My son was destroyed online… and it’s me not coping

[LissyLou99]

Hi friends

My son, about a month ago, tried to take his own life at 17 years old as an ex girlfriend posted online that he was a sexual abuser. Of course initially our priority was to ensure he was safe and got him some help to keep him safe. Next we investigated the allegations and even took him to the police and asked for them to investigate it. Our reasons were 2 fold. If it was true or any basis for her allegations, then we needed our own son to be responsible for his actions. But if it was false, we want him to have a voice of reply and to have her dealt with. To at least remove the post that went to 300 of the school kids. The result was there was no basis for her post, it was posted out of jealousy to deter another female from liking my son, no charges were laid against my son, she was reprimanded and the post was removed. Unfortunately it made an awesome story for 17 years old that he goes to school with and although is still receiving a lot of help from professionals, is a risk every time he leaves the house of whether he will be able to keep himself safe. He is avoided at school as, although she keeps it off line, she verbally still spreads stories of him.

The knock on effect is what this has done to our family. I can’t get it out of my mind. I turn over the events constantly. The anger is what she’s done to gain attention and to be portrayed as a “strong resilient survivor” flies in the face of every woman who has truely been assaulted. But I can’t seem to move on…

i want to be the mature woman I used to be but I’m the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, the intrusive thoughts prevent a clear way through. I’m trying meditation to try to calm my mind and it does help. For a short time. I exercise every day but still doesn’t exhaust me enough. I don’t want to go to work but once I’m there, it does distract me. I’m hiding all these thoughts from my wonderful and supportive husband. I’m embarrassed that I’m not coping. He truely is CaptainSensible! But sometimes I just wish my mind would just stop.

[Sophie_M]

Hi LissyLou99,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, you also never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experiences. We are so sorry to hear about what you and your family are currently going through. We understand this must be so overwhelming and stressful for you, especially with the constant worry about the safety of your son. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome to the forums.

Wow. Your story is so sad. My thoughts are that even if a post is removed or someone says sorry the damage has been done and the pain still exists! And even when untrue, people still have memories and can say hurtful things.

I am going back a few years and spoke with a school counsellor about "stuff" - small talk and some stuff my son was dealing with. But he told me about how some people can be at high school.

And your concerns and anger are valid ... you care very much about your son. Your husband may be CaptainSensible and may not remember or had a different experience at high school.

So what can do you?

• Get professional help?

• Talk with your husband? I know you said you are embarrassed and talking with my wife about suicide was hard for myself. But afterwards it was a relief to get that weight off my chest. You may not be ready for this conversation. I don't know. But would hope your supportive husband would listen to you speak about the anger you feel.

Something to ponder... what would it take for the feelings you have to subside? (Please don't feel you have to answer this here.)

Listening to you.

[Petal22]

Hi LissyLou99,

Wellcome to our forums!

So sorry to hear what you and your family are going through it must be so hard…….

So sorry that your son tried to take his own life, that’s so sad, I really hope his health professionals can help him……

Please try not to be embarrassed by the way you are feeling I understand anxiety I had severe anxiety OCD….. I had a lot of intrusive thoughts that scared me……. I seeked professional help and have now recovered…….

Have you thought about seeing a health professional for yourself? You could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist who can give you many strategies…….

I know it’s hard sometimes to open up and tell our husbands what’s really going on inside us…… but please try to…… he will be able to understand you better….

we are here on this forum to support you…

im here to chat

[Isabella_]

Hi LissyLou99, a very warm welcome to the forums.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm so sorry for everything you and your family have been going through, it's unimaginable and unfair..

I'm really glad to hear that you've been doing meditation and it helps to calm you down. It really does sound like you're motivated to take care of yourself and get better which is amazing. From what you've gone through, I want to reassure you that in no way should you feel embarrassment for struggling under the circumstances.. this is a very traumatic situation.. and you're only human for having it effect you.. it doesn't change your maturity at all. Overcoming these things make you infinitely stronger.. and you're in the process of doing that. We all need help to cope at some points in our lives, this is completely healthy.

I'm curious.. what is it that's setting you back from telling your husband about the thoughts you're having? Have you considered reaching out for some professional support, and are you open to the idea?

Sending a lot of warmth your way, I'd love to hear from you.

Take care.

[geoff]

Hello LissyLou, and can we offer you a warm welcome.

What has happened to your son must have been shocking for you and caused by an ex girlfriend with no foundation, however, this has caused such an event no parent would ever want to have to cope with and all the consequences that follow, you have my heart.

Karma will happen to his ex and slowly the truth will be known, but this hasn't stopped how you are feeling and now developed 'intrusive thoughts' which many of us have also experienced, this, unfortunately, may not help you at the moment but there is help for you, so you can then have a good night's sleep.

If you type these 2 words in the search bar above then plenty of replies are made by those suffering from this, although they aren't the same, the principle is similar and certain ideas may help you to overcome this.

It's hard to exercise and when you do, you hope it will exhaust you, but there is one problem, these thoughts are dominating how you are feeling, so even if you run a marathon, you'll be thinking over and over from these thoughts and not how tired you are, but you can ask your doctor about the 'mental health plan', this can then allow you to talk with a psychologist.

You say you're hiding this from your husband, he might be doing the same, and worrying about your son, he can either change school or go to tafe.

Really sorry to know what has happened and hope you are able to get back to us at some stage.

Geoff.

[LissyLou99]

So lovely to read your comments this morning. Your support and advice is something I’m really needing and appreciating.

and each of you have touched on something positive I can do. I think I need to find a psychologist for myself. I see my son really feel better after his chats but that’s what is probably missing for me. I actually came to this forum for that very reason. And I think I need to take it further.

thanks so much for your responses and for being so unjudgemental. That’s priceless to me!

[Isabella_]

That's amazing to hear!

In my experience with seeing a psychologist, I think the beginning steps are the hardest, but it's more than worthwhile in the end.

I like to think that when you're in the room with them, you're seperate from the busy and loud world outside, and you're free to let everything out. I found it very rewarding, and I was able to walk out of there with a weight off my chest and a little extra strength each time.

The forums are a safe space, feel free to let us in on your next steps and your journey forward.

[Bibbetyboo]

Hi there
I am so sorry for your family that situation sounds tremendously difficult

If that happened to my son, I would make and example of the young person who spread the stories and rumours.
When i went to high school there was a young man who was bullied for being gay, he sued the boy who was bullying him and his family so that’s one legal avenue
Another legal avenue is to place the young girl who spread the rumours on an IVO.
This will prevent her from talking about your son in future about any of the matters, spreading further lies and teach her a lesson without criminal charges where perhaps nobody else is trenching her what she is doing is extremely damaging and wrong.
It may tech your son a cause of action to prevent further rumours an attacks, I would also be getting the school to intervene or even going to the exten of moving schools where possible.

She will not have criminal charges but she will be prevented from spreading rumours online, attending your house going near your son or talking about him whatsoever.
If she is found to be doing so she can be breached and then face criminal charges.
I find this matter to be so serious and i hope you take action to give your family some peace of mind.

[Bibbetyboo]

I wanted to add that this girl is in fact bullying your son and that is a criminal offence.
Its harsh but sometimes these people need to be made an example of to teach others as well that its wrong to destroy someone’s life based off of false claims.

It cuts both ways and If I were you I would strongly consider legal action.
Did the police inform your family and son of potential cause of action? I’m not sure if IVO can be taken out on someone underage however i know laws in this country have been amplified against cyber bullying and bullying in general.
I would be seeking that out if I were in your shoes.