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Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur
Community Member

Hello there,

a couple of days ago I had come to the realisation that I needed to leave my very destructive and toxic relationship. I found the courage and strength within me to leave.

I had been dating my partner for ten months. And throughout those ten months it had been a very rocky experience. This was my first ever real relationship.

Name calling had been happening when I got anxious. This particular person would get angry with me and start calling me ‘pathetic’ and ‘childish’ when I wanted comfort and hugs during a panic attack.
He told me that the reason he would get angry and treat me poorly was because I made him get that way by being anxious.

when I went to hospital for suicidal thoughts he hadn’t spoken to me all day because of an episode of me overthinking over text prior to that day. He then rang me up and abused me on the phone saying ‘maybe you need to lose me, someone you love in order to realise your a horrible person.’ And ‘if your trying to make me feel sorry for you then you can stop trying.’

he also use to pick on my appearance knowing very well that I had insecurities and issues that led back to my mum being emotionally abusive towards me.
calling me a 6/10. When I hadn’t been asking him to even rate my looks. Telling me I also look embarrassing in my flamboyant clothing. And that I was plus size too when others and even medial professionals tell me I’m not.

he would sometimes not drive me home and I would have to catch the train home by myself without him even walking me to my platform. I felt very unloved and lonely.

then when I would have anxiety episodes and overthink he would ignore me for hours on end by not responding to my calls or text messages. Then blaming me for making him angry. He would say things like ‘if you didn’t do that then I would not have treated you that way.”

Part of me feels very liberated and empowered that I decided to leave. Another part of me feels upset and so very heartbroken.

I know deep down I have done the right thing for my mental health and well-being. And people, who I trust deeply around me have told me so too. As they have watched me face the challenges and pressure this relationship has put me through. I have been reading books about feminism and practicing self care and love routines. As well as reading articles about narcissistic abuse.

I’m in a weird situation,

need some more insight.
PF

79 Replies 79

Thanking you Em. Hope you have a lovely nap.

Appreciate the response, greatly!! I think both the detox idea and the ideas you have suggested such as the diary will help me forget about him.

Hope you are well Em,

all the best.

Love PsychedelicFur.

Thanks PF! I did have a great nap, I was really zonked.

Yes I think I'm well lol. Need to see a GP soon for some test results but I'm sure it'll all be fine.

I read your whole thread before I posted, but I hadn't read your other threads so not sure of other things that were / are happening or happened in your life.
So please forgive me if I repeat things - which can happen to all of us!
Sorry if this happens.

It sounds like you're a very sweet and sensitive person.
Being your first "real" relationship, this holds a huge impact in one's life IME.
(Tbh ANY relationship involving commitment from us can hold a huge impact in our lives!).

If you could answer these questions it would help me pitch my responses better..
Are you a very young person?
Had you moved in with ex BF?

Regardless of those points, I think it's unrealistic to think you'll ever forget about exBF.
In fact it's probably good for you if you DON'T forget in some ways.
The lessons you have the potential to learn from this r/ship can stand you in good stead when embarking on any friendships in the future.

Our feelings can fade over time.
Certainly if we work on it, our emotional reactions when thinking about the person can diminish significantly to just a faint memory over time too.

School's out on whether we can completely recover from a broken heart. IDK it takes time... and alot of self-care!
And some really fun times, ongoing, with other people and nice times working on our own lives.
I can see you've continued studying and this will help ALOT if you can maintain this.

This relationship becomes "part of your story".

I wanted to point out something pretty significant I noted from this thread and some other things I saw you post.
I'm SO GLAD for you that you got out so quickly!!!

You've lessened the damage and I'm grateful for that for you. To me this shows you HAD done 'enough' work before you met BF to know the difference between healthy and toxic relationships.

I think sometimes whether we stay or leave is a bit like the "how to boil a frog" theory...apparently the ONLY way to boil a frog is to put it in cold water & slowly turn up the heat.
THIS is how manipulative abusers can trap their victims.

They "love bomb" and be all sweety pie to us and we think "OH aren't they sweet!" then over time they turn up the heat.

You can't boil a frog with the pot already boiling. They just JUMP OUT.

Time for your healing.

Love EM

Hello there Em,

it’s great to hear that you had a nice nap. I’m glad you are feeling more refreshed now.

Goodluck with the doctors and the test results too.

What self care things did you put into practice today?

thank you for your lovely response. You gave me an enormous smile on my face haha.

To answer your question I am eighteen years of age. My boyfriend was six years older than me.
And no, I did not move out with my ex because I sort of knew a month or two months before I dumped him that he was manipulating me and something did not feel right. My intuition told me so.

Although he offered, I gave it a thorough thought and realised that I wasn’t at the stage in my life, mentally nor financially, to really make such a large commitment like that with someone I am dating. Nor did I think he would be ready to live with a romantic partner.

He yelled at me when I told him I was not ready. He said to me that I ‘f*cked everything up for him and ruined his life!’ Because he had already told his roommate, whom had arrange other living arrangements not so long after he told them about him wanting to move out. I told him prior to him yelling at me that moving out together requires a lot of thought and planning and I told him I wanted to really think about it. However, he said ‘We haven’t got long’ and started forcing me to make a decision two days after proposing the offer to me.

I have heard about the frog theory, yes. If a frog had been put straight into boiling water it would just react by dying. Manipulators slowing but surely lure you in.

