Newbie- at a loss of what to do

[Sara89]

Hi All,

 I've been suffering with depression and anxiety (undiagnosed) since I was 16, probably before that. After finishing year 12, I was lost and confused & had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. \At the beginning of 2012, I decided to do a Advanced dipolma in advertising, and really enjoyed it (receiving great marks and making a few friends). During this time, however I focused solely on my studies and neglected my social life. I also got a job whilst studying as a social media manager, at a Major Agency. After that I studied a bachelor of advertising, it didn't really feel like the right fit and in hindsight, I should have done marketing. At the end of 2013, I went to London to partake in an internship, during this time however I displayed some unusual behaviour, dancing in the streets, writing poetry to acquaintances on Facebook that I had not spoken to in a number of years. Upon returning to Melbourne, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 11. I suffered through the last year of my degree, and managed to graduate but became and hermit and was admitted to hospital. At the end of 2014, my dad had a major heart operation and almost lost his life, whilst I was completing my final assessments and preparing for "Pitch Night". A night organised by my university, where you pitch your portfolio and persona to Advertising Agencies. Overcome with anxiety, I cried infront of the industry professionals. In Feb of 2015, after a crying for months I suffered from a nervous breakdown and was admitted to hospital again.

I'm still currently studying at uni (graphic design), but I am very far behind in my workload, feel like I have lost my ability to relate and have conversations with people and have no real social life or enjoyment. It's my 27th birthday in a Month and I have never been so frightened about the future, still living with my parents, constantly plagued with negative thoughts. My psych recently switched me to different medication and I'm suffering from blurry vision and the inability to concentrate. I feel ugly, weak, stupid and like I have no future. I had a difficult childhood as my sister suffered from anorexia and depression for 6 years, which effected my ability to study at school. That my grammar is poor, my handwriting is slow and inconsistent, my drawing abilities are horrendous and all my friends are either in successful jobs/ getting engaged/ live out of home.
... I've just given up I guess.. 

[JessF]

Hello Sara, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. After reading your post, I don't feel like you have given up. I feel that you are, understandably, worn out after some long years of trying to find your path in life and perhaps going down a few side roads that haven't worked out.  But there is still plenty of time to find your way.  

Comparing yourself to others is something that we all do, but it's not always helpful, for a number of reasons. Firstly, it's not really an accurate comparison: your friends have not had the challenges you have had, so it's not an even playing field.  Second, we have no way of really knowing how well other people are doing.  We tend to present our best faces to the world (social media is notorious for allowing this) and hide away the worst parts to give a good impression.  

When struggling, I find it helps to reduce expectations and focus. "The future" in our minds expands decades down the track and we panic, but of course even in our happiest times we have no way of really knowing where we will be in 10, 20 years from now.  Can you start by reducing your focus on "the future" to what you're doing for the rest of the day, and tomorrow, and at the most, next week.  You'll be surprised by how much more achievable things are when you break them down into the tiniest of steps, and with each small achievement your confidence will start to return.

What do you have on your plate for the rest of this week, uni-wise? Any catch ups with friends planned?

[White_Rose]

Dear Sara

Hello and welcome. I am sorry you are so unhappy, although I believe you have nothing to beat yourself up about. You have achieved quite a lot and at the same time struggled with other events outside of your control.

I totally agree with JessF and ask you to take note of what she has said. I think we have all been in that very hard and difficult place, so take heart that as we have coped, so will you. Looking at the big picture is far too overwhelming at the moment so follow Jess' advice and look at tomorrow or next week only. I can vouch for that working. Been there myself. Remember, Baby Steps.

Please continue to write in because it often helps to write down your thoughts and fears. This is a safe place for you to write.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Sara, well a very complicated life you are trying to cope with, but you're putting far too much pressure on yourself in order to achieve what you really want, and to compare yourself to someone else can always be the downfall of anybody.
You don't know whether your friends have been left a good proportion of a will when someone in their family has passed away, or given opportunities that could credit them in life, education or career, so these facts we don't know about.
The odds are when someone does a drawing that they never like it at first, and I used to draw myself and that's how I always felt, but walk away and come back to view it later on because your mind might change.
You are knocking yourself for what you have achieved in, but under it all there is a lot to be proud of. Geoff. x

[Sara89]

Hi Jess F, White Rose and Geoff,

Firstly it truly means the world that you have all taken the time to respond, in such detail. I agree completely, Jess F, that is integral to take it a day at a time- I guess it's just the debilitating negative thoughts and lack of self esteem that really pose to be a problem on an everyday basis. Comparison is a difficult overcome and I understand completely how unhelpful it is, it's just not feeling comfortable or confident anymore- that I end up comparing myself physically and career-wise.

Setting myself little goals, and not looking at the big picture is the obstacle is one of the obstacles I need to overcome. In saying that, my parents could not be more supportive but they've understandably had enough of my consistent negative comments. I've read countless posts on rebuilding self-esteem, resilience and positive thinking. To sum them up, we all know that we need to be kind to ourselves and focus our core needs- exercise, socialising and work.   

In response to your question Jess F, I will be catching up with some friends tomorrow and I haven't been able yet to commence my uni work, due to lack of sleep and depressive thoughts. Starting is ultimately the most difficult part, however my brain isn't functioning as well as it used to and producing creative design work is challenging when your in that frame of mind. 

It just all becomes too much sometimes and I wonder how I could have fallen so far? Sure I've experienced difficulties in the past, but I have always felt as if there was some hope. I know so long as I give power to these negative thoughts, they become a reality. 

Do you have any suggestions in regaining self esteem/ socialising despite being stressed and depressed or overcoming negative thoughts?

 Thank you all- I hope you're all having a relaxing and happy easter break.

xxx