My first step towards a new beginning

[new_beginning]

Hi guys, today I called to make an appointment to see the doctor and try to get my depression under control and deal with my social anxiety. I've lived with varying levels for depression for the last 2 1/2 years and have never been a social person but have found that as I'm getting older my ability to cope in social situations is becoming worse and worse. As a result of all of this my partner has left me and our 16 month old daughter and I struggle to go a day without crying and feeling completely alone and worthless. My children deserve so much more than I can give them in this state and its time to make a change. I've been told to just stop cracking the sads and just go out and start a convo with the girl at the checkout or a mothers group, which I have tried but it's just not that easy for me. I make people feel awkward by my awkwardness and I never know what to say to someone when they're right I front of me. I'll think about things before hand and be positive about making new friends but then when it happens I just get all jumbled up and close myself off. I hate it. I have no friends, no one I can really talk to about anything and I don't know what to do. All I know is I have to make a change, nothing has worked for the last 34 years of my life and I don't want the next 34 to be the same.. Please help me find a way to live the live that I and my children deserve

[blondguy]

Hello New

Welcome to The Beyond Blue Community

My name is Paul. I am very sorry (and sad) that your partner has left you and your children. Even without having depression this would be a dark place to be in. I have had depression since 1997 and can understand where you are coming from. I also have never been a very social person but like you I have found my social skills to be slowly getting worse too.

You show great strength and well done to you for making the appointment to see your doc. It sounds easy to do but there are many people that find this step difficult. You have just made a huge step forward where your recovery is concerned.

Depression can knock our self esteem levels around so never knowing what to say to someone who is standing right in front of you is understandable.

Depression is an illness like heart disease or diabetes and needs to be treated as you have initiated. Having regular visits to a doc will help your next 34 years be much better for you. In turn you will be able to provide your children with the time and quality of upbringing they deserve. Having depression will make it harder as a parent but the depression levels can be altered.....so there is always hope new.

I do hope you can arrange regular visits to a doc/therapist. You and your children have everything to gain.

I hope you can find some peace soon Newbeginning. There are also many wonderful people here that can help you too.Congrats on your new beginning and aleady taking steps to heal.

You are more than welcome to write back as many times as you wish. I hope you can...please.

My Kindest Thoughts for You

Paul

[Starwolf]

Hi New Beginning and a warm welcome to you.

First of all, well done for initiating this new beginning. Your chosen title for this thread tells me you feel hopeful about the aftermath of this courageous first step. This is the right attitude to see this through. Kudos to you. With the right help and support, depression is manageable. No need to go through this alone.

Social isolation is a by-product of depression. You post shows you are intelligent and articulate. Falling apart during face to face conversation means your self-confidence has taken a blow. Not surprising with what you've been going through. Like any other illness, depression is something that happens to you, it is not caused by you. It is no weakness of character.

It is a misunderstood complaint. Ignorance about it is rife, so people end up saying/doing the wrong thing. Or they withdraw, feeling out of their depth. I wouldn't take much notice of their misinformed comments...

I understand you are now a single Dad to your young daughter. Are your older children with you as well ? Single parenthood is difficult enough as it is (been there, done that) but depression makes it all harder. My heart goes out to you. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed...

However, children are a terrific motivation to reclaim control of our life. They deserve happy parents. You are a strong, caring Dad and lucky to have each other.

Posting on these forums help many of us who have trouble with face to face communication. I hope they will help you too. Here, judgment doesn't happen. There's only understanding and caring support. We all are different people with individual issues but -differences and all- we're all on the same boat.

Great to have you on board.

[new_beginning]

Thank you Paul.

I've thought about seeing a dr for a long time but there's always been a reason not to in my head, 'I'm just going through a rough patch it will pass' 'it will be different when I start working again' 'everyone has problems'. Even yesterday I found myself doubting if I should go to the appointment but that in itself tells me even more I need to. after the death of my first partner I spoke to a counselor who told me to draw circles on a piece of paper and I left the appointment thinking what a complete joke, I'd poured my heart out and that was to be my solution? I just hope that this time I can find someone who can actually give me some advice and for it to be worthwhile because I need help.

[new_beginning]

Thank you Starwolf.

i think a lot of my depression started when I and my son first moved in with my partner and his daughter from a previous relationship. He lived 600km away and I lost touch with the things I loved to do and my few close friends who I had relied on to talk to. In the time I lived in that town with him I never made a friend. Hello was as far as the conversation would go basically each time. I was apart from 1 person and my son completely alone.

so much has happened since then to add to my depression and I have lost everything and everyone apart from my 2 kids. I couldn't bare to lose them aswel.

ive gone from being in a relationship to having a beautiful family with 3 kids to being a single mum with depression trying to raise 2 kids completely alone and having little to no contact to a girl I'd raised and thought of as my own daughter for so long.

