Please dont judge me

[iamanon]

My name is... lets just call me anon21.

For years now ive faced depression and social anxiety that I swear borders on agoraphobia. I'm also insanely paranoid to the point I cover all camera lenses on all my digital device and have massive trust issues (I got a new phone 2 months ago, havent been able to answer a single call). I've faced a lot of judgment and have faced several issues that have made me scared of all that is outside my home. This ranges from being bullied throughout my school years to being beaten black and blue by my "friends at the time" while it was filmed and i was laughed at by a crowd of at least 20 people at a train station during the incident. I was set up by them regarding something that was not their business, totally unjustified. I'm guessing thats a primary factor towards my massive trust issues. After this incident, I didnt leave my home for 11 months, I couldn't even set foot in my backyard. Years have passed since then and i still find myself in the same situation, though I occasionally force myself to leave the house just so I can say to myself "See, this isnt so bad, you're just as safe here as you are at home". Whenever i go out, I have this thought recurring in my head saying "you shouldnt be here, its not safe", Regardless of the place. Recently it has started manifesting itself in physical ways and whenever im out, for every second, I feel like im going to wet myself, regardless of previous toilet trips. I couldnt even stay the night at my best mates (known for 9 years) place 2 weeks ago without having to go home due to almost having an anxiety attack. Having already being a sufferer of Depression, The feeling that my bedroom is a prison has added weight onto it, I feel hopeless. I had to leave my previous workplace due to the anxiety/depression, which didnt feel good as I let down the people I worked with and didnt provide notice or a reason why I left. I self harmed for a long period of time but havent in years now, Just as well, I could never feel good working in short sleeves due to my scars.

I'm considering applying for DSP due to the fact that I dont see myself as being fit to work due to my psychological issues which have started causing physical distress, Would this be a viable idea?

Could someone also provide information on whether or not centrelink will pay for a psychologist for me? (Not that it would be easy for me to get to with my conditions)

P.S had an anxiety attack posting this as its so personal. 😞

[Rocky315]

Hope you feel better!! In relation to Medicare and psychologists, I recommend visiting your local hospital community centre as I'm sure they will have a mental health unit for adolescents/adults. They don't charge anything (I did this and have never been charged)

good luck!

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Anon21,

Welcome to the site. My name is John. There is no judgement here.

I am sorry to hear of your situation. It must be awful. I think Rocky315 is right. Medicare covers some mental health treatment on what is known as a Mental Health Plan. See your G.P. for a referral. If you can't get out, call those after hour doctors that bulk bill and come to you. "Homedoctor" or similar. You may need to search online.

Don't mind the paranoia. I was a Sydney cop for thirty years and my paranoia is alive and well. I only leave the house when I have to. I work on the assumption that I am under surveillance and have my telephone tapped. (I admit this is less likely since I've retired, but even the department admits they do this stuff routinely.) The place I feel safest is my home, but that doesn't mean I feel safe, just not as much at risk of harm.

Anyway, you are not alone. Keep posting.

Kind regards, John.

P.S. Can I have your first name? (Even a pseudonym like "Ralph" will sound better than talking to Anon21!!!) 

[Blue_]

Hi Anon! 

How brave of you! Truly! Congratulations! You're so welcome here without judgement, never forget that. Have you confided in anyone? Is there anyone at all you can trust? It's a very scary thing to tell someone what's going on in your head and life but a very major part in getting better. 

With the DSP, as scary as it may be you really do need to go to a doctor. There's doctors you can find on this website under the 'get support' tab and you can find someone in your area. If you can't tell them how you are feeling, try print this out and give this to them. They will understand, I promise. On this you've already written you feel you aren't capable of work because of you situation then you can get a certificate to give to centrelink and then you can get a healthcare card and 10 free psychology sessions a year. 

Please, don't feel alone. We're all here to support you and absolutely NO ONE will judge you here 🙂

Hope to hear from you soon!

Love Cas <2

[iamanon]

My name is Matt, Sorry about that, at the time of writing all that up, It seemed very personal so I tried to keep all details about myself to a minimum.

I'll give the doctors a call regarding their mental health plan and call up centrelink regarding some sort of assistance for a psychologist also. I should be able to make it to a GP, It's very close to my home.

Thankyou for your response. It means a lot.

