New job stress and anxiety

[Alycia]

Hi guys, 

I started a new job 2 months ago and my training has now come to an end as of last week. I’m starting my first week out of training tomorrow. I have had anxiety and depressive thoughts for many years of my life on and off.

The last couple of weeks i have been feeling overwhelmed with the work load and expectations that i will be under eventually. I have been having panic attacks while working and anxiety and crying every night because I feel like i am no good at the job and embarrassed to ask for help from my manager or other staff. I feel like im not getting it. I ask for help and my manager usually likes to do a video call when he is free which can be in a few hours. I ask smaller questions from experienced officers that my work wont require a supervisor approval to continue. I try continue other tasks when im waiting for a response but then feel overwhelmed by the amount of work outstanding and questions per item i have. 

I have already expressed to my manager about how I’m overwhelmed and anxiety has been alot. He understands and had a good chat with me to reassure me. 

I feel myself and my manager are doing all the right things and most of my anxiety stems from my own insecurities and lack of self esteem and confidence in my knowledge and how to action my work. 

I’m struggle to tell my body and my mind that I am just doing the best I can and it will get better with time. I keep having dark thoughts about self harm or self destructive behaviour like maybe i shouldn’t have taken the job. I know I’m capable and these things come with experience. I wouldn’t have got this job if i wasn’t suitable. 

I am looking for advice and a really a pep talk to calm myself down. I have had face to face psychology appointments in the past so i know some techniques such as breathing. The shakes, irritability, panic attacks, nausea, self harm/thoughts of self medicating and crying has been going on for about 2 weeks now. Im over feeling this way and i want to have more faith in my self and be kinder to myself. The fear of not knowing, fear of failure and fear of judgement is strong.

Any advice or kind words would be helpful. 

[blondguy]

Hey Alycia

You are strong by speaking from the heart and Welcome to the Beyond Blue Forum family!

Firstly...congratulations on your new job..Excellent

* You are not alone as 2.5 million Australians experience various levels of anxiety and I am one of them.

* I understand your feelings as I was the same except I didnt have your courage to reach out to anyone in 1983

You mentioned "The fear of not knowing, fear of failure and fear of judgement is strong" This very common yet you are one of the few that actually talk about it. (which makes you stronger Alycia)

There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here  for you Alycia

any questions are always welcome!

Paul

[therising]

Hi Alycia

You're such a conscious person, so aware of your thoughts and feelings. While being such a conscious person can offer incredible experiences in life, it can also make life intensely challenging at times. When we're conscious of all the things we don't know in our job, all the things we may struggle with, the workmates that challenge us, time sensitivity when it comes to completing tasks etc, it can definitely become like a dark and incredibly intense tornado of super awareness. Personally, I'm not a fan of that tornado. It challenges me greatly at times.

Not sure if you can relate but I tend to have 2 types of inner dialogue. For example, one could involve me thinking 'Please don't give me that task, as it leads me to stress'. The other sounds more like 'You're hopeless at that task, you're never going to be able to manage it'. So one type involves the words 'me' and 'I'm' and the other the words 'you' and 'you're'. It's not the first type that stresses me or brings me down, it's the second. No idea where it comes from but I choose to identify it as 'the stresser' in me or 'the pessimist' in me or perhaps 'the saboteur' in me. I try to be conscious of it and imagine tapping into a different part of myself. 'If I could tap into the sage in me, what would it have to say about the matter?' is one of my conscious strategies. Perhaps the sage in you might say 'You're not yet a master at this task because you haven't practiced the task enough times in order to master it. Practice, practice, practice and you will become a master at it. Until you become a master, you are an apprentice. As an apprentice, do not be so hard on yourself in the learning process'. Our inner sage can be so much kinder to us and far more helpful than the stresser or the critic in us.

While a vivid imagination can be a gift, it can also feel like a curse at times, that's for sure. When all we can vividly or clearly see through our imagination is ourself always struggling, there is no room with which to see ourself mastering our job. Btw, it's said that the brain can't tell the difference between what's real and what's imagined at times. So if what we're imagining is stressful, this will set off our nervous system exactly the same way as if it was real. If we can imagine taking notes in regard to things we need to practice more, imagine asking for guidance in a confident way, imagine having perfected elements of the job in the future, then what we're imagining is ourself managing strategically. We can feel what we see in our mind.

Of course, all this is good in theory. With me being a gal with a vivid imagination, challenging inner dialogue at times and the ability to feel what can be stressful and depressing on occasion, I'm still trying to master it all. At 54, I still regard myself as an apprentice in life to some degree. There will always be challenges that test us in regard to whether we're ready to graduate to the next level of self understanding and self mastery. We're constantly graduating yet aren't always conscious of it. We graduated beyond learning to walk, learning to talk, learning to ride a bike, learning from primary school to secondary, learning to graduate through a job interview into the job we now have and so on. Upward and onward, always rising. You've got this, don't doubt yourself so much as you head for next level graduation 😊❤️