[White_Rose]

Dear New Beginning

Hello. Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am sorry your partner has left you and I can imagine how distressing this has been for you.

We are often reluctant to ask for help for exactly the reasons you said, but I think we are more reluctant when we are dealing with depression. Going to see a doctor makes it all real. That's good because now you can start your journey towards good health, mental and physical.

It's sad the counselor you spoke with after your first partner's death was unable to help you. I can't tell you what this person intended with these circles and it's a shame you were not told the reason. Never mind, ask your GP to put you on a mental health plan because this includes visits to a psychologist. What happens is you see a psych for up to six visits, then if the psych thinks you need more your GP organizes a further four visits. These visits are subsidised by Medicare, but the gap fee varies depending on how the psych charges.

The role of the psych is not to give advice but to help you understand yourself and your depression. It can be hard work to talk about those things that hurt you and the first impulse is to clam up. Please trust the psych will have the skills to help you. If you are concerned that your anxiety will get in the way of your discussion, why not write down what is happening in your life and how you feel. Or you could print off your post to BB.

May I ask, are you a single mother? It's difficult to tell from your name.

Writing in here has helped many people, some just get the courage to go to their GP. You have already taken this step even though you worry if this is the right thing to do. I can tell you it most certainly is the right thing. When is your appointment. I hope you will write in and tell us all about how you feel. Things will improve.

Mary

[new_beginning]

Thank you White Rose.

yes I am a single mother. My appointment is for 2pm today to see the doctor. I hope it helps in some way

[blondguy]

Hello New

Thanks for writing back....Sometimes we are stuck at the bottom of the rollercoaster ride for so long we forget that eventually we do go back up again.

Finding the doc that you find works is frustrating but it may take less time than you think especially with your pro-active attitude and you really need a break too!

You have great courage to post and to initiate your new beginning. Let us know how you go today! If you wish to of course

Paulx

[geoff]

dear Nb, pardon me for abbreviating your username, but with social anxiety it grows on itself, just as your depression does and to be left alone after your partner and young child have now left you, makes it so hard for you to cope, and I personally have been through this a few times and it is never easy to understand why or how come, and
as you say it's never easy to just go out and start a conversation 'with a check-out girl', why, because it only lasts about a couple of minutes and what do you talk about, the weather, it doesn't have much meaning to it, and there is no reason to just go out and talk to someone who is only interested in getting their pay check at the end of the day.
At the moment nothing will change when you start work, you will get up out of bed, get dressed and then go to work, suffering silently to yourself and only because you need the money, but are you able to continue to do this, I don't think so, as it will become harder and harder each day and eventually you will be unemployed, and back to square one.
For your psychologist/counsellor to ask you to draw circles, well that's beyond me, no crayons to colour them in, sorry, but there was no benefit to that even a layman could tell that.
Ask your doctor what Mary has said, but make sure you tell him/her exactly what you had to do, and please let us know how you get on. Geoff. x

[Starwolf]

Hi NB,

Sorry for getting the gender wrong and thanks for clarifying.

I'm happy to read that a GP's appointment has been made. I understand this was a difficult decision to make so, well done !

Re your previous bewildering experience with a therapist, let me tell you this : in my first year of learning philosophy / psychology the whole class had great expectations about embarking on some really momentous stuff. Imagine our disbelief when the first thing our teacher asked us was to draw a saucepan. We felt...cheated.The following session, we were asked to put our hand up if we thought he was a crackpot for asking us to draw this saucepan. Those who did were immediately classified by him as students whose ability to question was stronger than fear/respect for authority. The others were lectured about the necessity of a questioning mind above all else. He then proceeded to tell us why drawing the saucepan told him a lot about who we were as individuals...which he needed to know to be a good teacher. It turned out that nearly half the class had drawn the handle and spout in the wrong spot in relation to each other (making it impossible to pour). This of course told him a lot about the way our mind worked. Or didn't. This guy was a lecturer in Europe's most prestigious university, a much respected and influential figure in his field.

As for circles, whether people draw them clockwise or anticlockwise, connect both ends easily, lose the geometry in the process (and at which point) etc...reveals quite a few basic brain patterns. A bit simplistic but useful as starters.

You could have questioned him/her. If you didn't, s/he should have explained. A relationship of trust and respect is a necessary strong basis for a good working relationship. S/he shouldn't have let you go thinking s/he was a crackpot. It is indeed the first thought that would come to everybody's mind. This is where s/he failed you.

So please, when/if in doubt, ask questions. You are entitled to. It is part of the therapist's job to answer them.

I wish you all the best on this new journey.