Nothing seems to help!

[Frosty66]

Hi all

I have spent ages trying to figure out which forum to post in; as I seem to fit most. I guess my main issue is anxiety (and depression, ptsd and ocd...). I have been off work for over a year due to an injury and in this time my life has become a horrid cycle of isolation, loneliness, massive health anxiety issues and basically feeling I have nothing to live for. I have to live though for my child. I am in constant pain from the work injury and scheduled for surgery very soon. I put it off as long as I could due to being a single mother with no help from any quarter; being in a cast for six weeks was simply not tenable. It is now apparent the surgery is required and I will be receiving some assistance through the insurer. My child also has matured a lot since the initial injury (May 2018) and understands he will have to spend some time at his father's whilst I have the surgery; and that he will have to help me a lot more when I get home.

Throughout this awful time I then developed mysterious pains in other areas of my body and I believe I suffer from health anxiety. I have been to doctors over and over about various symptoms. I have had scans and MRI's (at great expense to me) and all were clear. That was all because I was convinced I had throat cancer. I then decided I had tongue cancer; went through same regime to be told all clear. Now I have decided I have lung cancer and am just living day by day until I have the surgery for the work injury and meantime expect to have a scan to see if I am correct in the lung cancer idea. I saw a doctor last week and told her my concerns. She listened to my heart/chest and could not hear anything untoward. I did used to smoke and I told her that. She said she is not concerned that I have anything like that and she thinks it is anxiety...again. I also have pains around my liver and in my hips and I am convinced that all of my bad habits in the past have caught up with me. I used to drink and smoke a lot. Because I have suffered depression and anxiety since my earliest memories. I did not have a happy childhood and I had a major trauma at age 14 which set me off on this path of self destruction. Therefore if I do have something terminal it is my own stupid fault. I do not care about me at all I just care about my child. I have to live another 3 years to get him to adulthood. That is my only concern.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Welcome to the forums. Good on you for coming here and sharing. You'll find lots of supportive and like-minded people here.

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. It's hard enough being a single mum with mental health issues also, without having the addition of your injury. I'm a single mum too that has probably always had anxiety and depression, so I feel you there. I do wonder if you're getting any professional help for your mental health? Or have in the past? I see a psychologist regularly and have done for many years now. I find it helpful in coping with the every day stuff, as well as understanding and coping with my anxiety/depression.

I find it particularly challenging when I'm alone and don't have a focus, as with you being off work. I wonder how you're filling your time? Is there things you do to keep busy? Do you have hobbies that you enjoy? Or is it difficult with your injury? We really tend to get in our heads a lot when there's not things to occupy our minds.

Health anxiety is very real, and can be awful. I used to suffer badly with it. But these days it's on the peripheral. So it can get better. Again, being busy and distracted helps a lot. I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give in how to overcome it. The only things I really did differently were to choose not to google my symptoms, or to entertain my scary thoughts. As I said, it's not completely cured, but I'm at least not contributing to it.

BTW you certainly don't deserve something terminal, and your child deserves to have his mum around for a long time. Sometimes the unwell parts of ourselves tell us we don't deserve better, but it's not the truth.

I'm here to listen if you want to chat. Katy

[Frosty66]

Dear Katy

Thankyou so much for your message. I really appreciate you taking the time to offer some support.

I am seeing a psychologist but that is for the work injury and he is very dismissive of my other health anxiety issues. I am not on any medication for anxiety/depression, but will ask the doctor tomorrow if she can prescribe something. I have been on various medications in the past which I did not think really helped me, but looking back I think they may have had a slight imapact. My awful health anxiety and depression kicked in around May last year and basically makes my life hell. I try to hide it from my son. He is not stupid by any means and it breaks my heart when he asks why am I sad all the time. I tell him it is because my shoulder hurts so much (work injury) and that I miss my job (which is true). Unfortunately other than going for walks and reading I don't have any real hobbies. My darling dog was put to sleep Dec 6 as he had lymphoma and I have fallen to pieces more after losing him. I know I need to do more to keep my mind off this constant hell but it is very difficult.

This latest episode started Tuesday last week, with the ache in my chest and upper back. Of course googling instantly states it is lung cancer. And as mentioned before I have smoked a lot in the past and really only stopped last year when the health anxiety about my throat started. I know I will have to have a scan and that alone terrifies me but I know it has to be done or I will drive myself insane with worry. As it is I wake up a few times a night and start worrying about it so don't get back to sleep. I have to just tell myself that I have to be brave and deal with it; whatever it is. I am so terrified that I have lung cancer and won't be around for long for my son. I just can't think of what else it could be.

I don't have a cough or any of the other symptoms but that doesn't mean much. I know a couple of people whose first symptoms were back pain and I simply cannot get that out of my mind. I somehow have to get through today; I will be asking to have the scan as soon as possible when I see my doctor tomorrow. My other issue is that it is always worst case scenario with me. Always. I try to remind myself of that.

