Mum with anxiety and anger

[Struggling_mum]

Really hoping someone has some experience with this and can help me feel less alone.

I have a very spirited 3 year old and an 11 month old, a very supportive husband and supportive family but they all live hours away. I have a long history of anxiety (and depression) but have recently experienced episodes of anger, usually in relation to something my 3 year old son does (fairly normal 3 year old behaviour, ie Not listening and following instructions, throwing things/being rough with his sister etc). I feel so ashamed because I lose control at times and yell at him, usually causing him to cry.

When it first started happening I saw a psychologist and spoke about some strategies and she felt sleep deprivation was playing a big part. The sleep deprivation isn’t as bad now but the intermittent anger is still there. I know that I become overwhelmed when I have too much going on and I usually experience the anger when both kids are unhappy/needing attention or I am trying to get them both somewhere by a certain time and my son is not cooperating and we are running late. Although I can identify these situations, I still struggle to find a way to keep myself calm. It’s like a switch is flicked and I just see red and cannot be rational in that moment.

I feel like I must be the only person like this and worry that I’m going to damage my kids as a result of this problem. I have never ever hit them and I don’t feel I am at risk of this but I have slammed doors and occasionally thrown something across the room (they were not at risk of being hit). I know walking away is one strategy but this is not ideal as the situation often requires me to address my 3 year olds behaviour and keep my baby safe. However, I need to be in control of myself to help him and to model appropriate behaviour. I cannot understand why I cannot maintain my composure in these situations. I have always been known for being a very calm and patient person at work and feel like a fraud because my colleagues would be astounded and disgusted at what sometimes happens at home. (note: this is not a daily occurrence).

[Quercus]

Hi Struggling Mum and welcome to the forums.

I'm glad you spoke up about your anger because at least I can reassure you that you are not alone in this. At all! Mum of a 3 and 4 year old here. My goodness some days I feel like putting up a sign "free to a good home"and walking away. Being a Mum can be crap.

Feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and exhausted to the point of extreme anger is unfortunately common with me too. When I started speaking openly with other Mums I found a lot of others were exactly the same. Some did give me critical looks and judge which made me realise this is why noone says anything. Fear of being judged or called a bad parent.

You're NOT a bad parent. You're doing the best you can right now and ultimately that is all we can do.

Have you visited your GP or community midwife to talk about this? If not it's really important to try asap. It is not that your kids are at risk... YOU are. You sound exhausted. Sometimes anger can be a symptom of your anxiety (or for me depression) not being managed well.

I was told every Mum needs one hour alone every single day to recharge and self care. It made me laugh. One hour every day!? How the heck can I wrangle that? Even an hour a week is hard. Even going to the loo without kids doesn't happen.

Like you I don't have much family support apart from hubby and he works to support us. So mostly it's just me. It is difficult to find the time but not impossible.

Do you know which services around you offer creche facilities? If not it is time to do some research. Creche is a godsend for mum's without family support. Usually very inexpensive and you know the kids are close to you. Gyms, swimming pools, recreation centres are a good place to look and excercise has helped me manage anger so maybe it will help you too.

Also if you have a women's health care service locally, go have a chat and see what classes and services they offer. At the very least they may be able to point you to other local options.

I hope you feel welcome to join in around the forums. I'm not online a lot at the moment (not feeling great either) but I'll check in when I can.

Nat

[Roobot]

Oh my, I shout at my kids ALL the time. And I have smacked them and felt SO guilty afterwards. I'm working on it though. I had 3 under 5 (although the youngest is 5 now so getting a bit easier)

You're not a bad mum and neither am I. We weren't designed to do this alone and circumstances conspire that most try without grandmas and aunties etc. It takes a village to raise a child. You need to find a village of like minded, kind, understanding people. I always offer to take someone else's kids for an hour, just to pop to shops or doctor then I don't feel bad asking if someone will take mine.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone x

[CMF]

Hi there and welcome,

I'd like to add to what Nat and Roobot have said. You ARE NOT a bad mum. I am a single mum of 3 kids 16, 15 and 5. I yell all the time. I get tired, frustrated, have anxiety, try to keep on top of things and can't. We are all human and there is only so much we can deal with at times, especially with anxiety/depression on top of it.

Could you try some of the suggestions you've been given. You deserve a break to recharge, it does help.

cmf

[Struggling_mum]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. It helps to know I am not alone and to read some words of support. I have an appointment with my GP on Monday but feel anxious about speaking to her. My anxiety is definitely not well controlled at the moment and I feel that is where this anger is coming from. I will try to work in some of the suggestions. Thank you.

[Karlsbad]

Hi Struggling Mum!

Id like to share with you some of my story.

I too get angry at my children over small everyday things. Recently my 7 year old looked terrified of me after I yelled at him not finding his shoes fast enough and it was because I had moved them and forgotten!

I cried the whole way to work that morning feeling like the worlds worst mum and it ate away at me all day. When I went to pick my son up from school that afternoon, I gave him the biggest hug and told him how sorry I was for being mad at him and that it was my fault not his.

He turned to me and said that he had “totally forgot” that he was in trouble with me.

I hope that you know that your doing a normal mums job with an extra load of stress on top. Give yourself five minutes and then go and hug your babies tight and tell them your sorry.

X

[CMF]

Hi there,

how did your GP appointment go?