Fear of rejection. Being alone. Failure. Being forgotten. Being disliked. Anxious. This is my brain ticking over, while on the outside I am the ice queen, my cool exterior giving nothing away.
I'm naturally a quiet person, yet growing up I always enjoyed being the centre of attention, dancing on stage, making a fool of myself to make people laugh. But over the past 6 years I've been slowly withdrawing, scared to interact in groups, that what I might say could offend someone or be misunderstood. I've withdrawn so much that I feel like I have very few friends.
I came to recognise this two years ago. A year later I finally did something about it. I've been to see a psychologist who confirmed what deep down I already knew. I thought that would be enough, that I would start to get better. No change. So I started medication. It's been 8 months and I felt great, most of the time. But yet I still don't get out there, make new friends. When I think about that, I fall into a suffocating depression. It lasts for a few days, then I start to feel ok again.
Writing this I know I can answer most of my own questions. I need to get out there, be motivated, try new things. One step at a time, right? But where do I start? Where do I go? How do I make small talk? How do I meet new people and make friends without forcing myself on them?
Desperate to get to the next level...
