Post alcohol trauma

Gk19

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out because I’m really struggling and don’t feel able to carry this on my own right now.

A few days ago, over Christmas, I had an alcohol-related experience that has completely shaken me. I’m a wife and a mother in my early 30s, and after a long period of reducing my drinking and doing a lot of internal work, I trusted myself again in a social setting. That trust was misplaced, and things escalated faster than I could stop them.

What’s haunting me most is where this happened and who saw it. I was around my brother’s wife’s family — people who don’t know me well — and I feel like I lost my dignity in front of them. Because they’ve only seen me a couple of times, I’m terrified that this one night is now the only version of me they hold.

I wasn’t reckless in a dangerous way, but I behaved in ways that felt deeply out of alignment with who I am. I was loud, chaotic, and visibly intoxicated. I don’t remember large parts of the night, which has been incredibly distressing.

One of the most painful parts is the perception of how it looked. From the outside, it likely appeared that I forgot about my own family — my husband and children — and was instead seeking attention from other men. I want to be clear: that is not how I felt internally, but I’m tormented by how it may have appeared to others. The idea that I could be seen that way goes directly against my values and identity, and it’s been devastating to sit with.

Since then, I’ve been experiencing intense shame, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and physical trauma responses. Even reminders like Christmas, certain clothes, or objects from that day send my body into panic. I feel paralysed, stuck replaying the worst possible interpretations of how others saw me, and terrified that I’ve permanently damaged how I’m perceived — not just socially, but as a mother and wife.

I’ve worked so hard to be better — to drink less, to be more present, to heal — and it feels unbearable that none of that work is visible to people who only saw that moment. It feels like all they see is the worst version of me.

I know with certainty that I won’t drink again — alcohol is now completely associated with trauma for me — but I’m struggling with how intense this feels and whether I’ll ever feel like myself again or experience joy without this hanging over me.

I don’t have the capacity to write every detail, but I would deeply appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced a relapse, a public loss of dignity, or a situation where shame around family, perception, or identity felt unbearable — and who found their way back to themselves.

Thank you so much for reading and for any support or perspective you can offer.

Croix

Dear GK19~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Support Forum, and I'd like when you have finished reading this post that you will have hope, that you will have a sense of proportion relating ot your behaviour, and that overestimating one's abilities is not at all uncommon -particularly when in a stressful situation meeting others.

You have had a long drawn out problem with alcohol and by and large have managed to reduce your reliance - significantly. This is a victory, not a small thing at all. It deserves respect and praise. Sadly sometimes things do not go right, as happened the other day, however that simply means it is a difficult path and slips can happen, at such times you need encouragement, not criticism.

Your ability to correctly estimate your resistance to alcohol in stressful situations is a learning expereince, and here you have simply learned you need to trust yourself less with drink. Learning is good. It will prompt you to have a plan in place if things start to go wrong.

I hope that both your husband and your brother know of your difficulties and improvements and are willing to go to bat for you, explaining to your sister in law it is not a smooth road and it is easy to get the wrong impression.

Your actual behavior may not have been what you would have liked, and you feel dreadful. However let's look at it in proportion. You were not aggressive and picked fights, you did not drive a car and have an accident or injury anyone - both matters that really should be of real concern. Basically all you did was you act like a party girl, and that may be embarrassing, but your future more sober conduct will help other understand by contrast the battle you are having.

I would hope your husband and brother would have defended your behavior, pointed out what you were battling, and sometimes slips do happen. You too can write a note saying how alcohol has affected you and that overall you are winning, even though the the impression you gave was something that causes you deep embarrassment.

I don't know how old your kids are, or if they know of your difficulties with alcohol and understand your behavior did not mean you loved them any less. If they are old enough ask them for their help, to give you a warning nudge if they think you have reached for a glass, or similar. Help them understand what drives you to drink and how those factors can be lessened. Their praise wold be particularly meaningful.

It is, I really hope, a time everyone who loves you rallies round and helps you, not leaving you in the depths of despair - something you do not deserve in the slightest

Please take head things will get better, and while you may not be happy about this episode, think of the victories in the past, and those you will make happen in the future.

If you would like to talk more please don't hesitate.

Croix

therising

Hi Gk19

I wish to start by expressing how much my heart goes out to you right now and how much I agree with everything Croix's so thoughtfully expressed through such incredible support and inspiration.

