Narcissist??

[Orangeicy]

I had the mind blowing experience encountering a narc in a group of friends. Well so I think.

Long story short, a group of 4 friends..new person joined our group because we had initially spoken about how sucky it is being on your own and we didn't want to exclude people.

Anyway, over the past 6 months this person has completely turned on me. It started slowly, but over these few months I can see the poison. She started not greeting me when she was alone and saw me. Only saying goodbye to everyone else. In a group of people would never look at me or talk to me, but be so "nice" to everyone else.

Then she started inviting other group members out to events and stuff. Never me.

She has my (now) former friends acting like little puppies around her. Overheard her saying "she needs to be taught a lesson" (meaning me).

Thing is I don't know what I've done. Asked several of them and I am being ignored by everyone. I generally try to be respectful of others. Take an interest in other people. Listen when someone opens up and needs to vent.

But this woman has me questioning everything I do!

Sent my anxiety sky-rocketing because I couldn't figure out what I had done.

I am starting to put it all behind me. But I keep coming back to the question of her behaviour. Was she gaslighting me...or just a nasty person?

Input please as I'm trying to understand it all so I can move forward.

Thank you!

[ecomama]

Hey Orangeicy, welcome to the forums.

Wow hey? 
That's was an adventure you'd rather not have taken! 
A fiend not a friend.

It may take a while for your other friends to realise what went on, but they'll cop it too in the end, sadly. 
No one escapes a Covert Narcissist for long periods. 

You did the RIGHT thing for your MH and life by going No Contact. 
Now you have the space to create EVERYTHING you want in your life. 
Also to heal from the abuse.
Hugs. 

Sadly gas lighting is only ONE technique nasty people use, this person also used triangulation and a barrel load of other wily ways too no doubt. 

Strangely, my last post had recommendations for the following books in it too! 
"In Sheep's Clothing: Dealing with Manipulative People" by George K.Simon, shows us exactly HOW covert narcs do what they do. I think he mentions why also, can't remember. 
"The Road Less Traveled" by M.Scott Peck talks about EVERY possible kind of person and relationship dynamic you could encounter - up till that day and age labels anyway. 
My list is not exhaustive by any means... but the last one to help you COIN the exact emotions you're feeling and also what you witness in others is "Atlas of the Heart" by Brene Brown. 

Can't leave without putting a get right back on track Author! Lol. 
"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey is BRILLIANT to keep you focussed on YOUR LIFE and not allowing the bs of other nutters come in and wreck it. 

We are Phoenixes. 
We RISE high and SOAR, then look down and say "good riddance to bad rubbish". 

Love EM

[Orangeicy]

Thank you for inspiration for what to read. Greatly appreciated. Because, yes, I feel like I need to process this to become stronger and not let this experience colour me.

Library here we go! 

[Mark Z.]

Hi Orangiecy,

Thanks for sharing your story. I can tell that it's hard for you.

Do you mind sharing how old is that person? Just wondering if it's the immaturity of a teenager or the hostility of an adult.

I think you can try to have a one-on-one honest and open talk with her if you want, or you can simply stay away from her. Either option is totally fine and up to you. The key is to put your mental health first. 

Mark

[Orangeicy]

This person is 50+. So I would have expected better than this highschool behaviour.

I am not going backwards. I left the group. Not staying somewhere I'm not welcome. I will say "hi" and smile as I walk past, because I am not broken. But I have zero intention of going back to either person in that group. Nobody had my back when it mattered. That alone says it all to me 

[geoff]

Hello Orangeicy, if this person is 50+ then she has worked out how she wants to handle people and that's why she was on her own, until the group asked her to join you, now it appears as though she wants to control the group and by questioning you only shows her dominance, but tell her nothing, anything you say to her may be used against you and that's certainly not what you want.

People like this eventually become unstuck and end up with no friends because she can't be trusted and the best way for you to recover from this is just to completely ignore her and especially don't ponder on what is ever said to you, because if you do, then you won't be able to gain the strength you need.

All the best.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Orangeicy]

Thank you for the input. I think I am just struggling with this because me making friends don't come easily. I feel like I have become uprooted somehow, I've lost that sense of belonging. At the same time I am stubborn enough to not wanting to go back, ever.

I just feel like she changed the group of friends I had. Like she is leading them along. Because they are good people. She just has this magic (for lack of better words) that keeps them around.

I have never really taken to hating people, but her! I know it's a waste of my energy, but I am struggling to "simply let it go" (thank you husband!) because I see them 5 days a week.

[Croix]

Dear Orangeicy~

You are not going to 'simply let it go' , nobody with any sensitivity could. It is something you can come to understand, and it will help armor you against similar episodes if they should ever happen again. The hurt remains, though diminishes as other things come into your life.

Apart from a husband who does not sound as if he understands the subtly of some feelings I guess for me it would be largely finding out that those people I had thought of as friends, were in fact simply acquaintances, easily lead and  basically uncaring.  Add to that the the loss of feeling of belonging. A hard time in your life.

You wil find friends, you may have in the past, but the are few, and a test is if they care and look out for you, as you do for them. This shower did not pass that test. and if they are led by their respective noses by someone who is so driven they have to lead sheep to feel at all good about themselves - then they deserve it.

I guess you have come to see one common ploy - make someone - or some group - or some race - "The Outsider". A cruel way of fostering leadership as the remained try harder so as not to to be put outside too. Frankly it may be hard to be on the outside, but it has at least let you know how things really stand.

I agree it is awkward if you are having to see them all the time, however you have changed, that is the important thing and I"m sure you will deal with them in as civil a manner as they deserve, I'd find not getting sucked in again should not be that hard.

There may be one or two who do see they are doing you great wrong and try genuinely try to make amends (though I"d not think it that likley ) , I guess it is up to your judgment on how you would react .

I've no suggestions other than what I'd do myself, try to build a life wiht fresh people and activities and see what happens

Croix

[Chris o]

Narcissist feed of others pain.

Orangeicy, live your best life and everything will balance out.