No good at small talk

[Guest_1055]

Today I find myself thinking, probably over thinking.....well I am not good at small talk. Anyone got any thoughts on small talk? I know it can be helpful in a way but seems meaningless in other ways.

OK bye now

Shelley xxx

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mister M

That is really interesting you feel scattered too. Do you think it has anything to do with the feeling of being lost, not knowing the direction to go, thus finding it hard to make decisions. For me that scattered feeling is also overwhelming as well, and it is hard to focus on one thing at a time. And I find it challenging to make decisions or something.

Anyway this reply to you now, is a example of how my brain finds it a real challenge to stay on one topic at a time. As my reply has nothing to do with the actual thread topic of small talk, (well I don't think it does) so I hope that is OK?

So do you just wait to here back from the uni?

Hugs

Shell xx

[White_Rose]

Hi Shelley

Thanks for asking, I'm OK today. Do you get any help with your social anxiety? By that I mean do you see your doctor regularly or a counselor or psychologist? It sounds so crippling for you but is a condition that can be helped. I would like to think someone was helping you in your struggles. BB is a great place to be, to exchange experiences and offer advice, suggestions and comfort, but it can only help so far. So if you feel OK, telling us how much other help you are getting would be great to know.

Also do not be sad about your caller. I have no doubt he was after more than your name. People who door knock for no apparent reason always have a reason, usually for their own advantage. So put this one out of your mind, he is not worth upsetting yourself for. His disappointment was because he had no succeeded in conning you in some way and frankly it's good he missed out here.

Just a thought. Do you have a security screen door on your home? If so you can open the front door without anyone being able to get in. Just shut the door if the person feels scary.

Mary

[MisterM]

Hi Shelley,

Thanks for replying.
I am always scattered and find it very hard to make a decision.
I've changed my mind so many times lately when it comes to deciding what I want to do in life.
Even my friend and family tell me I keep umming and arrring and changing my mind.
The other day I was getting frustrated trying to figure out uni, finding a place to live so I can escape my parents and thinking about finding a job that I got a massive headache and felt deflated.
With uni I have to wait and see, as I did no maths in VCE it may prevent me from getting accepted.

[Guest_1055]

Oh Mary I am so sorry if I gave you the impression that I was crippled with social anxiety. I am just no good at small talk. And about the screen door, well yes we have one, and I live with two family members who are both male, physically strong, and are quite protective of me. I am taken care off in that regard.I was not physically scared of this man, just scared to verbally having to confront him using words, that's all.

I am not sure what else to say to you now.

Hug

Shelley xx

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mister M

Thankyou for all your hugs that you gave to me in the other thread. I am now trying to pick up this conversation now. But I am not sure I can actually do it....

I have read on another one of your threads that you have now been accepted into uni. What  day to you start? I have been thinking about the prospect about going to uni some day. If I was to go, I think I would like to study about nutrition and that sort of thing.

Yes it is hard to make decisions because there are so many choices staring at you or something. It is far more easier if someone could just direct you...well that is what it is like for me.

 I do hope you are OK Mister M.

Hugs

Shelley xxt

[MisterM]

Hi Shelley,

Thank you for posting.
I am glad you are back and I hope my hugs were well felt 🙂

I start uni on the 29th of Feb.
I hope you can realise what you want to do and go for it.
Indecision was such a drainer for me, made me feel stressed out.
I wish I had an epiphany, would be easier to make a choice.
My niece said I'm a good teacher so I guess there it is for me haha.

I hope you are feeling better.
Hugs xx

[Guest_1055]

I have brought this thread back out, because just now I have failed again at the stupid stupid small talk. Someone asked me "how was your day?" I didn't know how to answer the question. I found out they didn't want a list of the things I did and they didn't want a list of any deep stuff, i.e. How I am feeling. If they want to know the weather, you can get that info elsewhere. Anyway the whole experience left me in tears and the person said to me that I failed in answering their question.

So if anyone is reading this, what do you say to the question "how was your day?"

