sense of how I'm feeling. If he senses I'm feeling down, he'll ask 'Are you okay?'. If I respond with 'No, I can feel myself going into a depression', his response has typically always been 'I hate hearing that. It upsets me because I love you so much'. Then he'll walk away because he feels upset. Technically, that's called 'Leaving someone alone to feel depressed'. For decades I questioned 'Why can't I be happier for the sake of our relationship? Why do I have to be this way?'. With my new found revelation, I came to think 'You could raise me or walk away. You choose to walk away'. It's not a criticism, just an observation. A partner can choose to raise us to become more conscious of what we're struggling with, raise us to feel a difference, raise us through forms of self development or not. Why they don't or can't raise us is a whole other story. While a narcissist may say 'I shouldn't have to put the work in because it's not my fault you're broken', someone who lacks the skills, abilities and practice when it comes to raising someone else may simply not be equipped to do it. The question then becomes 'Who is the person that is going to raise me in such ways?'. You might find Indigo's one of those people for you, someone who can raise you to become more conscious of the mental, emotional and physical effects of trauma.

While I can rely on my partner/husband for some things, raising me is not one of those things. Again, not a criticism, just a fact. Developing a circle of 'raisers', a collection of 'go to' people means we've always got someone to go to when we're struggling to make sense of things. ❤️