I'll occasionally (once every month or 2) have a period that can last from a few hours to a week where I experience extreme social social anxiety. I feel like I don't remember my identity or who I am, it feels like my brain is extremely foggy and my thoughts are racing super fast. I can't focus on anything and my short term memory feels like it is barely working. I become very depressed as I feel like i'm stuck in my head alone and I don't remember how to socialize or to be me. I just can't stop thinking that im a failure I am and I feel socially inept. When talking to even close friends it feels like I have to pretend to be who I was. I begin to stop answering my phone and cut off all my friends because socializing just causes me to feel extremely tired and depressed. I then have to make up excuses for why I didn't answer my phone because it wouldn't make any sense to them if I told them the truth as I am normally a fairly energetic person who enjoys socializing and doing things with my friends. After these episodes finish and I start feeling like myself again, I completely disregard the episode as an issue and think it's stupid that I ever felt that way. I slowly build up confidence again and start thinking well of myself and enjoying life. Just before the episodes start I'm always feeling more confident than I usually do and life is looking up then I just start feeling it again for no reason. The reason I finally decided to do anything about it is because of a very bad episode I had today. I had my first shift of my first job (I'm 16) and I started to feel this way a few hours before it. I was feeling extremely anxious about it and knew that an episode was beginning but I forced myself to go. When I got there I was feeling extreme social anxiety and I just couldn't focus on anything they were teaching me, I was being super awkward, I forgot everything they said straight away and it felt like my brain wasn't working, I had trouble introducing myself to people and there was nothing I could do about all this. I felt like a complete idiot and just didn't want to exist in that moment. I have no idea what causes it but when I read about depersonilization, the way it was described seemed similar to what I was experiencing. It has been an hour since I got home from the job and I am fairly sure the episode is over but I knew if I didn't do anything now then the cycle would just repeat.
