My job turns me into a pale shadow of myself.

[C__lanatus]

Good day,

I've come to this forum to vent but also hopefully find some answers or direction for my life. I have a problem with anxiety is usually quiet in my homelife but is unbearable when I go to work. I will now explain the background to this problem.

My homelife is normally okay. Unfortunately that's probably because all of the activities I get up to don't revolve around interaction with other people. I garden and get into nature and spend too much time on the internet. I also volunteer and that does involve interaction with other people. I enjoy volunteering very much.

I am now 26 years old and have experienced anxiety for as long as I remember. Apparently the first day I was bought into kindergarten I just laid on the floor avoiding the other kids until somebody gave me a piece of paper to draw on. Since then I have had persistent issues with talking to people and always saw myself as the outlier. School was difficult until I reached highschool whereupon I had flowering of academic ability. That academic excellence got me through to the end of university (realistically it was my ability to remember a lot of information that did it) Afterwards I think I burned out. The year after uni I worked as a casual technician and had a trip around Australia. In 2017 I saw a psychologist for the first time and completed honours. Then the year after I worked in a lab (it was great) before getting a real job and moving away from home. This is where the problems really began. I was unable to adapt to the type of work expected of me and moving complicated things.

I was in a team of 1 in an environment requiring good people skills, resilience and much more experience than I had. I wanted to leave but felt paralysed due to a belief I couldn't get a new job and because of family pressure to stay (permanent job). Eventually I saw a psychologist again which helped and my employer tried a little harder as well. It's been two years since then and not much has improved. I go to work in the morning and die inside. Somehow I get through the day whilst doing nothing at all and then I go home so exhausted I can't muster the strength to get myself out of this situation. I'm tired of this job that requires personal skills and confidence I don't have. I am terrified of the stakeholders I am meant to be working with and have panic attacks just thinking of them.

I would love to leave but I am paralysed over the question of if it is the right thing to do. What do you think?

[Sophie_M]

Dear C. Ianatus, 

It sounds like you are having a really difficult time with your professional life at the moment. Work can be a cause of anxiety for all of us at times but when it becomes constant or consistent then it can be time to seek help. Thank you for coming and sharing your experience here on the forums, it is such a brave step to take.

We think it might be helpful for you to talk to someone about how you are feeling. The BeyondBlue phoneline is a great place to seek support. Lifeline is also wonderful and their numbers are below. If you prefer web based solutions then you can also try the webchat, another great way to speak about how you are going. 

Phoneline
BeyondBlue 1300 22 4636
Lifeline 13 11 14

Web chat
BeyondBlue (1pm - Midnight) https://online.beyondblue.org.au/Webmodules/chat/InitialInformation.aspx
Lifeline (7pm - Midnight)
https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Thank you again for showing the courage to seek support. Please feel free to come back an update the forums on how you are going if you feel comfortable. There are also lots of other conversations happening across the forums - everyone is really friendly so we encrourage having a look around!

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Pennnster]

Hi C,

I can really relate to what you are going through. Work means so much and sometimes your anxiety can be a way of your body telling you it’s just not right. Other times it’s your brain hijacking you and talking you into not feeling good enough, which just makes the anxiety worse!

I just came out of a terrible bullying situation at work and luckily I had friends who helped support and stand up for me and meant I didn’t take too much on myself. But my anxiety was just awful - I would spend all my time journalling and listening to apps and had to take time off in the end.

Professional help is really important, but having the determination to do what you need to to face it and decide this won’t be how you want to live I needed to do too. I spent a lot of time avoiding hard things and in the end that made it worse. But much easier said than done!!

Please be kind to yourself, you are smarter and more capable than your brain is telling you 🙂 Maybe this job is right tor you, maybe not (given you loved the lab work) but I do know from how you talk you could be kinder to yourself - living every day dying inside isn’t a way to live. I hope you find the strength to support yourself to find a solution and you have people to support you.

Stay strong - Reaching out here is a brave and kind move for yourself - keep it up. Good luck!!

[Oddities]

Hi mate,

Above all else you have taken a very big and positive step by writing all of your emotions on troubling events down and put them out in the world for someone to help. Congratulations as I'm not sure if you realise it but what you have just done is the equivalent of standing in front of a crowd and expressing yourself.

As far as work, I can completely understand how you feel. When I first started in the transport industry I worked in a very, VERY, busy postal roll and had a rather difficult time with a bully that seemed to use me as an outlet for all of his frustrations. I went to management and nothing changed. I put up with it for as long as I could but eventually had to leave. I then went to another transport company and had a bit of a hard time with my supervisor who was, let's say in his advanced years. We clashed on a number of occasions, but in the end we became friends, and still to this day ring each other from time to time to check in.

I decided after a while the logistics industry was not for me and decided to put my Arts degree to use and now am a mature age apprentice Sign Writer. This step for me was a difficult one to step out of my comfort and safe zone but I can say with whole heartness it was the best thing for me.

A good friend of mind once said to me something I will never forget and if I might, I would like to extend the advice to you.

We get a finite amount of years on this earth and you need to be comfortable to sell that time to something or someone otherwise what is life really worth to you?

I'm always here if you need to chat mate, your not alone in your struggles.

[Sunshine188]

Hey C Lanatus

im sorry to hear that things are hard for you at the moment. Glad to hear you’re linked in with a psychologist and I hope that you have some supportive people around you at the moment

I can relate to how you might be feeling at the moment. I am 28 and have worked in health care for the last 7 years. My anxiety has been pretty awful lately. I’m in a new role, didn’t receive adequate training and every day feels really scary for me. I am exhausted from putting on a brave face all day and it sucks up all my energy..I end up spending my days off worrying about work or feeling cranky.

I know how hard it can feel to leave. I’m struggling with this at the moment as well. I guess when the time is right, only you can make that decision.

remember, your work place functioned without you before you stated there. They wouldn’t hesitate to replace you if you quit tomorrow. Your mental health and well-being is so important. Risk vs Benefit - it sounds like this job is causing you more harm than good.

I know how scary and how hard it can feel to leave (because I’m still in my job that I hate and don’t have the courage yet to leave!)

take your time and remember to be kind to yourself. Just focus on putting one foot in front of the other at the moment. Let us know how you go.

thinking of you!