Living nightmare!!!

[Real1]

Anxiety is eating me up!!

In 2008 I met someone special, we connected and fell deeply love. Over 3 years we saw one another 3 times, the distance between us (2 states) away started to take a toll as I had trouble finding steady work and she lost her job. Then she died!

I mourned her for the next 4 years, I cried a river! Then I rang her, and she answered her phone! I spent the next year (2015) angry and upset. April last year she reached out and we became friends. It progressed over the year, and we got engaged.

Start of this year she revealed she'd cheated on me with a friend the 4th year of our relationship. Fell pregnant! Married the guy as it was best for the baby. He beat her up 3x! Went to jail and she fled.

Devastated! I blocked her on Facebook and backed away to lick my wounds. I attempted to get over her, going on a succession of (flop) dates, upto 3 a day! She'd text me now and then but I ignored her. Two-weeks ago she reached out for a friend...her mum was on her death bed. As a Christian I forgave her and we have been chatting ever since.

Since I'd left her she's done EVERYTHING she could to better herself...twice a week counselling (she was abused as a kid). New mental medication. Made amends with her abuser dad, who'd she'd grown up without. Became vested in her church again. Lost weight, to feel better about herself. I commend her for her efforts and am impressed she didn't sit back and do nothing to improve herself.

I forgive her for her discretion, but in the recesses of my mind, my head swirls with what to do! If we grow close again, we both know what's due. It does my head and heart in!!!

[Croix]

Dear Real1~

This has been a really devastating time for you and I can feel your pain and uncertainty. It would erode trust in a major way. What to do now would be a most worrying thing. The possibility of more pain daunting.

I do like the fair way you told of this lady's journey. True she made a mistake, but since then has faced up to her responsibilities as she saw them and married as the best thing for her child. She has then paid a horrible price stuck in an abusive violent relationship. For her too trust would be hard to come by.

I do think the fact that she cut off from you was quite probably in part due to as a sense of shame, perhaps feeling your standards were not met. I also think that her continued attempts at contact reveal she does feel for you and probably wants to try again.

As you pointed out her conduct since has been exemplary and has shown an earnest desire to improve despite twice having been an abuse recipient. Just to face up to this is a real milestone.

Everyone - as you would know - makes mistakes, and even relatively small ones can yield a cascade of consequences.

From the way you write I would think you are half-way towards getting together again. Frankly if I was in your position I'd want to do that. Human closeness is something really to be valued.

What do you think?

Croix

[Real1]

Thanks so much Croix, for your in-depth and well thought out post! You helped put things into better perspective...especially about her repeat abuse (dad, first boyfriend, and husband). She has had a horrific time of it! Which helps me make allowances for her I wouldn't had she had a "normal upbringing".

We have been chatting today, it's reached the apex, where we either make a go of it or walk away. Our mutual love makes it all but impossible to step away. That's why, through everything, we stay in regular contact. You are quite right; we have invested so much over the years (10 next year) it would be sad to fall down at the finish line.

We are at a stale-mate where to head next, but we can't continue along as we have been, it's make it or break it time. Especially if she wants another child, to bond us, next year. Hopefully we'll join forces to "get the show on the road". It will help with my anxiety, and I can sleep better and function more efficiently through the day.

Thanks again for addressing my concerns so well. Blessings!

[Croix]

Dear Real~

Thank you for the blessings. I would like to know how you get on. You do sound more positive.

Croix

[Real1]

Well Croix, I'M OUT! She's letting her ex, who she cheated on me with, to stay at her house during the school holidays to visit his daughter. While I grasp the gesture, he isn't known for his morals, and she is naive is she thinks he'll stay in his room and not make a move. Best I bow out, then it doesn't matter what transpires.

My anxiety is peaked, has been ever since she told me. It's better this way, leave them to it. My feelings don't matter, obviously, so time to close off my love for her and start to heal. I have her a choice; her past or her future, and she chose the creep who molested her and beat her up. Time for her to live with her choice, there's no coming back!!!

When he leaves I know she'll regret it, but I am adamant this time. I won't cower and allow her to abuse my trust...as I did when they first slept together on his sofa. As far as I am concerned, they deserve one another...I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't reconcile during his stay.

Thanks again for your help and support. Nice to know there are those who care.

God bless.

[Croix]

Dear Real1~

Well, I'm sorry to hear this and can't say you are wrong letting it all go.

From outside looking in I think for a decent partnership both parties have to consider the other, and take heed of their views and feelings. In this case she does not appear to be doing so, and it is a very basic sort of thing where consultation and agreement would seem to be vital.

And yes, there are many here that both sympathize and care, I'm glad you found that out.

Croix