My Anxiety has been degrading my life since grade 6

[Spider-girl]

Hi. 

If I had to express my internal thoughts in one word, the word would be afraid. I (18F) was bullied in my class when I was in grade six, when I tried telling my Teachers, Trusted Adults, and my Family none believed me nor listened to me. By the time my parents put me into High School, the damage was already done. I lost trust not just in kids my age but in adults and family. I'm always in fight-or-flight at any inconvenience, the moment I make a mistake or get into trouble I will break down crying like it is the end of the world, I could never talk to anyone and for years I've lost important social skills and how to communicate with people. At home isn't entirely better, I'm always overthinking things around the house, and have trouble sleeping some nights worrying about the worst-case scenarios and how to defend myself.

I don't recall any time I have had validation for my Anxiety and problems. For friends at school, anytime I felt I had trust with someone and opened up about my past or current problems, they would always compare my problems with theirs, and talk about how they have it harder. Or just in general say "Oh yeah same lol" and leave nothing more. With my family, I've never felt like they even want to listen to my problems, if I'm ever worrying about something or getting overwhelmed they tell me that I'm being "Silly" or "Funny" and need to "stop worrying all the time". As if I can switch my panic off. 

I've been to four counsellors, but they always give the same advice that never works out for me. Meditation, long baths, exercising, paper booklets, etc... None of it's ever worked but I've had to lie that I'm getting better because that basic advice is all they can give me. I want to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist to pinpoint ways I can understand more about what I'm going through and how to help it but I don't think I can afford it, let alone really open myself up to them even if I wanted to. 

I guess the only reason I'm talking about this is because I don't feel like there's any other place to go. I've graduated High-school and through my relatively normal surface, I'm still the same scared little girl I was in grade six. And I don't think I can escape this.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome, congratulations graduating.

One of the major issues we get here is sufferers of a mental health condition that family and friends dont, wont or cant help us with. The real reason for this is that our issues are invisible and it takes a real empathetic person to understand or... people with mental health problems that really know what you are enduring. Hence this forum is probably the place for you and we are a friendly bunch with life experiences. Already I can relate to your being bullied, your anxiety and your solitary life on that.

When people say "stop worrying" it is the most accurate tell-tale that they treat "worry" as something that you can get a cure for on a supermarket shelf, yet I know that worry a form of anxiety takes many years to cure as dictated in a link at the end of this post. In fact it took me 22 years!.

I'm 68yo and the bullying I received at primary school and to a less extend in secondary lives with me today. At 21yo I was a prison officer and developed another character of a tough guy that had to deal with bullying and tormenting behaviour plus violence so it is difficult to rectify and dismissed by teachers and loved ones- why? because they have no remedy and they hope you can adapt to it as a part of life. Not ideal by any means.

However in the case of family dismissal of these topics most of the time it is not a reflection of their love for you and that is a very important thing to separate as frustrating as it is. The simple answer is to continue loving your family but deal with these problems via this forum plus any professional care you can obtain. You are entitled to 10 free visits to a psychologist or similar through your GP as determined by them. This has been sort by me several times over the years and has truly been great.

Anxiety is a illness commonly dismissed. see a link below. The flight or fight tells me a lot about your highly strung life so be prepared for a lot of ongoing work to rectify this over a long period of time- its worth it, I'm so relaxed now and happy. Every part of your life will likely need changing- environment, profession, working hours (say full time to 2x part time), dropping off toxic friends and picking up those more understanding, setting goals like moving to the country, pursuing a passion and so on and yes it includes meditation. On meditation there is some methods that is enjoyable eg I use Prem Rawat Maharji and have done so for 35 years now. He has many videos on youtube my favourites are Sunset, the perfect instrument and All is well. google them.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/meditation-words-of-wisdom-it-helped-me-for-25-year...

PS we have an immence library here you can use search feature.

I hope that helps and by all means you can continue our posting here of start new topics as they arise in your life. 

TonyWK

[Scared]

We will listen to you

I know whats going on is really happening