Really struggling

[Maryjane12]

Hi I have been reading the posts up here for a while and have decided that maybe by talking about what I am experiencing I may be able to hear from some people who understand/have also gone through this.

 I will start from the beginning. I have had depression and mild anxiety for the past 3 years. About 6 weeks ago there was a drama with my housemates. I absolutely hate conflict, and although I hadn't actually done anything wrong in this situation I couldn't help but feel like everything was all my fault and I was a terrible person. Since then I have been having the worst anxiety of my life. I continuously get memories that make me think that I am a really bad person, and despite other people saying I am not, I can't get these thoughts out of my head. They are making me so stressed, and depressed and I am getting some physical symptoms like sweating, stomach churning, heart racing also. I don't know how to cope with these terrible thoughts that keep popping into my head, and as soon as I get passed one thought, a new one pops up. I feel like I can't get any relief and am struggling to cope. I am really struggling with uni at the moment because of all of this. I am terrified this will go on forever and I won't be able to function like a normal person.

Has anyone else had this before/ managed to deal with it effectively?

[Jacko777]

Hi Maryjane12,

I am glad you posted. This will not go on forever, you will be able to function normally again because you have started a journey of recovery. Keep taking steps, you say you have had depression for the past 3 years, do you have a counselor that could help you to make sure you are on the right track?

Obviously this drama with your housemates has triggered a reaction with a part of you, you might need help to find this part and work on healing it. When you get really stressed and suffer with physical symptoms, could you try some breathing exercises? I do 4 seconds in, 4 seconds out, not deep just slow, focus my mind on my breathing, I do it till I feel calmer. Meditation has helped me immensely to teach my mind to focus, on the positive not the negative. Meditation can be tedious at first and it is this brain training that helps you to sharpen your mind, no meditation is wasted or wrong. keep us posted, Love to you.

Jacko

[Maryjane12]

Thank you for the response Jacko 🙂

They sounds like some really good strategies that I will definitely try. At the moment I am seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist and my GP and I am hoping that with their continued support I will be able to get through it. I agree that the conflict with my house mates stirred something up inside of me. Unfortunately I haven't been able to get into my psychologist for the past few weeks, and last week when I had an appointment she was unwell. However I do have another appointment this week so I am hoping I will be able to talk about some of this stuff then.

Mary

[doopsnogg]

Hey Maryjane,

I'm really sorry to hear you haven't been doing well 😞 I've definitely had to deal with this before and in the past I have overcome it really well, but since my boyfriend recently breaking up with me, it's come back again. I experience the same things as you, racing heart and stomach churning. I also cry myself to sleep most nights and feel unable to breath; I can't leave the house either.

Recently I've decided I need to start doing things that have helped me in the past; so I've started to stop pushing away my family and friends and instead seeking help and comfort from them. You must know it's ok to ask for help and you don't have to be embarrassed. I've been trying not to think about him and other bad things that have happened to me in the past and instead been distracting myself by watching movies and TV, reading books and talking to the people I love. I don't know if it's the same for you but interacting with people helps me so, so much. Although it's scary for me leaving the house, going out and hanging out with friends makes me feel a lot better. I'd also suggest doing some meditation because that helps me too sometimes 🙂

I don't know you but I highly doubt you're a bad person. And this will not last forever, I promise you 🙂

Georgia

[Maryjane12]

Thank you for the reply Georgia. I am sorry you are having trouble again too. I am also trying not to think about all the memories that make me feel bad. I find that by not thinking about them too much when they pop up it is a bit easier, however it is really hard not to think about them. I am definitely hoping I can start to deal with it all better soon.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mary

Welcome to Beyond Blue. These sorts of flashbacks are really horrible and they always take you be surprise. I have not found a way to stop them appearing but when they do I try to concentrate on another image.

Prepare some good images for yourself so that you do not need to go searching your brain to think of something. In that situation it's almost impossible to concentrate on finding something, but if you have a place, conversation, daydream etc that makes you feel happy or good, then it is easier to switch to the new thought.

As you have been unable to see the psychologist could you see the psychiatrist instead? Also, do you make new appointments for the psychologist before you leave after each session. Some psychs keep their own appointment books so they can manage appointments better. Ask if you can have a regular day and time and regular intervals.

The memories of being bad, or more to the point, when you feel you have done something wrong, are quite a common event. I don't know if that helps or not, but I think it is reassuring to know that others have the experience. I would be very suspicious of anyone who claimed they had never done anything wrong in their lives. Those that think they have never hurt someone or done something amiss are obviously fooling themselves and have no insight into their own character.

We all do the wrong thing at times. I wish I did not and no doubt most other people think the same. So don't beat yourself up about it. To put yourself down and consider you are the worst of the worst is just as bad as considering you are the best. Neither is accurate.

A friend of mine once confessed to me how ashamed she was that she written something horrid in a letter to me. To this day, at least 20+ years, I cannot recall what she was talking about. It obviously made no impression and certainly did not scar me for life. So accept you are not perfect. Sadly, you are a fallible human like the rest of us. Our goal is not to repeat our mistakes.

So forgive yourself. Staying locked in the past will perpetuate your anxiety and your feeling of unworthiness. You are beautiful as you are. Rejoice in yourself. You are far less likely to do anything wrong if you feel happy. Instead you will be concentrating on the happiness of others.

Let us know how you go.

Mary

[Maryjane12]

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for your reply. It is really nice to hear from someone who really understands what I'm going through. It also helps how you normalized it a bit, it is good to know that I am not crazy.

I will definitely give your suggestions a go. They seem like great ideas. Thank you so much.

Mary