Not sure if I have anxiety, depression or both

[Laura2015]

I've been feeling broken for a while but there's no reason for me to be. I'm great at my job, recently married, purchased my first home and have an amazing husband. He keeps asking me what is wrong but I don't know what it is. 

I'll say what I do know..I always worry and stress which is a  cause of arguments as they seem minor to him but they feel huge to me. When we argue I get tightness in my throat and I end up crying uncontrollably. I am writing this with my churning cramps which has been happening all day.

I am a perfectionist, things need to be done well, I don't like criticism and I'm extremely defensive. when my husband tells me how my behavior affects him I get defensive.

We used to do all sorts of activities, random things but now I stress about how expensive it will be or where we are going, what if I hurt myself etc

I also get nervous going out with new friends as I'm worried how they will perceive me? We have loads of nice friends that I met through him (I don't have any friends of my own) just ppl I work with. He tells me message them and go out with them but I dread the awkward silences so I avoid messaging. I also hate talking at family outings as I feel the only thing I have to speak about is my work. I feel I can't relate to them as they are all in a different stage of life. I feel like what I have to say is boring.

This is what confuses me. I still do things that I enjoy like my team sports but I incredibly hard on myself when I make mistakes. However, when I do something good and my coach praises me I get embarrassed and put my head down. 

I also don't like the way I look. I just wish I was happier with what I see in the mirror. It affects our intimacy as I'm so embarrassed of what I look like. I want to be intimate, I do eventually and I feel so guilty that I'm such hard work as I wasn't like that before.

I struggle to fall asleep and to wake up. My husband says I'm always tired but I manage to potter along all week but burn out Friday night.

I struggle to make decisions because I'm afraid they'll be a bad and I'll upset my husband or myself or ruin an outing or opportunity. I end up crying cos I can't decide or I say I don't know.

I want to see someone but I'm scared they'll say there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm just a horrible person. is this anxiety, depression (I have my happy days and where I laugh) or both? I want to feel normal and be happy like I used to be and not stress and worry about life..

[geoff]

dear Laura, hi and welcome to the site.

I am not a qualified doctor nor psychologist so I can't really give you a diagnosis, as that would be inappropriate, but what I can say is from my own experience with depression and relate this back to what you are saying.

Firstly congratulations for your new marriage, house and finding a job that you feel as though you are good at, so presumably you would think that you had a perfect life, but from what you are saying you are struggling, which I am just so sorry for you.

There seems to be a few issues that you maybe struggling with, and again it's no diagnosis, however hen someone talks about being a perfectionist, it then brings me back to having OCD, but you also seem to have social anxiety and a low self esteem, and all of these can then cause depression, but I stand to be corrected.

If you do have low self esteem then you will feel embarrassed about any compliments given to you, say when your coach praises you, but then on the other side also feel guilty/embarrassed about contacting your friends about going out.

If you feel sick you then go to your doctor for his/her advice and then possibly need a script for antibiotics, well it's no different to how you are feeling now, you still have to give them some information, whether it's brief or in detail, but I would think with you it would be only brief, well that's OK because these doctors know and have the experience to be able to know what it is and what to do, they have been doing this for years.

So I would like to get your thoughts about this, and I do appreciate what you have said to us, and there is help, so would love to hear back from. L Geoff. x

[anotherPeter]

Hi Laura, nice to meet you.  Your post is probably the first one that I have seen on this website that means anything to me. Like Geoff, I am not a doctor or health professional.  I am just a burnt out middle aged guy fighting depression and anxiety.

You sound very similar to me in many ways.  My guess is you are a highly ambitious over achiever who is also a perfectionist and is probably addicted to stress (it tastes so nice to win doesn't it?).

Have you had any major changes at work? Maybe a restructure that didn't go the way you would want? Or a new manager?  these are the things that hit me anyway. 

The silly arguments with my wife over trivial matters also sounds similar to what you are going through.

I couldn't talk to my wife about things, my family motto is "keep a lid on it and don't let anyone know it hurts".  that's not exactly it but I can't swear on this forum.  Anyway my wife finally got me to seek help.  The help isn't really helping yet but I am in pretty early treatment for something that has been going on for a few decades now.

Please see your GP about your issues, and please tell your husband what you are going thorough.  And if your employer has an EAP then take full advantage of it.

I have found that reading other people's postings here on this forum can also help a lot.  I now know I am not alone in it.  Hopefully it might help you as well, just to know you are not alone.

I truly hope things work out well for you and if you need a friend to dump on, I am finding myself here pretty regularly now.

Your friend,

Peter

[anotherPeter]

By the way, your husband is probably well aware that things are not right for  you.  That is one of the great things about having a partner in life, they know you and they know when things are not right.  Telling your husband that you a have some problems will only be good for him as well.  From what you say you haven't been married for too long and your husband doesn't want to rock the boat but knows something is amiss.  talking to him WILL help you and it will  also help him.  No doubt he is worried sick about you. It is very hard to say I have a problem, and even harder to then elaborate on it but your partner in life should be your first point of help, after all, that is their duty and responsibility.  Seeking professional advice together is supposed to be more beneficial then going it alone.  Still, who am I to preach, I do not want my wife attending my sessions with me but my psychologist is more then happy to take my wife's phone calls at any time.

Anyway, keep your husband in the loop, his support will be the biggest part of your recovery. 

[anotherPeter]

Hi Laura, my first time on here for a long time. I really hope everything has worked out for you. I was lucky n the end. A new job 9although lower pay as well) gave me time to relax and get over things. I am no longer a workaholic and am no longer addicted to stress. Hope you are ok too.