My story and need suggestions

[askignquestions]

I'm new to Australia.  I moved here from the US in October to do my PhD.  I've had social anxiety forever (selective mutism as a kid and just anxiety forever) but it was under control.  I had a month of meds when I got here, but there were issues getting a doctors appointment and ran out of meds.  So my anxiety went through the roof and it started getting hard to even think- my mind would just go blank and I would sit at my desk for hours.  A professor helped me find Community Mental Health and take a month off work.

My anxiety went down and I went back to work.  I could feel my anxiety rising again, first to panic attacks then to going blank and not being able to read.  And thats where I am now.  I see the doctor weekly and we are playing with meds to prevent going blank while at the same time making it possible to interact with people.  But I dont know.  The Acute Care Team is calling me a few times a week, so I have them to talk to, but I feel so alone.  My friends don't know anything, only a couple supervisors know a bit. I just dont know what to do.  Lately its been real hard at night- I want to disappear.  I dont want the day to come and I dont want to even fall asleep.  When I walk past a mirror all I can think is how big I am.  I just feel so messed up.  I dont even know what to call any of this. 

I just need friends and I dont know how to make them with

my anxiety.  I retreat into myself all day.  But when I do that I start to have conversations in my head, playing out different scenarios.  My mind never stops, unless I go blank.  And when that happens it gets hard to talk or move sometimes.   I dont know what to do. One doctor suggested moving back home, but I want to do my PhD.  But if I can't think or read anymore, how can I?  

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[Pixie15]

Hi askignquestions,

It sounds like you have had a good result with your supervisor.

Good luck with sticking to your plan next week.

Grateful.

[Maxco]

Hi askignquestions,

I sympathise with you.  It is very easy to say "make new friends" or "join a club" but a lot more difficult to do.  You also have the added worries of family overseas, of being "alone" here and keeping secrets (no disrespect).
  
Your positive comment of "I want to do my PhD" says a lot for you.You stated that "I just need friends".  Did you have friends when back home or did you rely on family being your "friends"?  The worst thing you can do is make friends with just anyone for the sake of having them.  Rarely do they stick around long or you will realise they are not for you and you will be back where you started only more stressed as you will to blame yourself for their parting.True friends are very hard to find - never stop looking, they are out there..

Isn't it great when you have a thought(s) that won't go away and you think about them over and over again every hour of every day?  I have been there and for me, even after years they are still there in some form or another.  I've been told to "be in the now" - I'm learning how to do that, it's not easy. I've been taught to recognise all the signs of anxiety and what I should do to relieve the severity - I've still a way to go in mastering that one.

No matter what ever it is that you have to do, no big steps - just small steps.