As a 55yo gal who's an ex social drinker (for good reason), I can relate to how you're feeling shame, regret, anxiety, intrusive thoughts and more. When all that's to the point of being physically sickening it can feel overwhelming while spiraling into a full force tornado of dark emotions. The more it all picks up speed, the darker it feels at the same time. I hope Croix's managed to slow things down while shedding some light.

It's very true when it comes to people witnessing contrast. It's about representing or re-presenting our true self to others in the future. While we can be facing external judges, juries and executioners (regarding the people around us), I believe the ultimate goal can involve dismissing the case we have against ourself. The worst judge, jury and executioner can often be found within ourself.

I like to imagine us humans as multifaceted creatures. It's kinda like we have an inner sage, an inner logician, inner adventurer, inner child, inner financial planner or manager and all those other incredible parts of us that gradually come to life while coming to serve us. We gradually come to meet with the best parts of ourself. With alcohol, some of the facets we love the most go right out the window. Nothing quite like a mind altering substance to alter things quite dramatically. The part of us that dictates 'Whatever you do, don't do that' is drowned out. The logical part of us that suggests 'If you drink any more things are going to go bad' is drowned out. The part of us that would normally stop us from being flirtatious is downed out etc etc. You could say we didn't stand a chance of connecting with those parts of ourself once we started to drown them out more and more. Now, cue that judge, jury and executioner, all the parts that are about shame, guilt and punishment. Not good.

What is the part of you that you love the most? What is the wisest part of you, the most reassuring and guiding part of you? If you were to clear out that courtroom in your head and invite some sage-like element to sit beside you, what would it say? Imagine it. Maybe something along the lines of 'You don't deserve this level of pain you're feeling. You don't deserve to suffer so intensely' or maybe 'Accept the challenge of now learning new ways to calm everything down physically, mentally and emotionally so that you can shut the hell (in your head) up'. It definitely sounds like you're going through hell on earth. The inner dialogue in the aftermath of binge drinking can be unbelievably brutal and at some point it can go on to become depressing if we're not careful or fully conscious of its impact. I wish there was some way I could instantly raise you up and out of what you're experiencing.❤️

Toby

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. Giving up something you like, that maybe makes you feel good when you're a bit down, or stressed, will be pretty hard. I like a drink myself, & I know that I should cut down on alcohol. So, I'm trying. I'm trying to drink a reasonable amount and only on weekends. That's the goal I've set myself. Don't worry about the past, it's probably not as bad as you now imagine. A major point is that you are aware of the issues with alcohol & are trying to do something about it,..I know it's not easy, giving up something you like is never easy. But as the saying goes, "try, try, & try again". So, how about you try to simply cut back,...like me, have a drink at home. I definitely will NOT promise not to have anotherr drink, ...because I enjoy it, & to think I'd not able to have another drink, if I wanted to, would not help my anxiety/depression one little bit, in fact It'd make it worse. I remember that, years ago, the best psychiatrist I've come across (now unfortunately retired) told me He would't stop me drinking, because He knew I liked it. fSo, just try to cut back, set yourself a target,..a couple of glasses Fri, Sat, & Sun nights & see how you go? I wish you well..Maybe you could let us know via this thread as to what you think.

Sadie-Eve

Hi Gk19,

First, love and kindness to you.

I agree with the very wise advice that has been provided to you in this forum already and I can't better what has been said so far.

I just wanted to say that I know how you are feeling as I have been there in the past myself. But please don't continue to beat yourself up. What occurred happens everyday (I know not for you personally, and this is the deep hurt for you) but it does happen regularly in settings where there is alcohol involved.

I also work in an area where I have often seen women who have been focusing on mothering/ family for long periods, breaking out of the usual lifestyle for once in a long time, having a drink and getting out of their depth. It does happen and it does feel mortifying afterwards for the person involved. (The reality though is that other people who were present are often not invested like we think, despite what we so deeply feel in the aftermath of an event like you experienced)

If you feel comfortable doing so, you could apologise to the people who were present (being to the point - you don't have to expose yourself too much). Then turn to the important task of VALUING YOU and all that you have done to support yourself and to work on yourself so far and continue that journey.

Shame is so destructive, and for me it was often building on past trauma that had already created its own unique shame. For me this was why acting out when drunk and then feeling mortified was so painful. I can only offer my support and suggest you show kindness to yourself and be appreciative of yourself as you resume your healing.

Sadie-Eve