I am so angry at myself for being so stupid and smoking so much but looking back it was my stress relief...crazy 😞

I will keep you posted and again, thanks so much.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Anxiety is like that - always looking for the worst. I'm super sorry to hear about your pooch. You've lost that source of quiet, unconditional support, and that's a big thing. Big hugs (if you like hugs).

There are plenty of posts on health anxiety on the forums, if you want to browse around. I haven't read them, but maybe others have some tips, or maybe you'll find comfort in that others are of a like mind. If you did want to look just type "health anxiety" into the search bar at the top of the page.

Aside from that. I wish you well, and yes, please do come back and let us know how you're going. Katy

[Frosty66]

Thanks Katy. Yes I miss my little friend so much 😪. I love your dog; what is his:her name?

Ive been reading of other’s experiences with health anxiety. It’s such a horrible thing. I even wonder sometimes if the fear/anticipation/thinking the worst could actually be harder to deal with than actually getting a scary diagnosis.... one is torn asunder either way. I just have to get through tonight and will be seeing my doctor tomorrow as mentioned earlier. Have a good night and I’ll chat soon.hugs xx (I love hugs)

[iamanxiety]

Hi,

I read your initial statement and it was quite scary ,that's almost the year I had. just quickly I've had a couple of major injuries . a few operations . been of work for a year and currently separated from my family. the year took it's toll on my mental health and my anxiety and deppression really peaked .

I'm not familiar with health anxiety but understand anxiety well. it always finds something to attach to. in your case your health .

definatly try other professionals out. it's a hit and miss to find one you get with. if they are didmising your concerns I don't think they can address the issue properly . they may be unrealistic ailments to outsiders but to you they are causing distress and that emotion is real.

don't settle for a professional if you don't feel validated . there will be one that understands you just need to find them

Andrew

[Frosty66]

Dear Andrew

im very sorry you’ve had such a difficult year! Is everything ok now? Thanks for responding to my post.

I am seeing the doctor again today so will get the wheels in motion so to speak. I will ask too about seeing a psychologist who is not involved in the work cover case.

Take care.

[Frosty66]

I am scheduled for a chest xray at 9 am tomorrow; then full bloods and heart tests. The ache between my shoulder blades and in the front of my chest is seriously ruining my life. I am so scared and terrified that I have lung cancer or some other cancer and that I will leave my poor child motherless. He would have to live with his dad and that would not be a great thing for him. I am already redoing my will and trying to sort out my insurances as I am convinced I will not be here much longer.

It is the most horrible way to live. I have suffered this awful anxiety since May last year. I spent all of last year having tests and clearing one thing; only to get symptoms of something else then getting back on the roundabout from hell. Losing my beloved dog early December totally wrecked me and I do not think I will ever be at peace or happy again regardless of if I have cancer or not. My entire life is a wreck. I cry everyday and worry sick about every thing. I have no one to talk to about this and in fact if/when I get the news I am expecting after tomorrow I probably won't tell anyone. It is a horrid lonely scary life and truly if it weren't for my child I do not think I could go on. That too makes it all worse as I feel so responsible and so much pressure to be the fun, capable mum...all whilst I am having panic attacks and not being able to sleep or eat from the anxiety. Surely even knowing will be better than this constant googling and stressing out? And again; I have no one to blame but my own stupid self! I have always used alcohol and smokes as stress relief....how stupid am I!! I have had a very unhappy and unpleasant life and I have lost count of the psychiatrists/psychologists/medications etc that have had zero effect on me. The last psychiatrist I saw (three weeks ago) diagnosed me with PTSD, major depression, health anxiety, somatic symptom disorder and 'some' aspects of borderline personality disorder! What a mess!! I can't say here what happened in my earlier life but I absolutely know what started all of this disaster and it was at age 8. I just want to feel some motivation in life; not just feel I have to stay alive for another 3 years until my child is an adult! And through all of this I am distancing myself from him as I truly believe I will not be around much longer if my suspicions about cancer are correct! So on top of everything I feel tremendous guilt.

Thankyou for reading. Sorry to be such a mess.

[iamanxiety]

that sounds awful. I know what it feels like when all seems hopeless and no relief seems possible but it can be done, I have done it before. went from suicidal to studying and working within a few months. it can be done I know for a fact.

i can see the possible health issues are dragging you down but perhaps they may not be as imminent as they seem. you mentioned you have had tests and they came up negative . try to focus on that. I'm not saying don't get further test. please get them if they are bothering you. make sure to spend as much time and effort into what you know is failing and that is your mental health, just as important as your physical well being .

hang in their and try fix what's broken and spend less recourse on what may be wrong.

all the best

Andrew

[Frosty66]

Thanks so much Andrew

The xray was clear so now waiting on blood and ecg results. No idea what is causing it. I do think deep down a lot of it is sheer boredom, frustration and anxiety.