Yes, he was indeed very lovey dovey. He wrote me a song and made me feel special. Then later he went on to tell me that I wasn’t very attractive and I was ‘embarrassing looking’ in his eyes. Complaining about driving me home when I stayed the night as I don’t have my full license yet. Everything was just such a dilemma with him. I sat through nine hours of Star Wars for him, I like it too but that’s not the point. It was his idea of going. And then when I wanted to see ‘Mick Fleetwood’s & Friends tribute to Peter Green’s Fleetwood Mac’ he said no way, he wasn’t interested and didn’t care about it.
I knew something was not right with the relationship but at the time I just could not put my finger on it.

thanking you,

love PsychedelicFur. Take care Em!

FYI : I also went to watch the movie I wanted to watch as I was not going to miss out for anyone!! 🙂

oh dear PF

i had such a similar relationship, except i was 28.
He was very cruel to me and i felt i deserved it.
it was hard to leave. he wouldn't let me go easy or with respect. u didn't ruin his life PF. And that manipulation is just to arouse your pity and compassion, which you have in spadees.
I felt so sucked dry at the end.
I wrote a poem about how he had emptied my pockets, robbed me. I felt I had no strength at the end. But that was all his weakness. Leaving such relationships is true strength. U go PF. You are one smart cookie.

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Oh dear baby girls!!!

That's all so horrid. Love to you both / all. Hugs.

It was a very "different time" but I went thru similar at similar age spans. But due to extremely controlling parents on both sides, I was virtually in a position of "an arranged marriage". I was with him for around 10y.

I left, caused "disgrace" to my family. Oh well that was more than half a life time ago! They thought THAT was bad lol.
It got worse, for me anyway, which I PRAY will not happen to either of you again by your feeding your own instincts GOOD stuff!

Just a twig to the idea of boiling a frog... the frog jumps out when put into boiling water... meaning that if the partner we saw was going off full throttle when we MET... we would've run for the hills immediately.
They wait & indeed slowly but sure enmesh & entrap us over time...

If you can jump out BEFORE that all takes legal, marital, familial hold etc then you're WAY better off.
Though I will never underestimate the damage a narcissist / sociopath / psychopath / abusive / toxic person can do at ANY stage.

PF 18yo wow, that abuser had zero idea what YOU needed.
It was only thinking about itself.

Sleepy knows the Course I did called "Breaking Free" and somehow got some info on it from NSW?
It was for victims of DV / FV in abusive relationships.
Headspace referred me to the Course about 6y ago when the kids were disclosing all sorts.

I immediately enrolled & OMG IT WAS GOBSMACKING information.
Heavily researched based & Govt approved - even mandated at times.

Part of that Course tells us, we should not make any commitment to a partner within 2y.
We need to observe the person for at least that long.

This doesn't guarantee they're not abusive but goes a long way deferring the enmeshment issues.
Easier to get out if we're not living with them.

I know you're very young PF, so some things may not click but you're also very intuitive & seem rather intellectual so maybe they will! Lol IDK...

If you have Netflix, I urge you to watch "The Call to Courage" by Brene Brown.
She has YouTube Clips & her Ted Talks are amazing!
Her Podcast "Unlocking Us" is beyond brilliant.

Possibly when leaving abusive r/ships we go into a tumbling pit of ONLY trying to work this all out, it's a THANG and a half!!
Keeping your eyes on the normality of life and breathing LIFE into those areas can pull our anxiety into line and keep us on the paths we aim for.

Food for thought.

Love EM

Hello PF, much has happened I only wish it was good, however living with a person who idolises and loves every breath you take and who can overlook any problems that may happen is someone that truly wants to hold onto you as long as can possibly be possible, is a person where you share all your affection for, but if a person criticises everything you do and then tries to make up with flowers and/or chocolates after an unpleasant occasion whenever it happens, is definitely a person you need to be cautious of, simply because if you decide to marry th0en the behaviour may0 become constant, and I've seen this happen a couple of times with friends I knew.

Your only 18 years old a great age I can still remember and I'm sure there will be other people just wanting to be with you, let your mind expand to who keeps looking at you, someone who will treat you with kindness and especially love.

Take care.

Geoff.

I am so sorry that he treats you like that and leaving that toxic relationship is the best thing to do. You do not deserve to be treated that way, you are still young and you will meet the one who will understand you, be good to you and love you no matter what.

Good morning everyone, first and foremost for anyone reading this who has been through a similar scenario and has survived verbal or emotional or even spiritual, financial or physical abuse in any form of a relationship .. I just want to say I’m so sorry and you did nothing wrong! All of that makes perfect sense!

I had only wished now that I stayed just friends with him for two years to really see what he was like.

Those red flags happen and if you ignore them earlier on, then very later on in the relationship you could really pay for it.

Do your research if you are in a relationship or are about to enter one!! If something does not feel right and your intuition is telling you something is not right then nine times out of ten it probably is not right! If you talk to them about concerns and your feelings and it ends up in a disagreement then that is a extremely toxic environment and YOU need to really reconsider your position and place in that relationship!

I went through a phase in my previous relationship where I would not tell him how I felt because I thought he would yell at me and ignore my messages my hours on end. As well as give me the silent treatment for hours on end! When all I wanted to do was talk to him and sort of the problem. That seem to be his reaction in previous times. So it was only natural for me to expect that, right?

Teach your girls that getting male validation and attention is not the main thing you should expect from life! Tell them that it’s perfectly ok to be independent.

Remember, if you crying every night about how this person is treating you then that is not love. If you have to change your ideologies and beliefs for this person then that is not love. That is a toxic environment. There is more to love than saying ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you’

Early morning deep thoughts are GOOOOOOD for the soul.

many thanks,

PsychedelicFur xx

Love podcasts so I will check it out!!!!!

love the idea of the course too!!! Sounds wonderfully insightful. Thank you for informing me!

many thanks, PF xx