My people pleasing and push over ways lead me to dangerous situations

[Lauz22]

Hi all,

Often I feel like one of the biggest push over and people pleaser ever to exist. It constantly puts me in damaging situations.
I am continuously being walked all over in every aspect of my life. I am aware of my detrimental behaviour yet I am struggling making a change.

I am so used to saying 'yes' instantly, to anything.
It stems from a desire of acceptance and validation as it lacked from my childhood. Growing up, my parents indirectly taught me that my voice was to be silenced and to not vocalise myself at the expense of upsetting others.

I so deeply want to be loved and accepted by friends, family, colleagues, partners.
I overvalue other peoples opinions. It's sad as I know I am a good person and I deserve better. But because I feel so unworthy at times, I put so much value in being liked by others.

My behaviour patterns examples are:
- Letting friends, partners etc make all the decisions
- Agreeing with everything others say, or staying quiet if I don't agree
- Holding my tongue when faced with adversity
- I never stand up for myself, I ignore the problem or erupt with emotion
- I take others words over my own
- Being kind to others after they continuously disrespect me

It has become automated responses and unsurprisingly, I am left unhappy and worthless.

I have this warped belief that others will treat me how I treat them. So I set out to be the nicest, happiest, caring person. Only to never receive it back.

When I look at the results in my life, I can see in every aspect where my behaviour as put myself in such detrimental and unhealthy situations.

I was emotionally and mentally abused by my ex-husband and his family.
During my darkest time, going through divorce and depression, a 'good friend' abandoned me when I needed it the most.
I had a colleague who groomed me to divulge my most personal information and offered his loyalty, only for him to spread rumours about me and sexually harass me.
I was befriended by a couple who offered their friendship and mentorship, only to find out they wanted me to join an organisation where they would earn money if I joined into this cult-like 'business'

It sounds ridiculous, but unfortunately this is my life and I get so tired of it.
I owe it to myself to be kinder, to stop seeking happiness from external factors and to do what makes me happy.

Can anyone else relate? If so, please share how to overcome this harmful cycle and set boundaries?

Thanks!

[Weaponsofmassdisstortion]

I have heard it said that people who have low self esteem find it hard to say "no" to requests. I think this may be your problem. I also think you are surrounded by people who don't have your best interests at heart. Otherwise someone would have brought this up to you. Or asked you if you are OK

Let me ask you a question: Can I pour boiling hot water straight onto your lap?

If you answered "no" than congratulations you do have some boundaries. Now you just need to work on enforcing all your other boundaries. Start small. Believe me everyone knows at least one thing they need to work on in order to grow as a person. Do people ask you for money? Do people ask you to do them favours when they know you have no time for it? These are little things you can work on. Don't try to enforce all your boundaries all at once. Remember wounded animals will attract prey(I mean that in the nicest way). You attract these people because they test your boundaries to see how much they can get away with. Once you have a healthy sense of your limits, you should be able to pick up on when this is happening.

Quite sadly in this life, we have to train other people on how we want to be treated. As for your self esteem, I think you will gain some of it back once you start enforcing your boundaries. Also hobbies are pretty good.

Another thing; I think you will lose a lot of friends once you start working on this issue. I have a feeling that the people you are surrounded by are very much the prey abuser type people. Once they realise they can no longer take advantage of you, they will move onto someone else.

[geoff]

Hello Lauz, and a warm welcome and your comment is a sad one.

No one enjoys being walked over, but if it's something your parents taught you, that your voice was to be silenced and to not vocalise myself at the expense of upsetting others, maybe is something they were also told to do, never the less these 'friends' as well as your ex, could mean you might be struggling with your boundaries, but you are not powerless, because there are limits around what you're prepared to tolerate and what you’re not and you know what these are but only crumble to accept what other people say.

Saying yes when all you want to do is say no is not easy at times, because you fear that losing contact with these people will make you feel lonely, and may have happened only because you were seeking love and friendship from people, even though they controlled you, but this isn't any friendship, it's domination making these people feel stronger.

