No one likes me

[RML]

Hi, does anyone have this experience and how to deal with it? No one likes me, and I know if they do seem to now, it will end when they get to know me or I make a mistake. I've had repeated experiences of this with my family over the years where I think they like me and then I realise they don't because of something they say or do. Its gotten to the point where I don't have anything to do with them anymore. At first I thought it was them and not me, and I could find a different experience outside my family, in work and friends. But I have had this experience now repeatedly at work and I feel like I need to constantly move fast enough (before they realise I am shit) to a different job where people don't yet hate me. I have a few friends but I am withdrawing from them because I don't want to have them hate me. I have seen psychologists to try to understand this but it always ends with me realising they don't like me either and I stop seeing them. I feel like I can't seek support for this because I don't want to reach out to someone else who will ultimately hate me again. I have always asked psychologists whats wrong with me, what am I doing wrong that people don't like me and they keep telling me I am doing nothing wrong to make people not like me, but there must be a big something because this just happens over and over repeatedly. I wish I could find out what that thing is but every time whatever I do I seem to get it wrong and there is just a multitude of things I can do wrong for people to not like me.

[Dean07]

I'm sorry things are difficult for you at the moment.

Just reading through what you are saying here there seems to be a re-occurring theme that you think people will not like you because you are for some reason unlikable. If people get to know you they won't like you because there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

I doubt very much whether this is the case. Having low self-esteem or low self-worth can give you the idea that you are fundamentally unlikable. We can pick up these ideas from anywhere possibly childhood. They sit in the back of your mind like a law that goes unchallenged and alters how you see the world. We see someone react to something we say or do and we tell ourselves that they don't like is because we believe no one can.

I would try and find a psychologist that can help you look at how you see yourself and challenge some of the ideas. I think the answer to this is how you see yourself rather than how the world sees you.

Hope find a way to sort this out.

[RML]

Thanks Dean07 I think you are right. I have an appointment with a psychologist next week so I will talk to her about it. Its hard to separate my thoughts from what might be actually going on and it feels safer to just assume the worst somehow because that way I can't be disappointed. But that then ends up with me feeling really crap which is not a good cost to pay for feeling 'safe'. Thank you for replying.

[tranzcrybe]

Assuming for the moment you are correct, why do you feel people should necessarily like you? And if they don't, does that necessarily imply they automatically 'hate' you?

There are so many degrees of 'likeability' (or the inverse) I wonder if your interpretation is presently too narrow banded to accept the variables.

For some, it is enough to be 'politely tolerated' to qualify as acquaintances, but to advance this status requires some action or gesture to plant the seed of more lasting friendship and subsequent significant events that nurture this familiarity - a certain 'give and take' approach; but this takes time, patience, and enough belief in yourself to realise you are more than what other people think of you.

Easiest way to be liked is to do the things you like - welcoming and actively encouraging those who wish to join in. This equally applies if you are one of the latter: participate without expectation and just enjoy the interaction until something arises either way.

[amd1953]

Hi RML,

I have had a similar experience with people over the decades.   First at school and then out in the workforce.   I have never been a popular person anywhere and it is rare for people to warm to me.   I have no idea what it is about me or if it is indeed just me or their expectation of me.   I don't think I will ever find out.   It wasn't until I retired in 2018 that I found some relief from the mental anguish that this torture gave me.   That is well over sixty years of pain and suffering.   No matter what I did, I always seemed to upset people and they got angry with me.   It didn't matter who it was.   To me, it seemed like there was someone waiting around every corner to beat the living daylights out of me.  Now, I have the luxury of not having to worry about what people think about me any more and I am a better person for it.   I just stay away from everyone now and live alone and keep myself happy.   There never have been such times of freedom.

Regards

AMD

[JacintaMarie]

Hi, I feel like this too, it's hard but it's in your head. If their true friends they won't care about mistakes, it's only when you make the same one & not all the time.

[Fairmaiden64]

You sound like you could be my twin. This too has been my entire life with 60 around the next corner. I find myself also having less and less tolerance of other people these days, instead of just the other way around. I enjoy living alone but am always fighting in the quick sand