Panic starting - need to get this out!

[Moonstruck]

Dear people...just desperately need to get this out (if you can stand it)..feel panic attack looming....scared, scared...of what? Had my door closed all morning..scared neighbours would walk by, or someone would want to speak to me...or..or...or...can't breathe properly...write properly..sorry.

Two things really started me worrying yesterday...two things on top of each other....visited a pet I had to rehouse few years ago....wanted to take him home again with me...know he's not happy..has the basics care..but not loved....he's sad, needs so much more activity and interaction..nothing I can do..he belongs to someone else now...it killed me to leave him.....they regard him as "theirs" now...it's too late....I'm so sad. He is not mistreated...but is not loved. No one can ever love him like I did. I let him down- I can never forgive myself.

Then something re my little grand daughter...she reminds me of me when I was little..something triggered the memory of a similar thing in my own childhood..with MY mother...I hated her....glad, so glad when she died..my overwhelming emotion was "relief"....huge burden was lifted.....why did these memories come back???  

my son and daughter in law are fantastic parents!..it was just one thing, one thing reminded me of my childhood......lay in bed with silent screams..tears of sorrow and frustration and worry about the little girl and my pet...kept trying to console myself.....I'm so scared today....I'm crying all the time.

I decided to take the short walk to the store, instead of driving...sat looking at the ocean... - peaceful, strong..no-one can hurt you in there! 

But I have to pretend now....someone might ring...or text...I will have to act a role of the "calm, composed, "together" me"...otherwise they would be very uncomfortable...I can't say "help me I am on the verge of a panic attack...I am terrified".....my grand daughter and my pet are not in any danger - but I need to make things "perfect" for them...I love them.. I have to fix them...and I can't..and I can't bear what's happening in my mind........sorry, but had to get that out...please make allowances for me if you can.........luv

[SeanM92]

Hey there Moonstruck,
Thanks for posting.
It sounds like your having a really hard time, i have to ask, do you see any therapists or counselors?
Something else that might help with like memories and stuff, have you thought about writing your story?
Like type it up on the computer. It could help relieve some old memories and stresses.
Also finding something that you can do to relax like 'zoning' out to music or a movie.

Just some suggestions that i hope can help, Take care.

[Guest_1055]

Oh Moonstruck

Let all the tears flow, just let it all go....just let it all go... I am here with you, you are not alone. Do you like hugs, If yes I will send one out to you. I am sending out some love to you also in hope it will help in some comforting way. 

Hugs

Shell xx

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Sean and Shelley - needed that - bless you!

I'll be OK....think it was a series of things happening over a few weeks...then 2 emotionally confronting things one after the other on the same day that sort of "did me in"...and all these tears and anxiety just overflowed into an attack coming on...

..I get so scared I just have to "talk"to someone at those times...a bit embarrassing...like I am going to die or something unless I "run to someone" for help.......Sean, I do write at great length in a journal I've been keeping for many years...it's all in there..warts and all...yes writing it down is supposed to be a good thing to do...hope so anyway.....can be interesting to read back months, years later.

No, I am not seeing anyone professional about this at the moment.....it would just be a case of my venting and their listening wouldn't it?  I have spoken to someone in the past and when I relate all the stuff, I sound so phoney and boring to myself...like I am acting a part in a movie or something.

I don't need medication...(except to help with sleep, which I have if I need) maybe one day I will have to go to someone again.

Hope things are going OK for you both...and all my buddies on Forum...good night now....x

[Mares73]

Dear Moonstruckmy heart goes out to you. You do sound as though your anxiety & panic is consuming you at the moment. And I relate to how awful & all consuming anxiety can be.Youve probably answered these questions on another thread-so please forgive me for not remembering. Do you have a good GP you can talk to? Are you on medication ? And do you see a Pyschologist or other therapist? The reason I ask is  because these things/specialists can really help you with coping with anxiety. The physical effects are awful so I understand your confused & flighty thoughts. The triggers must have made things even more difficult to deal with. It may sound strange but the best thing to help you with overwhelming sensations is to try & sit & practise breathing in through nose 3 times then after each breathe in try to let the breathe out through your mouth to the count of 3. I know it must sound too simplistic but please give it a go? It's worth trying as much as possible.

please take care & let us know how you are X mares

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Mares....I have calmed down enough to function (to the outward eye anyway)...I know what the trigger was for my anxiety and panic to escalate....(I had been feeling a bit stressed anyway with everyday events)....it was seeing my pet and getting the impression he was ignored, definitely not loved or interacted with, and showing signs of depression and boredom.  I realise I could have jumped to conclusions and since that day have been building up this terrible scenario in my head, imagining the worst...(probably much worse than it is, I realise that).

why don't I just say something forceful to the lady who has him?  Because she's quite touchy about me anyway, sensitive to "criticism" and a bit afraid I'll try and take him back.  She has said sort of jokingly over time..."He's mine now you know".....when I check on certain aspects she says "yes he gets enough so and so..I give him plenty of ....." that sort of thing.  I was so upset I could see it was (still probably is) the wrong time to ring her to voice my concerns.  I run the risk of alienating her...and she may not let me even visit or make contact with him again.......which would kill me.  I could not bear that...but she has the power to do just that. 

I have no legal rights to the pet and there is no sign of cruelty which would warrant an RSPCA complaint or anything..

in the meantime, these obsessive negative thoughts about how much he is "suffering" continue to overwhelm me...I have never known any situation quite like this....where I am quite powerless, with "nothing I can do"...I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

He was my son's pet...and I feel I have let my son down..I promised I would always look after him and never lose contact.  I have an excuse to see the pet in about 6 weeks or so....can I last until then without driving myself mad?....thank you for listening...anyone who happens to be.......I know I am not making much sense.....