Leaving a toxic energy behind

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there,

a couple of days ago I had come to the realisation that I needed to leave my very destructive and toxic relationship. I found the courage and strength within me to leave.

I had been dating my partner for ten months. And throughout those ten months it had been a very rocky experience. This was my first ever real relationship.

Name calling had been happening when I got anxious. This particular person would get angry with me and start calling me ‘pathetic’ and ‘childish’ when I wanted comfort and hugs during a panic attack.
He told me that the reason he would get angry and treat me poorly was because I made him get that way by being anxious.

when I went to hospital for suicidal thoughts he hadn’t spoken to me all day because of an episode of me overthinking over text prior to that day. He then rang me up and abused me on the phone saying ‘maybe you need to lose me, someone you love in order to realise your a horrible person.’ And ‘if your trying to make me feel sorry for you then you can stop trying.’

he also use to pick on my appearance knowing very well that I had insecurities and issues that led back to my mum being emotionally abusive towards me.
calling me a 6/10. When I hadn’t been asking him to even rate my looks. Telling me I also look embarrassing in my flamboyant clothing. And that I was plus size too when others and even medial professionals tell me I’m not.

he would sometimes not drive me home and I would have to catch the train home by myself without him even walking me to my platform. I felt very unloved and lonely.

then when I would have anxiety episodes and overthink he would ignore me for hours on end by not responding to my calls or text messages. Then blaming me for making him angry. He would say things like ‘if you didn’t do that then I would not have treated you that way.”

Part of me feels very liberated and empowered that I decided to leave. Another part of me feels upset and so very heartbroken.

I know deep down I have done the right thing for my mental health and well-being. And people, who I trust deeply around me have told me so too. As they have watched me face the challenges and pressure this relationship has put me through. I have been reading books about feminism and practicing self care and love routines. As well as reading articles about narcissistic abuse.

I’m in a weird situation,

need some more insight.
PF

[PsychedelicFur]

Today is one of my first days of actually not really missing him. i have used a list that I wrote up as a reminder on my bedroom wall anytime I feel tempted to text or speak to him. I also have a voice recording of myself reading out the list of things he has said and done that I listen to on a repetitive loop whenever I feel tempted to speak to him or hear his voice.

I’m actually so proud of myself!!!!
I’m recognising that the trauma and the damage he has put me through does not deserve my sympathy or attention. I made a reminder on my phone to listen to my recording everyday at midday. It’s definitely empowering!!

[ecomama]

Dear PF

That's really proactive of you making all those reminders.

I'm so glad you feel more empowered!
That's wonderful, you're doing so well!

You ARE allowed to "be there" for yourself in any sad times.
Brene Brown talks about "writing a permission slip" for yourself just like for a school excursion or something...

You can give yourself "permission" to just be and feel whatever you're feeling.

It's such a beautiful set of qualities you have being so in touch with your emotions, being sensitive, kind and caring.
Looking after yourself the best you can will help keep these qualities (that we need a whole LOT in our world) instead of hardening us.

Learning from this, not denying it, is the best education you could have for your future relationships with anyone.

Hugs.

You've got this!

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

hey PF. I just wanted to say I'm proud of you for trying. I know how difficult it is to get over someone even if you think you have. I acknowledge the effort you're making to try.

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it, greatly and immensely.

Coming to my senses a little more. I haven’t cried much lately, which is interesting because I read somewhere on another insightful article that the reason why I am not grieving over my toxic ex was because during the relationship and up to the last couple of months I was crying every single or second day. I was grieving for the relationship then. And now I don’t have much in me anymore. I’m drained, tired, relieved but yet again I’m really really drained.

[Guest_4643]

that's good to hear, keep it up.

[Petal22]

Well done 😊 You should be proud of yourself 😊

[geoff]

Hello PF, I'm also very proud of you and if I can give you another example which you maybe able to relate to, but perhaps in a different logic, but they are virtually very similar and please I hope you don't feel upset because that's not what I would ever want to do.

If a person has a new dog brought home, let's say 4 or 5 years old and all it does is keep barking and growling at this one person they would hesitate at first, would they try and appease it, but if this didn't happen would they be game to try and pat the dog, I certainly wouldn't and this has happened to me on countless occasions while working or even quoting people for any particular job, so I would quote a high price, hoping I wouldn't get the job.

Relax and enjoy your freedom.

Take care.

Geoff.

[ecomama]

Hey PF

Sure we can certainly grieve the relationship while we're still in it.

We can also be upset alot during abusive relationships trying to do ALL the things we thought would make them happy, veritably twisting ourselves in knots by their demands.

THEN we realise it's far too much.
NOTHING we could ever do would please them.

The person is NOT the person we thought they were. Abusive ppl hide their real selves until they think they "got" us.

Stephen Covey speaks of CHARACTER vs personality (disorders too).
Character is deep. Compassion. Caring. Integrity to mention a few.
Personality is surface stuff - ppl with little or no character put all their efforts into what they want others to see... until they can't keep up the facade any more.

The lives of each type of person look VERY different.

Wishing you well,
Love EM

[PsychedelicFur]

It’s my ex partner’s birthday coming up. I feel like I’m obligated to say ‘Happy Birthday’ but I won’t because I’m hurting and I need to heal. And speaking to him again will jeopardise what I have achieved so far, with my healing.

[ecomama]

Hey PF

These "firsts" can be quite challenging... are you able to plan some extra nice or fun things to do with friends or family on that day?
Or the weekend after?

Or even a LOT of self-care if you want to be alone?

Try not to sear that date in your mind...

I was married for over 20y and can barely remember the birthday BUT still have the odd "intrusive thought".

How are you doing generally?

I'm really impressed that you continued studying.
High five!

EMxxxx