[Blue_]

Hi Matt! 

I know what you mean, I was terrified of someone finding out my name. Once I talked more to everyone I wasn't scared anymore. 

Anytime, Matt, we hope you keep us updated. We like to here when you're feeling better and what's going on or if you just need someone to talk to. Keep posting okay? I would go to the GP first as they'll be able to sort out a medical cert deeming you unfit for work for the time being AND a medical plan at the same time. 

We're always here, Matt. Hope to hear from you soon! 

Love Cas ❤️

[iamanon]

I'm somewhat unable to confide in people, my only 2 friends are very... macho I guess. Lets just say id expect a response of "oh toughen up princess" from them if I tried to confide in them.

My parents know of my issues, though only the surface of them, they know i have rather bad social anxiety regarding the assault/humiliation occurance in 2008 and that its manifesting itself in physical ways now. They seem to think I use it as an excuse to avoid looking for work, like I feel entitled to not have to work a day in my life, at least, going from what i heard from them today (Currently studying full-time externally mind you).

Not to mention I overthink every little detail about everything, which probably stems from my naggy upbringing. how do i know that? because i was overthinking the fact that i overthink and decided to google "i always overthink things", not sure if thats ironic. Things people say to me and things i hear in my household dont leave my train of thought for days, my head somehow always finds a way to make me feel like the centre of the problem.

All in all, I'm feeling a bit better than I did when I started this thread as far as being upset goes, and it was a lot easier to post here knowing you're all caring individuals.

Thankyou all for the support everyone, I shall call up a GP at some point today or tomorrow and try to make some sort of arrangement with centrelink. Im not sure how the GP visit will turn out, considering im basically a night dweller and have been for years.

❤️

[Blue_]

It's so unfortunate, being a guy in that sense. So stereotypical. Do you have any female friends? Women can be a little more sensitive to your feelings sometimes. On the outside world anyway, not here. Pretty much majority of older guys/ Dads helped my through this which is funny because I had the most negative relationship with mine growing up. It's comforting. 

I think I know exactly how you feel. I was bullied a bit, not as badly as you though. It did affect me though. I can totally relate to your thought process too, you'll be amazed by all the people here that know exactly how you feel. Parents, school life, being so emotionally crippled the thought of working is just *shudders* 

Matt, you're doing great already. I didn't want to admit there was a problem for years and even with the advice and support of everyone here I still denied it all. I've been on here for 3 months and only plucked up the courage to go to a doctor the other day. My appointment is tomorrow. I'm excited but terrified. I've been to a few doctors and knocked back from any help which tore me apart. Found a doctor here on BB though so I'm really happy for you, Matt. Are you close to another family member or some thing? I went to my older sister before I went to my Mum. To get better you need all the help and hugs you can get. 

Anyway, best of luck.

Love Cas ❤️

[iamanon]

I don't have many friends, pretty much the ones i mentioned in the previous post, being reclusive can have quite the negative effect on ones social life unfortunately. I actually read one or two of your posts while browsing, a few hours before I posted my original text block, Just had a general browse of the forums and whatnot (Its comforting knowing that people are in the same boat, however unfortunate at the same time).

Bullying is some hard stuff to go through as a kid, If only the perpetrators knew how it would affect the victims later in life 😕

Congratulations on having the courage to make that appointment, im sure it will go just fine, I hope mine does too when i book it tomorrow.

Im not really close to a lot of my family aside from my parents to be honest, as far as family i see, there's not many who are in contact with my mum/dad/me/etc.

We can both beat our demons. 🙂 Good luck tomorrow

<3

[Blue_]

Oh dear, I know that very well but I also know that you find out who your real friends are. 

I know bullies are terrible but they are truly doing it because they have their own self esteem issues. You should feel sorry for them for being such meat heads and so petty. Now if I hear anyone say a nasty comment about anyone I pull them up. I am sometimes a hypocrite and slip up but I would hate to know that I've hurt someone's feelings. 

Thank you! It did go well. Better than I ever could have dreamed and I was a blubbering mess as soon as I say down haha. 

Would you consider going to a support group? You can find them on here, I assume they're free. Just Google it even. It would be just like this except hugs! I'd imagine. I hope there's hugs. I was thinking about going to one before I told anyone. 

Feel better soon! Cas ❤️