I guess I should start at the beginning.
August 2012 - consider donating my eggs to a women who can not have children - find out I have a low egg count. I start talking children with my husband
September 2012 - my mother in law passes away
November 2012 - my grandmother passes away
January 2013 - my husband tells me he does not want children. and I need to decide if I stay with him (no children), or leave him (chance for children) - I left him
April 2013 - I do not give my previous 6 year relationship the respect and time it deserves, I start dating because I WILL find love again, I will get married again, I will have children and I will be happy
June 2013 - my anxiety starts
November 2013 - my new boyfriend (T) cheats on me, it takes me two more months before I'm strong enough to break up with him.
Its hard to explain how it started and what I go through. At its worst I would spend hours trying to decide if I should be with T or not, even before I knew he was cheating. I would question his faithfulness on a hourly bases. I would break up with him weekly and then beg him to take me back. I thought if I could just make our relationship perfect everything would be okay. If I could get him to react to situations the way I expect then everything would be okay.
12 months on and I'm a bit better. I have a new boyfriend D, but I still over think everything. He has't messaged me for 4 hours - he does't like me any more he's going to break up with me. He hasn't introduced me to his family yet - he doesn't like me any more he's going to break up with me. I made a big deal out of nothing - I've ruined it, he's going to break up with me. D didn't hold my hand at the shops today - he doesn't like me any more, he's going to break up with me. We don't have enough in common - he's going to break up with me. I have a through - it takes control and I accept it for the truth - no questions asked. Everyday I over think every interaction we have and wait for him to break up with me.
Its been a long road. And with counselling I am slowly learning my need for control, knowing 100% that the relationship I am in is the right one, is causing me unrest because I will never know.
I know my anxiety is situational based. I was caught off guard by my ex-husband's decision not to have children and I don't want to let myself be caught off guard again. I won't let myself be caught off guard again (hello anxiety).
And that is my story. I feel good for putting it out there.
