Problems staying away from home

[Dall]

At the age of 10 (1984), I had a charmed life. I had 2 loving parents and a younger sister (by 6 years) who I had a typical sisterly relationship with i.e. I loved her very much but she annoyed me much of the time. We as a family we lived in a nice 2 storey home with loads of children to play with in the area. And even though my Dad did drink heavily it didn’t bother me. He still helped me in my life i.e. homework, bullies, discipline, love and affection. He was never aggressive or violent to us. I was an extremely happy and carefree child. Then gradually things started to change. The first time it happened, I remember it like it was yesterday. I had agreed to stay at one of my best friends houses. This would be the first time I had stayed at Kelly’s house but I had had numerous sleep overs prior and on many different occasions. I was very familiar with the sleep over etiquette. Even though I had only known Kelly for a couple of months, we were very close. Then at sundown, approximately 5pm, what began as an action packed night full of fun and excitement suddenly turned into intense feelings of panic and fear. I simply could not stay there. I had to go home. From that day on I have experienced difficulty with sleep overs, camps and travelling any distance from home. I still suffer from this debilitating disorder. In fact just recently I booked a cruise with my close friend for 4 nights and couldn’t go in the 11th hour. What is wrong with me? Why does this happen to me? It is so debilitating. After reading through the beyondblue pages, I wonder if maybe I have developed an anxiety disorder.

[JessF]

Hello Dall, the mind is a curious thing. I remember when I was the same age, my grandparents lived next door to me. I loved spending time with them, but for some reason I could never get through a night of sleeping there. There was something about being in my own bed and knowing it was just a few minutes away that got to me and I would always end up going home, sometimes in the middle of the night and having to wake my poor grandparents up!

I used to hate going on school camps as well, but of course being miles away from home meant I didn't have the luxury of being able to run back to my bed when I got anxious and it always put a cloud over the whole trip.

I have experienced this from time to time as an adult, but not always. When I have, I think it has been because I haven't been feeling particularly secure in myself and being away from my 'safe place' at home has made me feel extra vulnerable.

I'm not sure what the case may be for you, but perhaps it might help to start by thinking about what goes through your mind when the panic starts. Like on this cruise for example. What were your thoughts? What do you think was behind them? Talking through this a bit might help you find some answers.

[Dall]

Hi JessF, thanks so much for your response. It was so encouraging to hear your story of your grandparents and that you still experience this now sometimes. It's a weird feeling isn't it? As in your circumstances, I to have been able to stay away from home on occasions, and stay away but have always experienced the first night panic attacks. It is a lot better when I am going away with my kids but on occasion it still happens then. I guess the lead up isn't fueled with anxiety about the trip when I go away with 1 or both of my children. I have tried to ignore it but that doesn't work either. Thus the situation of the 11th hour cancellation of the cruise. I am determined to fix this. I let a very close friend down with the cruise debacle. Soooooo, I have booked another cruise at the end of this month (May). This time is it with my boyfriend of 2 years. But without my kids. I wonder how that will go. I am good atm and really looking forward to to the cruise in 2 weeks eeeek, so maybe this time it will be different. Personally I think it may be attributed to the company on the trip. But as I have said above, I still experience it with my own children. It even happens when I go to visit my sister in NZ with my mum. If I don't have 1 or both my kids with me, it just wont happen. My sister had a health complication 1.5 years ago whereby my mum and I took an emergency flight over to NZ to help her. No children. It was not planned and I was so consumed with helping my sister that I didn't get the opportunity to stress about my anxiety. The first night was hard but after that I was able to put those fears to 1 side and stay for a whole 7 days. Albeit I was counting down the days to get home, I was pretty good. Hmmmm that is an interesting theory of yours regarding the level of my self security. I will definitely think about that.

[Rhu]

Hi Dall,

That sleepover with Kelly, I assume that was the first time you experienced anxiety about sleeping over elsewhere? Do you normally experience anxiety at other times when you don't have to leave the house?

Like what Jess said, it could be helpful to sit down and examine the thoughts that go through your head when you're having those anxiety attacks. Was there something else going on in your life when you were going to attend that sleepover? I can't say for sure but maybe there was something particularly stressful about that situation that triggered the panic attack e.g. you were already nervous about something else prior to that ?

I recommend talking to a counsellor or a psychologist as well to help you through this. They'll be able to talk you through your thoughts and hopefully figure out what triggers those anxiety attacks, and how to manage them. In the meantime, stay positive and remember you're not alone in this.

All the best to you!

Rhu

[Dall]

Hi Rhu,

Thank you for your response and kind words.

Yes it was the first time I had experienced it at Kelly's house.

I do experience social anxiety and tend to drift into the background in large groups. I have thoughts that people will think Im uninteresting (boring) so I tend to overthink the situation and get really nervous therefore making the conversations forced. This inturn validates those feelings above. It is completely the opposite in a business sense though. I am the chatty, confident, social butterfly when it comes to work. Although I don't rate my ability/skills in the workplace very highly. I beat myself up for mistakes I've made and consider myself a sub standard employee. Someone who is not extremely switched on you might say. I really struggle with that because I know everyone makes mistakes but I just can't seem to let it go when I do make a mistake.

Yes I agree with you and JessF when you say I should sit down and examine the thoughts.

Thank you so much once again. This really does help.