Overwhelmed & Need Help

[Mark h]

Hi Beyond Blue Community

I am looking for anybody that can offer some advice for feeling completely lost, anxious and pretty hopeless in the situation I am in right now.

First of all, I am seeing a psychologist for a general anxiety condition that I have had for most of my life and she is amazing. I also have a psychiatrist on board to help with medications.

In January last year my wife and I separated after 22 years of marriage. She was my world and to be honest, I just can't seem to get her out of my mind even though it's now been 12 months since we split. We both did silly and stupid things during our marriage but I was absolutely shocked when I found out that after 2 months of separating, she had met another man who was someone I knew and someone who was local to where I live. It made me physically very sick and whilst I wanted her to be happy, I found it difficult to come to terms with everything. Four months after separating, this man had moved into my ex wife rented accomodation with her and they have lived together ever since. Had she been with him whilst we were together, I actually do think so but who knows. She had an affair 10 years ago which I only found out about when we separated too. It's all very sad.

Right now, it's all about money. My ex wife is trying to grab as much as she can and I have bent over backwards to make sure that she does get what is more than fair (currently 62% settlement in her favour). I have two older boys, one 19 and one 16. My 19 year old lives with his partner outside of the home and my youngest lives with me.

I have been living in our family home since she left and that has been tough. So many memories. I have however purchased a new place which I move into in 3 weeks. I have a very sick father back in the UK, a house move, a business to run, settlement worries plus I can't get this lady out of my head. I feel she is playing huge mind games with me. My eldest son isn't talking to her and my youngest doesn't like going over to her house. I am totally overwhelmed with everything to be truthful and need some advice from community members who have been in a similar situation. I feel physically sick 24/7 and am desperate to move on and put all of this behind me but it just seems like Groundhog Day everyday. My concentration levels are non existent and this is affecting everything too.

If any of you can share some wisdom around this it would be amazing.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mark,

Thank you for such a brave, honest and open post. We can hear you have so much going on and it is understandable that you’d be feeling overwhelmed. We’re so sorry to hear the effect the separation and financial considerations are taking on your wellbeing, but we are glad that you could take such a strong and proactive step in sharing this here.

If you’d like to talk things through at any point, the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636, available 24/7, or you can speak to them on webchat here (11am-midnight AEDT). You could also speak to the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321. They offer free advice to families going through separation. There’s also Parentline, who have a number for each state listed here. They also have advice on co-parenting when separating, here on their site.

Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members soon. We hope you can be as kind to yourself during this difficult time as you have been in opening up and sharing with the community here, today.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

As Sophie_M said, you're brave to post.

I've had 4 long term relationships and gone through the dwelling thoughts of women in the past. Yes it hurts, time does help though.

I think the logics of her living with another man should suggest it is all over. Plus the affair 10 years ago confirms that you might indeed deserve better. However relationships are complex things and it is dangerous to be judgemental.

Distraction is an amazing addition to ones life in this situation. For me, 8 weeks of brooding following my 1st marriage break up was hell then I bought a block of land and ordered a kit home. With 2 shift work jobs, visitations with the young children and building I didnt have time to think about my ex and her new flame. It works! so think deep about potential hobbies/sports/special interests. If you dont have any then that is a problem in itself.

You have lots of worries ATM. Divide them up into areas like - what I can do and what I have no control over. Your father for example is causing you worries but effectively you are limited to how you can improve matters. Worry....its a problem . Please read-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/worry-worry-worry

If you accept that the marriage is well and truly over, you would be far better off remaining in contact with your ex purely for discussion purposes eg the children. One day your eldest might mention his mother to you and you would be well admired if you spoke positively and promoted him to visit her. Good deeds come back to reward us.

In terms of financial settlement I cant say much really except to give her what "she's justly entitled". Also you might qualify for child support for your youngest from your ex until he leave high school or turns 18. Any entitlement start from application date so get it in asap.

You might benefit from clearing your mind. Weekends relaxing somewhere other than home.

Once you've moved house and a financial agreement is met things will settle down.

When you feel better I wouldnt be afraid of dating just for company. As I said distraction is the key.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk-

TonyWK

[Mark Z.]

Hi Mark h,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story, I can tell that it must be very hard for you.

You mentioned that you have an amazing phycologist and a psychiatrist as well, yet the support are not enough to help you get back on the right track, maybe you can give BB hotline a call and ask them to refer other resources available. For example, peer group support could be a good idea. Have a look at GROW Australia: https://grow.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/Grow-Service-flyer.pdf 

To make it safer during the pandemic, they also have online version of mental health support groups: https://grow.org.au/egrow/ 

Hopefully everything will become better.

Mark