Oh this person ended up getting impatient and cross with me. I do believe they didn't really want to know anything anyway. So why bother asking me if they really don't really want to know.

[Guest_5218]

Shell, you've dragged this out of the archives!

Was this 'someone' anyone you know well? For example I sometimes get the casual question from shopkeepers or checkout operators "Hows your day going"? They really arent after any detail, and I figure they really dont care anyway. I usually say sometime simple like "busy", or "okay so far, how about you"? It really is just 'small talk' and basically just an attempt at polite conversation.

If, on the other hand this was someone you know fairly well, then it was extremely rude of them to actually say to you that you have failed in your attempt to answer their question. If it was a close friend or family member and they asked how I am, they usually genuinely want to know. So I would give them a bit more detail about things that have happened during the day (like my car breaking down) or that I have been really busy at work. In other words that I'm frustrated (car) worried (cost to repair) very tired (too much work). Even for family however, I do not relate anything to do with personal or emotional wellbeing. I just consider that to be a very private matter, and keep it to myself.

I am really sorry that it has ended in you being so upset about it and in tears.

Now wipe away those tears, you did nor said nothing wrong. You took the question at face value and responded accordingly. Its not your fault they didnt really want a true and accurate answer.

See you in the Cafe - I see you've organised a Pizza night. (-:

Sherie xx

[White_Rose]

My Dear Shelley

It's been a while since we last 'spoke' on BB. How are you going? I see you have started a very successful Walking thread. And you are frequently in the BB cafe cooking up treats for everyone. I have come across a couple of your answers in other threads and I see you are still the same kind-hearted person with a deep artistic talent. My mouth was watering when I read your description of chocolates.

I would love to contribute to this thread if that's OK with you.

I am so sorry you think you have failed at small talk. I think the failure, if that is the right word, was on the part of your companion who made no effort to help you in your dilemma. If it's any consolation I find at times I am lost for words and that does not happen very often.

What does the phrase, "How was your day?" actually mean? To some extent it does depend on the context. For example, between spouses it may be a genuine query because they care what the other has done that day. Mostly though it is a general comment, part of the 'greasing the wheels of communication' stuff we talked about earlier.

It's difficult to give a definitive answer as I do not know the circumstances of the conversation. At a guess I would say the person asking the question was just making conversation. The usual reply is, "Fine thank you and how are you (or how was your day)".

I agree the person was not after any particular information and this is usually the case. I feel he/she was a little unkind to you and became unnecessarily angry. In the same situation I believe I would have smiled and said something like "I'm not asking for details, just to know if your day is good".

So the initial inquiry and expected response was simply the beginning of a general chit chat to establish a brief rapport. Similar questions are "How are you" "Gosh it's cold" "What a lovely view" etc. Neither party needs a detailed reply as they are just establishing a warm intention to each other. Animals have similar customs to establish the intentions of the other, usually by sniffing. We higher human beings are little more circumspect. This is where I would put a smiley face if I could do so. I just cannot manage that technical task.

So Shelly, how was your day? A good one I hope. Your response is Yes thank you and how are you? Honour is satisfied on both sides. Let me know if that was helpful.

Mary

[MsPurple]

HI Shelley

I'm sorry about your experience. I've had a few similar moments where I'm struggling to hold everything in. Small talk when you are really anxious or depressed can be really hard, because your mind is racing. It is completely normal to struggle with it at times, however it can be very frustrating (as i know first hand). I find that if its a true friend I might say 'I'm having a rough day today' and if you don't want to talk about it for one reason or another you could add 'but I'm not really wanting go talk about it now'. Or if it is with a random person at a shop I just say 'It's been a tough day at the office' or 'ok how about you'. If i know i may look flustered i use the office thing.

Hopefully this experience doesn't happen to you again. Most people are better with it and don't react in that way however it is horrible when people do. Just remember its ok to have a rough day, its not a step back or anything, its just life (being a bitch). Keep at it and hold your head up, you did nothing wrong, and i'm sorry this happened to you.