Prisoner in my own body

[Hopefull_]

Hey 

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is James and I guess i've hit rock bottom, it's why I'm here *I don't mean to sound all dramatic* But I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for over 30 years, depression on and off but anxiety is pretty much constant. Lately I have become very depressed, at lot more than usual and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things that I used to enjoy, even with the anxiety I did things like art, cooking, gardening, I used to keep my place immaculate as it helped with my anxiety, it was my constant, very important to me but now I've let it go. It feels like I'm losing myself as if Im being swallowed up by some terrible void. 

The reason I say I'm a prisoner I'm my own body is because I feel I'm not capable of getting back to a place that wasn't perfect but *doable* I feel very lost in this void, even around family, I feel as if i'm drifting away a little more every day and it hurts like hell. so, I guess I'm not typing I'm yelling in the hope that someone will hear me.

Enough for now.

James. 

[Hopefull_]

Im done !!

I find it very frustrating that my post can take over 12 hours to appear and sometimes not appear at all.

So thanks to everyone who supported me, I wish you all the best.

James.

[CMF]

Hi James,

please don't give up. I think the posts go through a filter and moderator first. I have some come back to me as they were too long.

i know how frustrating it is to put it all on the forum, try and express yourself which is hard when we feel like this and are trying to get emotions across and then find it doesn't appear. Happened to me yesterday too when I was very very anxious. I'm frustrated I have to type it all again. I feel like I didn't get it off my chest because it didn't post. If you're posting late at night we may not see it till next day anyway but we will see it. But I do understand your frustration.

we are still here for you. Please keep posting if you need to. I will keep checking.

cmf

[My_boy]

Hi James, I've read through your thread. A very inspirational thread it is too. The only comment I'd like to make is that you have already become a healer  - right here on BB. Sharing your story and your fight against anxiety has been, is and will be an inspiration for others who are trying to work things out. Perhaps your destiny is to help others out of their anxiety here on BB. The stronger n healthier you become, the more ppl who will be able to potentially help. What nobler gift is there than the gift of giving peace n serenity to others? I wish u all the best. 

[Hopefull_]

Hey to anyone who is reading this,

I have to admit I was very frustrated for a couple of reasons, first of all, like you said CMF you would put it all out there and if you didn't see it felt like you hadn't really got it off your chest. Secondly I would reply to peoples posts and I would worry that they may think I wasn't interested in what they had to say and may feel the same as me, projection I guess. I'm going to keep this short and see if it appears straight away as short post usually do.

I hope you are all doing well.

James.

[Hopefull_]

Well I'm feeling a little better, I've been doing some reality testing and realise that me and most probably a lot of others on here think too much, think too far ahead.

I've made a conscious, well with the help of an old friend, I want to really try and focus on the now, if I can achieve that then I think my anxiety will drop quite a bit. Looking back a lot of the things I used to worry about didn't happen, I would spend days worrying about something that never happened. Why though, why do we do it ?

James.

[Hopefull_]

Sometimes I feel intelligence can work against us, it's because of this that we are able to come up with so many scenarios in basically the blink of an eye, quite often these scenarios are negative, I don't know about you guys but they seem to be the one's that have a shinning beacon on top of them. So, I'm personally going to try and work with this and allow myself more time to think about all the positive scenarios that may eventuate, it's not going to be for me, but hey, it's worth a shot right.

James.

[CMF]

Hi James,

Glad you're back.  I fully understand why you were frustrated.

Well, it sounds like maybe the break did you good.  What you are saying about thinking ahead too much is so so true, it also applies to thinking about the past.

I'm having a good week but am anxious about this Sunday.  my daughters father has the day off, I don't get along with his mum anymore and hate going there. I havn't seen her for months. I'm anxious that there will be an expectation that I will go there with the little one. it's Tuesday, I'm already worrying about this.

If you can focus on the now it really works and its absolutely worth a shot!

I'm glad you sound a little better and your posts have appeared. I too noticed that longer posts take a while to appear.

Did you get hold of inositol?

CMF

[Hopefull_]

Hey there CMF

I'm glad you're having a good week and I hope you've been able to have moments when you are truly happy as, and I speak for myself here, I quite often deny myself happiness and I got to thinking, why? Did I do something wrong and I punishing myself for it ? No, I didn't do anything wrong, however I was made to feel that way, I was also made to feel like I was a bad person growing up.

James.

[Hopefull_]

Hey

Maybe I should have proof read my last post, It does sort of make sense if you read it but it has typo's and I seemed to have mixed up my sentence structure. The reason I'm bringing this up is that it's another thing that causes my anxiety to flare up, if I feel something isn't "perfect" or I feel like I made a mistake like in my last post, I get quite anxious about it, as if people are going to judge me, some may but most won't care about it the small errors at all.

But I still worry about it.

James

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

You mentioned you are already starting to worry about sunday, I get that, I'm a shocker for doing the same thing, I would come up with a lot of different scenarios, mostly bad one's. Looking back at all the times I worried myself sick I regret it, but, I defiantly have learnt from it. I look back and most of those outings, parties, functions, etc that I spent days and sometimes even months worrying about ended up being really good events. I know it's way easier said than done but try to think about some of the good things that you will get to enjoy on sunday, that may help reduce your anxiety.

James.