Living in a constant state of anxiety.

[Guardian_Angel]

I don't have the Characters to completely explain how things come to be this way, but I care for 2 foster boys and I used to care for their big sister. For years we started to have to get counseling for her. but child protection wouldn't let us know what was happening in the sessions. She was drinking/taking drugs/having sex and we told child protection about it and they did nothing. After she got to a point where we managed to stop her do inappropriate things (she was age 12). She asked to be removed out of our house and put somewhere else (which they did on the day she was court skipping school so we wouldn't get a chance to tell her of. She has now shut us out completly as if we didn't exist. We had her and her brothers with us from her age 3, there has now been a total breakdown of any control in her life and she is almost 16. Apart from killing someone, I don't know one thing she hasn't been involved in, she has lost every placment she gets by walking out. Now I have been told by child protection, that if I have any contact at all. I will be up on investigation because it will "upset her". She has broken both my and my wife's hearts! But she still gets contact visits with her brothers, so we can't leave the situation behind and move on with our lives. The very thought of possibly bumping into her causes chest pains and I have trouble breathing. I have to hid it for the boy's sake and child protection can't know either or they could just walk in and take the boys from us. I've had counseling and even a couple of sessions with a psychologist. They basically say "get used to it". But I can't stop caring about someone that feels like my daughter being in so bad a situation and not even being allowed to talk to her without the risk of investigation. I just don't know what to do to cope and it's causing all sorts of trouble in my life! Every time I leave the house I watch for her, so we don't go anywhere near her. The conflict is tearing me apart and I don't know how to handle it!

[Quiettall]

Hi there

I really feel for you and your wife here. You have both given so much for these kids, only to be bitten back. Continuing to seek counselling, or even posting here may help you cope. The other option is to time your activities so you are not around when the girl is nearby, for access/contact visits with the boy. Can I ask whether you have anything else going in your life that will generate some positive energy for you, such as a social group, participation in sport or a voluntary agency. I suspect you will sy you dont have time, but the social contact outside this context is important for you to achieve a balance in your thinking and life.

All the best with this very very difficult situation. Keep posting as I am sure there are other members here who can help you with their insights and experiences.

[Croix]

Dear Guardian Angel,
I’m sorry for the delay. Thanks for the post, a lot of pain, frustration and sense of being lost about a toxic situation. Hopeful sending a message here may end up being of help, though perhaps not in the way you might anticipate.

There’s a sign on passenger aircraft on the overhead lockers, it says:

Put oxygen mask on self before others

which is quite simple. It means to help others; partner, the two boys, and deal with the big sister you have to be in good shape first. It is no good running yourself ragged to the point of illness. No help to you or anyone else.

The chest pains and breathing sound worrying to me. I know you have been to a counselor and psychologist, and that they have not been much help. Even so you do need help. Trying to soldier on alone will not work.

I tried it and kept hanging on (I was a policeman), only to melt down completely. I was invalided out, and due in part not being treated sooner, am still not 100%. So you really need competent medical help.

May I suggest you keep trying. It is vital that you find professionals that are on the ball, sympathetic and click with you. If you have not done so already have a complete physical, with emphasis on your heart and breathing (I went for a heart stress test and MRI).

If you find that physically you are ok then that will be one load off your mind. Getting decent support and therapy, including self-help, can assist you combat a most horrible situation.

I’d suggest reading The Facts menu above about anxiety, panic attacks and depression, so you are fully informed. When visiting a medical professional I always write everything down first, history, circumstances, symptoms. This way I don’t have to rely upon my ability to explain things clearly during the (long) appointment.

I’m sorry if this initial answer does not straight away address the problems you are facing. However it should underline you have to be fit to engage in any taxing endeavor.

Additionally Quiettall raises some good points, particularly in relation to getting positive influences from elsewhere.

Please post again as often as you would like, you will be met with understanding and care.

Croix

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Guardian Angel,

You are clearly a kind man who cares deeply for your foster children and takes the responsibility of caring for them seriously.

However, there comes a point where one has to acknowledge that 
1. we only have power to control our own actions and thoughts , not other peoples.
2. the best gift we can give our kids is our love and ACCEPTANCE. 

If you can agree somewhat with these statements i think you might come to understand that there is only so much you can do to change her to be “ a better person’ in your eyes. You can work on being YOUR best self however. So that may mean getting as fit and healthy both physically and emotionally as you can .

Exercising , eating well, getting as much sleep and leisure time as you can . Going to a group stress management or meditation class, or to a therapist. That way you are in your best place to be the kindest, happiest & calmest parent to the 2 boys you are raising as well as a great partner and friend  to your wife.

Acceptance is the key word in the second statement as it infers that in raising children , whether our own or others, we often have to accept that they are going to make choices that we don’t like or have characteristics we don't like . So how do cope ? We can get upset and angry or want them to change .. but ultimately, we  are happier at peace with the people they are and love then anyway. 

Now granted your foster daughter is an EXTREME case , but i think the same principles apply. Try to accept that she is who she is. If you can love her inspite of her poor behaviour, great. If not, be honest with yourself and accept that you tried your best and try and hang to the parts of her you once cherished and loved. Feel there will always be a place for her in your heart if she can behave with respect to your family and to you. ( Boundaries are important !) 

Allow your boys to see that you and your wife are able to be at peace with what you tried to do and what she is without blame or anger.

Sometimes things just are.