New to here. Feeling overwhelmed

[Petal_17]

Hello everyone,

I am struggling today with my mental health. I have anxiety disorder, depression and OCD.

Thoughts of low self-care and worth as I cannot shift ruminating thoughts over a mistake I made last weekend in a social situation. I have been seeing a guy and we've been spending bit of time together, just going out for dinner on weekends as both work during the week.

Well last Saturday night he asked to kiss me which was OK, but things got a bit heated and he touched me. I was ok with it at the time, not ideal. I went home and slept. The next morning I woke in complete panic as if I had done something wrong, and I just didn't feel my normal self. As the day went on I started crying. I felt a failure, I can't even message him or feel a connection with him any more. I feel like I have ruined a perfect situation by giving in and letting him touch me. I feel so unclean. I feel depressed. I don't want to see any friends. I can't look at my family in the eye. I recognise my thoughts are over the top but I cannot shift from feeling intense doubt, fear, failure.

I've been in similar situation about 2 years ago with a different guy, and took me ages to get over. Feeling quite unwell. Not sure if others get similar problems. Think it's my OCD rearing it's ugly head.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to the forums.

firstly, thank you for your bravery in posting your story on the forums. It takes strength to be able to write about what has happened to you when you don't know how others will respond. We are a safe and friendly space here and the users are supportive and non-judgemental.

In response to your post I want you to know that you have done nothing wrong. Nor is there anything wrong with your views in relation to intimacy. Yet ... you feel back about an action that sounds as though it goes against your own values and beliefs.

What I will say is that our upbringing inform us how to react to situations... for better and worse. For example, I feel I was grew up in purity culture (church and family). Recently I was listening to a podcast by a theologian about sex and shame. To cut a long story short, I was speaking with a person (priest) on the same podcast and was told I had done nothing wrong. For 30 year I felt condemned.

That's one side.

The other side is that if you don't want to give all of yourself physically/intimately to another in a relationship that is also OK. For me a relationship only works if both persons are honest and respectful of each other.

I have been seeing a psychologist for some time now. If there were only 2 things I have learned it is... I am only human and do the best I can and the second is that is mistake is an opportunity for learning and growth.

Your post saddened me in relation how it made you feel. Part is me is also curious where these thoughts came from for you?

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

[Petal_17]

Hi Smallwolf,

Thank you for your reply. This incident has left me very shaken, and thrown me into a depth of inner searching and so many questions as to why I feel this way and have really irrational fears about my choices.

Yes I hold quite closely my values and beliefs in terms of physical boundaries, yet I find myself in this instance falling. You are very right in saying that we are all human and can learn from our mistakes

I would say this to anybody else, but for myself it's thrown me off course. These thoughts have come from my upbringing which were taught from young adult years about purity. Im 35 years old now and still struggle with the balance of normal human desire verses shame & guilt. So much anxiety.

[smallwolf]

Hello.

I often have these arguments within myself - head vs the heart. One side will have the logical argument of "what you didn't wrong" and the other side has the opposite view.

On failure... I listen to a podcast titled "how to fail" where people are interviewed about things in their lives they have seen as failure. And the effect this has and generally the positive outcomes. And it is hard to change our own views or accept them as ok.

Last comment about purity... How important is purity? I felt I was on the outside, for giving in I suppose. I also study theology. And just as a side effect would find out about context and changing views over the ages. This does not invalidate a person view who want to be pure, I will not judge that person. Nor that same person who makes a mistake. Nor the person who has an opposing view.

What does the internal argument look like for you?

[Petal_17]

Thank you for your reply.

The internal argument for me looks like this should be done a certain way, like a perfectly way or else I've stuffed up & don't deserve that thing. Like almost I need to feel worthy of being having something based on my discipline. Verses me viewing my actions/choices being perfectly normal and seeing it in a non-judgemental way. I can so easily label a relationship/friendship not being good for me based on my mistakes. Sounds weird but that's really where my mind takes me.

I'll check out that podcast "how to fail"

[smallwolf]

Not weird at all.

IF you knew my issues started or ended with emails would that be weird? We all come from different experiences and whatever brought you to this space is your story.

I guess the question to ask yourself is which view that you have is the one you more strongly relate to?

If only you were a fly on the wall when I had that conversation with a female priest about sex before marriage. Yes it was awkward moment at first for me, and liberating at the end. That I am good enough as I am. That I had done nothing wrong.

If I had waited til I was perfect then I would never have happiness. The perfection bar get pushed upward until it cannot be reached and then becomes a problem.

Do you think that perfection is attainable?

If I save money for the rainy day ... When the rainy day comes, is this the rainy day I was saving for? Or is there a worse day coming up?

For me this was or is the cost of perfectionism. Instead of living in the moment, worry about what others think or feeling shame over my actions. Because you deserve happiness and joy.

Tim

[Petal_17]

Hi Tim,

I think perfectionism isn't attainable as it's the bar we set whether is ever too high to obtain. Saw my psychologist today and she was talking about the rules I have put in place that cause me grief every time I fall short. We are looking at the safety mechanisms I put up to stop myself from experiencing failure, but then when I do fail what sorts of things trigger the anxiety.

It's going to be a long journey but I am needing to reassess my "rules" & find freedom in breaking those walls down of high expectations of myself. Thanks for listening and offering insight. Much appreciated!

[therising]

Hi Petal#17

My heart goes out to you as you try so hard to manage the feelings that can come with incredible internal conflict. You sound like a beautiful highly sensitive person.

While being so sensitive can come with many abilities, it can also come with many challenges. The ability to feel so much can become overwhelming. I imagine it's easy for you to get a sense of how your beliefs lead you to feel. You mention your beliefs about purity. Adding to this, you may get a sense of how certain degrees of intimacy lead you to feel. Throw into the mix how a sense of conflict (between the 2) leads you to feel, as well as how the overstepping of boundaries leads you to feel and that's a lot of feeling all happening at once. Would you say the strongest feeling, out of the lot, relates to your sense of conflict?

If it's of any help, I've found over the years that the quest for self understanding/personal evolution holds a lot of questions. You can't have a quest without questions. The bigger the quest, the more questions there are. it can definitely be easy to get caught up in the questions, especially when they become overwhelming, offering no obvious way forward.

On my own quest, one of my biggest set of questions related to 'guilt'. 'Why do I feel guilt so deeply? What is guilt? Where did it come from? How am I led to feel it?' The list goes on. Redefining it became mind altering. I came to see guilt as nothing more than a signpost. Imagine walking a path and finding yourself facing guilt (that signpost). Beyond that signpost, there are 2 paths. One path leads you to remaining the same person you've always been. The other path leads you to redefine yourself. Guilt is the call to consciousness in deciding who you're going to be, which path you're going to choose. If you choose the path of change, you can expect certain people to be disapproving of your choice. This is the nature of certain people. Brief example, so you can see where I'm coming from...

You may be taught to be a people pleaser by your parents. There comes an occasion where you feel compelled to please yourself and you find you're facing guilt. Which path do you choose? The one where you continue being a people pleaser, depriving yourself of a brilliant opportunity in the way of a job or a friendship, or do you choose the path that leads to life changing opportunities? As you face that signpost, asking you to choose a direction, which path do you choose, while imagining life is a map?

🙂