Phobia/severe anxiety related to partner getting drunk

[Mavis1989]

Hi I guess I’m just seeing if anyone can relate or offer advice.

I’m 31, female with female partner of 5 years and have 7month old baby daughter that is biologically hers.
I have a long standing mental illness hx (GAD, MDD) and a particular phobia around being around people who are drunk but it’s mostly related to being around a partner who is drunk. I’ve always felt like this and there have been points in my life that the intrusive thoughts and ruminating about it have become quite intense to the point where it seems like it was all I could think about and it was taking over my life. It’s not at that point atm but the fear of it getting out of hand is there 😔 my partner was a binge drinker when I met her and it bothered me from day dot but we stayed together despite it being something that it always causes me anxiety. When she got pregnant it was great and she only starting drinking at the start of the year after breastfeeding finished up.
Long story short, I’ve recently been discharged from hospital for MH relapse and my partner has been really supportive and it has strengthened our relationship. We had a really important wedding to attend that I was bridesmaid for 2 days after leaving hospital (I pushed getting out of hospital so I could attend-my depression and anxiety is only about 30% better but I needed to be at this wedding)

The wedding itself was beautiful and my partner was great to begin with. I had previously asked her to please not get too drunk-we have had multiple discussions about why I have a phobia around this issue (related to past childhood trauma) and I thought she understood the importance of respecting my boundaries especially as it was so difficult for me straight out of hospital to be there. She got extremely drunk and when I noticed how quickly she was drinking and asked her to slow down, she didn’t listen and kept going despite my obvious distress 😔 i understand it may come across controlling and I’m well aware of that but I can’t seem to change the way I feel and my partner changes into a different person when drunk, so uncaring and selfish which isn’t like her and I really needed her to be my rock this weekend and instead it was a disaster.
Has anyone had similar issues in their relationship? I don’t know how to fix my relationship without either feeling like I’m trying to control my partner or accepting something that my body and mind won’t let me accept without severe mental anguish. Please help 😔

[geoff]

Hello Mavis, and a warm welcome to the forums.

Congratulations on being a bridesmaid, such a lovely but very important role for you to be involved in and you must have felt very special, only with the fear that your partner may drink too much and then become intoxicated, a very disappointing thought that may happen, which unfortunately did.

Before I continue can I suggest that as you've mentioned 'intrusive thoughts' could be related to having OCD, especially as you say you have GAD, but please as I have it, I hope you don't feel as this has become a huge hurdle you aren't able to overcome as I've been able to learn how to cope with it.

We forget that everybody has their own type of idiosyncrasies, however, if you suffer from OCD they much more empathised, because it's difficult for us to let go of them, whereas others are able to do this in retrospect.

I'm sure there may be many people who do fear their partner/spouse of becoming intoxicated at social occasions, especially if that's not normally what happens or alternatively it's their norm, which does make your situation very difficult to handle, only because it's disappointing this has occurred and unfortunately, empathise your fear, the phobia which is controlling you.

There have been times I wished my ex wouldn't have too much to drink and on each of those occasions, that's what happened.

This was a wedding where you were important and for her to become intoxicated only took the glamour away from you and instead of walking away proud it ended the way you certainly didn't want it to and reinforce how you were feeling.

Can I ask you to place 'intrusive thoughts' n your search browser or in the search bar at the top of this page, many different types of this illness will appear, but I haven't seen on like yours from memory, although there are alcohol threads to also look at.

We would really like to hear back from you as there is much more to discuss on this particular topic.

I understand exactly how you are feeling and want to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Mavis1989]

Thank-you so much Geoff I really felt that you understand from what the replied with 💜 I really appreciate you taking the time to write such a detailed reply to me. I will definitely take your advice and look into intrusive thoughts closer. I just wish this issue didn’t play on my mind so much and I wish there was a solution. My partner and I are still barely speaking. I feel less close to her after this 😔

[geoff]

Hello Mavis, thanks for getting back to us.

Can I ask if situations other than this or similar have happened before, not that I want to intrude, just curious about how you are feeling.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Mavis1989]

Hey Geoff sorry about the late reply, not annoying that we don’t get notifications! This Phobia stems from my childhood I think and as a little girl being aware that my dad would drink a lot and it would cause problems at times and then subsequently being attracted to the ‘party’ type of personality in adulthood for some reason (I’m an introvert so opposites attract maybe?) so I have had many experiences where a partner has drank a lot and it has caused problems. It’s like I’m attracted to the outgoing personality but can’t stand the party aspect of it. My partner has decided that she won’t drink at all anymore as she doesn’t like how it causes problems in our relationship and how it changes her and makes her put on weight feel unhealthy etc. I don’t think this is a good solution though because now I feel controlling and I don’t want to be resented for this (even though I didn’t ask her to completely quit) I just wish she could just drink in moderation but it seems like she can’t in most situations. Like I don’t mind a couple of wines (not drinking at all atm due to new meds) but it would be nice to enjoy 1 or 2 drinks with her on occasion without it being a source of anxiety for me 😔 anyway I feel self centred-what about you Geoff? How is your mental health atm? I’m not as wise as you but I have been dealing with MH issues for about 17 years so definitely not new to this stuff.

[geoff]

Hello Mavis, thanks for getting back.

It must be pleasing to know that your partner isn't drinking and no you're not controlling at all, she is doing this because she must love and respect you, and that's terrific.

Yes it would be nice ever now and then to have a drink, but we have to be careful that it doesn't start being something that upsets you, your relationship far outweighs the thought of drinking alcohol, that's much more important.

I'm doing well and thank you for asking, over the years I've learnt so much and certainly experienced more than I ever wanted, but perhaps this has given me another strength I was lacking in ife.

Take care.

Geoff.