No good at small talk

[Guest_1055]

Today I find myself thinking, probably over thinking.....well I am not good at small talk. Anyone got any thoughts on small talk? I know it can be helpful in a way but seems meaningless in other ways.

OK bye now

Shelley xxx

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Sherie and hi dear Mary

Thanks heaps for your time in replying to me. My brain is not working well now. So I will answer you both as soon as I am able.

Hugs

Shell xx

[blondguy]

Hey Shelleybelly

I think I know what mindset you are coming from. I know that Mary and Sherie have given some solid advice here so I will keep this brief.

If I was in a dark place (bad mood...little sleep...bills...family issues...belligerent daughter..) and someone asked me how my day was I would (just me) answer...."Not too good right now..actually pretty bad" That is how I would answer that if I was doing it hard like you are now and I was doing in Jan this year when I joined BB.

If I was doing okay and asked the same question I would answer "pretty good today...I saw the ceiling when I woke up this morning so I am doing okay and thanks" (or words to the effect)

Shelleybelly, you dont have to agonize about getting back to me or anyone....People respond to you because they really care about you 🙂

You were there for me on Jan 5 this year when I joined....My memory is accurate...and I thank you for that.

No one will judge you here as you know, but if you wish to give anymore detail be my guest 🙂 You have been on here for ages and helped so many people...No matter what you post, 99.9% of us wouldnt know if you lived in Broome WA or Merimbula NSW.

I know you have been doing it tough Shelleybelly.....I just think you deserve to be 'waited on' for a change...

I really hope some of that was a help

BearHug (((Shell)))

Paulxxx

[Guest_1055]

Hello dear MsPurple

I was just about to go to sleep and I noticed your reply to me. Oh it is so very kind of you. Thankyou for what you said, I felt encouraged and honoured that you posted in here. Bless you!

And as you appear quite new on here, may I welcome you to Beyond Blue with a hug? That is if you like hugs.

I will read your words again.

In kindness

Shell xx

[Markpete]

Easy to freak out when someone wants something from you. Me? Who is me?

Who are they? Why do they want to know?

Small talk can appear so pointless you can't even open your mouth. Hell, the universe is expanding, its actually accelerating!! and you want to know what?

Strategy 1: The thruth behind small talk. Q. How was your day? A1. Not as good as Einsteins (contains science, success, speed of light, energy, theories etc as possible expansions). A2. Better than Thomas Edison's (2000 failed light bulb attempts).

The idea being a simple quirky answer that actually contains the seeds of something that does matter to you, if its picked up by the other thats good, if not you've learned something about them. Don't be afraid of leading the conversation to where you want it to go. With friends after golf the other day i turned the small talk into discussion of space/time, gravity, cell repair and how cancer cells behave and whether there might other "forces" at work. Say a glass falls over, there's your gravity discussion. Or something cryptic - "Well the world is as it is but its not what it seems." "if i wasn't wearing shoes i'd have bare feet".

Your thoughts and words are valuable because they are you. Give them away with love and care and humour if you can. But then of course some people don't deserve them, don't waste them.

[Guest_1055]

To Sherie, Mary, Paul (Mr Woof), MsPurple and Markpete. I have read these replies several times over the last couple of days. And I am finding it a challenge to answer. As small talk just sounds dumb. I understand there is a most likely a correct cultural answer to some "small talk ", for example "how are you"? then you hear the cultural correct answer of " fine thanks". Or you hear the question I was asked.

I have tried practicing these prescribed answers but found that I feel just plain yuck and false or fake.

I have been to gatherings where you hear people engaging in talk that appears to be happy but really isn't. Some people even appear to have a false laugh even.

I am now feeling a bit cross now as I still don't get the significance of small talk. I know I have asked people how they are, but I actually want to know how they are feeling pretty much. This is confusion now....so best end it.

And Markpete, I could see you are a deep thinker, properly well read in many books. And like scientific things. So now my mind is wondering why have you come to Beyond Blue? Well a special welcome hello to both you and MsPurple. And I don't think the welcome is small talk, because I do really want you to feel at ease and comfortable here. And that someone cares about you also.

From a slightly confused and muddled

Shell xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Shell,

I read an article on conversation that suggested that relationships start as small talk and depending on how much information people choose to share the relationship will either stay superficial or will deepen over time.

