OCD and addiction

[chap10]

Hi all.

It's been two years since I last posted on these forums. I had just been diagnosed with OCD, and had suffered for a long time prior to that.

Over the last two years I have made tremendous progress with my OCD-- symptom reduction, lessened anxiety, regained the ability to do things I couldn't such as read books, drive my car etc.. All of these victories were hard won, and I thought I would never get to where I am now. I seriously contemplated suicide many times when at my worst. I have been hospitalized three times on a psych ward (voluntarily) and all Up I spent 10 weeks there in 2016. I would love to chat to anyone who suffers from OCD, as I believe we could help each other. And I've found it is certainly hard to find people who understand... Though the ones that do are invaluable-- usually fellow OCD sufferers.

Though I have made progress, I am still debilitated in certain ways. In certain aspects of my illness I have made no progress at all. I am still dealing with alcohol addiction, and with drugs rearing their ugly heads in the mix at times too. I have read that it is as high as 1/4 of OCD sufferers that also have substance abuse problems. I have been to aa and joined online forums specifically designed to help those with alcoholism, and I have made some progress but always seem to shoot myself in the foot again. I haven't managed more than 6 weeks alcohol free at one time over the last few years, and struggle to make it to a week most of the time. I believe I have the tools to achieve a sober life, I just need to keep trying... I wonder if anyone else here has struggled with this?

Aside from this I am struggling with depression, albeit pretty mild comparatively to what I've experienced in the past. It is still very hard for me to put together a sense of meaning and purpose in my life, even though I know it is out there, I've seen glimmers of it in the past-- If I stay sober and keep making improvements with my OCD I know I could find it again... Right now, I feel so ashamed of myself. I know I have the power to change this for myself, so why haven't I done it? I have tried so hard, so hard. And I am really lonely now. Maybe more than I have ever been. I've alienated myself from my friends. I don't even know what they think of me now, most know I've been through a hard time and they are probably avoiding me like the plague.

[geoff]

hello Chap, I want to welcome your return but I don't welcome you for having OCD, and please I only say this because I've had OCD for 57 years verging on 58 years and know what you are saying done to a tee, and how crippling it is to control our lives.
You have been able to substain certain habits/rituals, but I'll just call them habits from here on, which is truly a remarkable effort, but I also had an addiction with alcohol especially when I was suffering from depression, fortunately no drugs were included, I had enough to worry about without including them.
I also went to AA a few times but I didn't like it because the older people always got up and told the group the same story over and over again, so it became monotonous, maybe it was because the group was in the country and had no real supervision.
First of all don't feel ashamed, you didn't ask for OCD, somehow it was something you learned to do or it was inherited, for me I taught myself to do this, and yes if only I knew what it would entail later on in life.
It started off by elderly family members dying each year so I thought to myself if I did this several times then no one would die, and then they started to happen several times during the day, such as, if I did a habit then I wouldn't be called up in front of the class and discuss a topic.
So pleased to talk with you. Geoff.