Take this away from them and they become helpless, but you have your own life to live and much has to be achieved by making decisions and judgements by yourself, that's how we learn, from doing good and not so good, knowing what is right and what we shouldn't be doing.

This, however, is different from talking to people who have experienced their type of depression and want to express what they have been through themselves and have the courage to post a comment on a depression site like this, that takes enormous strength and want to congratulate in doing so.

By being unworthy of yourself doesn't give you the credit you deserve, these people will only continue to tell you what needs to be done or what you should do, but friends are friends and are able to talk about their own situation without being dominated.

Can I ask if you have visited your doctor, because I hope you are able to talk further.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Lauz22]

Thanks for the response.

You are so right when you say we have to 'train other how to treat us'. This is something I know but have no skill in and very little experience with. Implementing this is the hardest part.

I am nice to people even when they are wrong. I brush it off because I don't like confrontation or I don't voice what they have done to make me upset.
In turn, this sends a message that they can treat me however they want and there is no real consequence.
I think if I ignore it and don't make a big deal out of it, that I am being the 'better person' by keeping my composure. I haven't yet learnt the difference between mastering my emotions or being a walkover.

I find it extremely uncomfortable standing my ground in fear of what others think or having no one.

My ex is was abuser, my parents are neglectful of my emotions and my friends aren't malicious, however they are selfish and see me as someone who will never get mad despite their wrongful behaviour.

Any tips as to how to begin with small changes?

Thank you!

[Lauz22]

Thanks for the support and encouragement of writing in.

I am definitely struggling to set my boundaries due to many reasons. The hardest part is putting them to practice.
Often a situation unfolds and before I can fully register, I react with my natural (push over) instincts.

You are correct. There is a fear of being disliked or excluded.

I know all the reasons as to why I am the way I am.
As well as my childhood, over the past 10 years I have been with me ex husband who was very dominating and over controlling. I became someone who didn't know how to speak up or articulate my emotions, didn't think for myself or make decisions for myself.
Now post divorce, I have no idea who I am, what makes me happy, what my boundaries are or how to apply them - I have never done so in my life.

I want to be the best for myself and be kinder as I know I am a good person.
To reiterate, I naively believe the kindness I give will always come back to me and it's just not true.

I was seeing a psychologist last year in the midst of my separation. Ironically, I have reached out to her to book more sessions to which she has ignored.

This is a frustrating process of unlearning all my behaviour patterns and relearning how exactly to communicate and behave towards others that will align with my true self, in a healthy way.

Thanks,
Lauz

[Guest_4643]

Hi Lauz22, welcome.

I'm so very sorry to hear about all you've been through. I'm glad you're still here and reached out to the BB forums, I hope you find them helpful and feel safe, it's a non judgemental, caring environment.

I just wanted to pop in and say I know how you feel to some extent. Like you, I don't have anyone there for me, as in friends. I have my parents and I'm thankful for but no one else, no other family, no friends. People just don't seem to understand and care about me, that's how I feel personally.

Like you, I just want to be loved and accepted and I never feel good enough. But I wanted to say, you're good enough, and you're loved. I wish I could say the same about myself but I hope this reassures you a bit. Sorry if my reply isn't that helpful. Thinking of you.

[Lauz22]

Hi mb,

Thanks for posting.
I'm sorry to hear you feel the same way. It can be such an isolated feeling.
I feel, unfortunately, we live in a world where most people simply don't care about anyone else at the end of the day.
I feel there is a fine line between being self absorbed and loving yourself.
I want to love myself and share that with others, but I feel I am sharing my love with others who purely just absorb and don't give back.

I think the biggest lesson to learn and apply in life is to be there for yourself and love yourself without the need of external validation. It is easier said than done.
In a very blunt way, no one will love you or care about you more than you will for yourself. That being said, it is disappointing that at times there are friends and family that won't lend out a helping hand when you need it most.

Happy to listen and chat if you feel you need to a friend!

Lauz