My story

[Cloud90]

Hi Everyone, 

 This is my first post and the first time ive talked openly about my anxiety. 

Im 25 years old and have been suffering with anxiety for now 5 years. Within the last 5 years i have had numerous health problems and surgery, many unsuccsessful relationships and a great loss of friends. I also watched my career plumet to the ground and im sad to admit my anxiety got the better of me and i ended up walking away from 8 years of building myself up in my career and working exceptionaly hard to reach a sales manager position by 24. 

I have fought through cancer in 2013, suffered an early divorce at 23 and completely lost my career. 

 i am now 25, jobless and clueless of how im going to pay my bills and try and control my anxiety. Throughout the last 5 years i have lost many friends from my sudden social phobia. I used to be so outgoing and enjoy crowds and meeting new people and thats why i enjoyed sales so much. Nowadays i suffer chronic panic attacks when i have to face large crowds, speak to new people or attend work. I feel a sense of peace hiding behind closed doors and its really sad because i know this is not me but i cant seem to control it. I find myself making up excuses why i cant go out, why i cant stay in a job and the real reason is my anxiety but i have tried to be upfront and honest about it and people seem to disappear faster than u can imagine. 

 i have always been the type of person someone can lean on, talk to and count on. And suddenly i find myself alone and all the people i have helped no where to be seen to help me. Discovering that true friends are hard to find didnt help my anxiety, and laying in the hospital going through my health saga whilst overcoming a divorce with no one to talk to i feel has led me to feel isolated and abandoned. 

I hope to meet on here many inspirational people that even if you dont know me can relate or somewhat understand my situation. 

 i am taking a stance to regain my life and make change And i know that i havnt always felt this way so i dont have to feel this way forever. 

I dont know if my story makes much sense to anyone i struggle to explain how i feel and im a little embarrassed by the way it all sounds but this is the best way i can tell me story . 

Thank you everyone for reading my post and i look forward to being apart of the community. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Cloud90

I’d like an extend a big warm welcome to you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Wowee, from age 20 through to 25 there sure has been a hell of a lot happen to you – and I’m hoping very much that as you’ve mentioned you’ve fought through cancer that the end result of that is that you have ‘beaten it’?   And then to have gone through a divorce, by the sound of it, at almost the same time?   AND all the while, you’ve been battling through anxiety issues as well.

I hope that out of all the friends you had (or perhaps “so-called” friends) that one or two of them are still nice and close to you (for you)?   Or what about family?   Perhaps a sibling who you might be particularly close to.

Have you been to a gp yet to work out ways to get the appropriate professional help for you?   Counselling, psyche, possible inclusion of medication if needed?

I’m really pleased that you’ve come here and being here you’re very much in the mix of ‘like-minded’ people who KNOW and understand what you’re feeling.  One thing I would like to quickly touch on though is where you mentioned how you feel a little embarrassed by it all – I hope that after a couple of posts from different people on here we can stamp out any of those kinds of feelings.  This is something not to be embarrassed about – it’s an illness, an extremely bad one and I believe that no-one should ever feel embarrassed by it.   It’s just a mongrel thing that we have to deal with and do our best to manage it with hopefully a view to ‘beating it’.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Cloud90]

Hi Neil,

 Thank you for replying to my post it certainly makes me feel very greatful and welcomed that you have taken the time to do so. 

Where to begin, well i guess firstly the great news regarding my cancer is yes i appear to be in good form and now am just on a 5 year follow up plan . I did consider myself very lucky because my battle was far less compared to any sick people of there so i almost feel guilty when people ask me if the cancer is gone because i am one of the lucky ones who didnt suffer a prolonged affect. But being so young it definately did scare me at the time. 

 yes i feel that was a really difficult time for me dealing with a divorce at such a young age and reoccuring health problems at the same time whilst trying to hold onto some kind of normal life. 

the one great thing i do have is two beautiful sisters, there are my entire support network and i am truly blessed to have such wonderful siblings i guess i just felt a sudden sadness knowing that being such a good person to many people whilst growing up it was rather sad to discover that most dont recipicate any of it. 

all that seems rather negative and a sense of "poor me" and i have noticed that often i seem to think of all the downs in my life rather than notice all the good and use that positive energy to get myself some help . 

i am certainly learning alot more about this illness that makes me feel less embarrassed as its something that we cannot control alone at times and i have realised there is no shame in asking for help so i am booked in to see a physcologist and look towards perhaps some medication. : ) 

at the moment i dont see myself being able to work and am somewhat affraid of how i will cope with an income so i havent figured out yet a solution for that but i do certainly feel that some time off to help myself might be what i need for the long run. 

