Partner avoiding money talks

[Coralie1963]

So my partner avoids talkimg about money in particular today when I asked our savings goal, we both agreed to save 50 dollars a week towards our wedding and house deposit. Every time I ask how its going he says "I will have a panic attack and melt down can we not talk about it" or changes the subject or answers without answering, but I feel like we should be able to discuss this good or bad. I don't think saying don't talk him saying I'll have an anxiety attack each time I bring it up is constructive, I want to understand his perspective but I am struggling, I feel like he might be hiding something but I don't want to go to a place of judgement. Has anyone got any advice on how he might be feeling or how I should approach this?

[amberlite]

Hi and I hope your well, My husband has his own endearing quirks and for issues that I notice bugging him I ask him how he would like us to manage the situation. I suggest several options and then I let Him formulate the plan. If you guys formulate a doable plan then Money doesn't have to be an issue and Your right, it's not constructive to use anxiety to avoid important discussions. It's real nice that you consider his anxiety and your open to understanding him, I really hope that you and him can work through this faze.

[Guest_342]

Hi Coralie,

I wonder whether you both might find it easier to talk a out if you talk about it while you're on a walk? Perhaps he might feel trapped if it's discussed at home and where eye contact is more of a focus?

I'm just saying this from experience - walking and talking can do wonders 🙂

Money is such an important thing to be able to communicate well about. Perhaps you could find some couples discussion flash cards (or a google search for lists of questions - there are plenty online) with different topics - e.g. take it in turns to answer questions like, "What are the most important things to you in a relationship?", "What makes you feel supported?", "What do you think works well when sharing finances?", etc.

Best wishes!

[smallwolf]

So.... I will speak from the other side of the fence (your partner and) ...

my wife does most of the finances at home. I can and did do this many years ago before we had kids. I still could yet it would probably cause issues for rest of family. And it would be stress inducing and the reason why could be traced back to my youth. I won't lay the blame anywhere however if you are constantly told things cannot be afforded, or this would cost $X at ??? As a result my attitudes towards money is less than ideal. But that is a different story.

There are ways you can broach the subject and lower his defences at the same time to get the answers you might be looking for. How much responsibility you want him to take is another matter? I would doubt his behaviour is intentional... rather a reaction to previous experiences.

If you remind me next, I can give you tips my psych gave me for communication with my wife.

Lastly, and for you... I understand the struggle and frustration you are experiencing and it may seem you are doing it all alone with finances, wedding, and house etc. All of which are big things.

Finance aside... you might want to reflect on the things he is good at as well?

[geoff]

Helo Coralie, welcome to the site.

Partners or spouses needing or wanting to discuss any money planning or if you need to talk for any reasons can certainly cause problems in this r/lationship, simply because you may not agree on the decisions, purely because they may interfere in what you could be spending a small part on.

Anyone with an addiction, and I'm not saying this is the reason at all, just a suggestion, won't want the money tied up so access is not possible or has limited available funds will create problems.

A plan needs to be put into place, otherwise the goal you're aiming for can't be achieved and this can also happen to single people when after 10 years they look back and wonder they have to show for it.

If he doesn't want to talk about it, then perhaps you could detail a budget, then leave it somewhere he can browse over it if he wants, then you've given him the chance, if however, he disagrees with it then try and discuss why.

There is every reason why $50 a week saving is a viable option as you've told us and perhaps it might be reasonable for doing a budget when you are married so a house can be bought.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Coralie1963]

Thanks! I think a walk and talk would be worth a shot

[Coralie1963]

Thanks,

I think you are probably on the right thought regarding previous experiences I have been reading a bit and noticed different people have different money stories and different comfort zones, it could very well be something from his past that makes things uncomfortable (could be as simple as his parents didn't talk about money, or something that happened with an ex). I personally don't love the concept of one partner being in charge of finances (that stems from my upbringing). But who knows he might like feeling like he doesn't have to worry about money.

I do think he needs some sort of responsibility / ownership, even if it is saving 5$ a week it shows he is trying and does see a future, maybe saving isn't on his important list or might be a stresser.

I do appreciate your perspective and it did help with me understanding his perspective, and I think it can help open a dialogue.

If you have some communication tips this would be great.