In order for the relationship to move past superficial, both participants must be willing to share more information, listening and receiving more information. If only one person does this it will not work. You can liken it to a dance if you like where if one person stands still, it doesn't matter how much effort the other person puts in.

Often strangers will expect a short answer to the question how was your day. I use the phrases ok or not too bad or "getting there". I use "getting there" when it is crap and I don't want to lie. I think I am a bit like you Shell in that I don't like being false.

If on a second encounter a person remembers a detail...e.g. how are you, did you get up to much today.. you might offer one thing you did....then ask about theirs. The next time you see them you might offer a bit more info..... it is a gradual sharing of information until you both feel comfortable.

Some people are scared off by too much too soon. Small talk invariably feels awkward to start but becomes easier over time. Like with you and I, I know when you ask after me that you really mean it and I can open my heart to you.

Lastly, and most importantly....the person who made you feel like this sounds like an ass to me. In all seriousness, they are lucky it wasn't me because I would have told them where to get off. So incredibly rude Shell and no reflection on you at all. My guess is that they wanted you to say "fine, how was yours?", so they could talk about themself.

You're too good for that person Shell..they have no social manners at all. Even if they weren't expecting a full response, a nice person would listen anyway.

Be proud of who you are Shell.

Love to you xx

[Markpete]

Hello Shell, and thanks for your welcome. Came here by accident really when i was searching about mindfulness. I am an old man and we generally bore people to death with our self-perceived wisdom, I'll try hard not to!

Your account of the gathering reminds me of when i was sent to boarding school from the country, injected into such a strange world, i thought they were all actors in a play and i was the only real person there, someone somewhere was controlling it all. My world and the world i was put in had no connection, they were completely seperate. Eventually i guess i mostly acclimatized, but the world i was trying to be a part of was never wholly convincing.

It seems you don't want to have a "social persona", because you value honesty and truth so much, most people develop a social persona without knowing they have done it, it is considered "normal". You feel "yuck" when you are pretending and not being yourself, thats a pretty tough judgement to put on yourself, but not the real "problem" i don't think. What is the cause of the "division" or "gap" between you and the rest of the "normal" world? I have a feeling/guess (but i am often wrong) that it might be some very strong persistent and deep question you want the answer to, all your social interactions are firstly filtered through this "thing", and most are judged as being shallow/fake/irrelevant, and you can't respond to trivial things because there is no point or meaning, that's a good thing in many ways, but doesn't make going to a party any easier!

If there is any truth in that, the answer is not to learn how to be social, but to find the answer to your question.

When i was a very troubled/confused young man, as opposed to being a troubled confused old man, my disappointed father in frustration asked me what i wanted, all i could say was "I just want to be happy". That was my "primary filter", all my actions and choices (mostly its an unconscious process) were based on this desire even if i didn't know it. Like being lost in a forest, going here and there, suspecting there is a way out but not knowing how or where it might be. The answer is in the heart, not in the brain.

Be wary of old men they can't stop telling stories!

Lastly, don't worry about it! Its not a big problem.

[Guest_1055]

True.... I did drag this thread on out Sherie.

The person who asked that particular question was someone I have known of for a while. The words coming from this person sometimes hurt. Plus I was struggling a bit that day, so I was much more sensitive then usual.

I understand what you are saying about answering people on the checkouts. Sometimes I actually feel quite awkward when I am asked a small talk question in that circumstance. Other days I am much bolder and can answer more easily.

I actually feel like such a baby now, and wish I was more thick skinned . Thankyou for replying dear Sherie.

Love

Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Mary

Yes it has been a while since we last had a discussion. You hit me with a "small talk question" right at the beginning of your post ha ha. You asked me how I was going? That question is another one that has stumped me!

Yes you are more then welcome to contribute to this thread Mary.

I have to be honest, this topic is still muddled for me. However I do understand what Sherie said in regards to conversation in a supermarket, it is like you are acknowledging the person is actually a human and not a robot.

I am not sure what else to say there. Though I did a Google search on "hating small talk". I now know there are other people who feel pretty similar to me in this regard.

Thanks Mary

Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear MsPurple

I have read your reply again. I totally agree it is so much more harder to engage in small talk when you feel anxious or depressed. When I am feeling very much in that dark place, I don't even feel like talking much at all.

Thankyou so much for your kindness and encouragement.

And if you are reading this, I do hope you are OK.

Love

Shell xx

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