 I hope to hear back from you further its been really nice receiving a response and talking to someone i would love to hear your story if you are ok with sharing it : ) its very positive to know we are all alike here and can help eachother through because we understand and are not judged. 

Hope to speak to you soon Neil. 

Thanks 

Lilly 

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. So pleased you found your way here. In this forum we try to support everyone who comes here and at the same time we support ourselves. I have just returned home after surgery for cancer. Hopefully, after radiation treatment, all will be well, but like you I will have the five year follow-up. And you are right, it's scary.

It's sad when a marriage ends and I offer my condolences. I presume that you have no children. Our careers can take over our lives and we end up on a path we don't like like. But you can start again.

Depression and anxiety are tough taskmasters and no respector of persons. If you are able to manage financially without going to work for a while it could be a good move. A psychologist cannot prescribe medication so you will need to go to your GP if this is required.

Ah the "poor me" syndrome. Yes, we all have it or have gone through it. I remember it well, The next stage is, "I'm useless, it's all my fault". Of course none of this is true. Our brains are so lazy, they just want to go down the easiest path and not have to work on anything. So as Neil has said, let's nip it in the bud before it starts.

It's good that your sisters are supporting you. Family can help in so many ways that friends cannot. Depression does sort out the sheep from the goats when it comes to support.

You asked Neil for his story and no doubt he will tell you. I am a mother of four children and grandmother to eight grandchildren. I had a major depressed when I left my husband 15 years ago which is quite ironic under the circumstances. I recovered only to become depressed again when I went through a huge episode of bullying.

I am pretty well these days, but now and then I fall back into the dark. Climbing out does get easier I find, though each time I am convinced I will never get better. See how our brains trick us. These days I enjoy writing on BB as I hope I can support and encourage others experiencing that beast depression.

Looking forward to your reply.

Mary

[Cloud90]

Dear Mary,

 thank you for sharing your journey with me. 

I am sorry to hear about your battle with cancer but am pleased to read that you have accepted the treatment well. 

Your journey has been rough but from what i read you are like super mum! I can only imagine the strength u aquired to deal with depression whilst raising kids. It could not have been easy but you did it and its so nice to read that you are coping well for the most part nowadays. 

 i have started some medication i am through my first week now and am scheduled for my first appointment with a physciratrist in 2 weeks. 

Im not really in a position to be off work but at the moment i just cannot push myself into a job to find that i screw yet another good opportunity up. I will give myself 8 weeks and i hope that will be enough time to notice some kind of change... I know that tablets arent miracle pills but i am hopeful that i will notice even the slightest difference. 

: ) i am glad i came to BB i am greatful that you took time out to write to me and i thank you so much for sharing your journey. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lilly

Thanx again for your kind responses back.

Now with meds, as you said, there is no miracle pill – if only and if only I could invent it – I could be a mega rich depression sufferer – or would that end my suffering of the black dog, probably not, but gee, it’d be sure nice to try to find out !!  So where was I, oh yeah, no miracle pill, BUT if after taking these for a period of time, they should then ‘kick in’ and begin to have positive effects for you, BUT they have greater benefits when taking them when you add in other mechanisms of support and help to/for yourself.

Things like counselling, or having someone who you can talk with (a good friend or close relative – perhaps one of your wonderful sisters), having other avenues of support, like for instance, coming here, also learning more and more about the illness, how it works, how it affects you and what other methods you can use to try and lessen it’s evilness on you.

Exercise is a big one as well – if you’re able to of course – or even just out there and walking, cycling, swimming, etc etc.   Believe it or not, but eating well is another good thing and also drinking lots of water – because dehydration of the body has bad impacts on depression.

Interests, hobbies, etc are more options that can be taken on.  I know it can be tough to try and take on some of these things when all we feel like is not to even get out of bed, but the more we try, the better chance we’ll have for beating this.

For me, I have balloons attached to me and within each balloon are issues that affect me;  some are permanent and heavy duty balloons that are with me all the time, and I have others that are seemingly there all the time, medium to long term and then others that flit in and out on a weekly, monthly basis.  I hate them all.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Lily ###

I am checking in to see how you are managing. How are you going with your medication? It should be kicking in by now so I hope you are feeling much better.

How was your appointment with the psychiatrist? I do hope it went well. Are you going back for regular visits? Gosh I could ask a whole heap of questions but I will try not to do that.

What I am mostly interested in is how you are going and what is happening for you at the moment. I do hope you can find time to reply.

Cheers

Mary