Leaving a toxic energy behind

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there,

a couple of days ago I had come to the realisation that I needed to leave my very destructive and toxic relationship. I found the courage and strength within me to leave.

I had been dating my partner for ten months. And throughout those ten months it had been a very rocky experience. This was my first ever real relationship.

Name calling had been happening when I got anxious. This particular person would get angry with me and start calling me ‘pathetic’ and ‘childish’ when I wanted comfort and hugs during a panic attack.
He told me that the reason he would get angry and treat me poorly was because I made him get that way by being anxious.

when I went to hospital for suicidal thoughts he hadn’t spoken to me all day because of an episode of me overthinking over text prior to that day. He then rang me up and abused me on the phone saying ‘maybe you need to lose me, someone you love in order to realise your a horrible person.’ And ‘if your trying to make me feel sorry for you then you can stop trying.’

he also use to pick on my appearance knowing very well that I had insecurities and issues that led back to my mum being emotionally abusive towards me.
calling me a 6/10. When I hadn’t been asking him to even rate my looks. Telling me I also look embarrassing in my flamboyant clothing. And that I was plus size too when others and even medial professionals tell me I’m not.

he would sometimes not drive me home and I would have to catch the train home by myself without him even walking me to my platform. I felt very unloved and lonely.

then when I would have anxiety episodes and overthink he would ignore me for hours on end by not responding to my calls or text messages. Then blaming me for making him angry. He would say things like ‘if you didn’t do that then I would not have treated you that way.”

Part of me feels very liberated and empowered that I decided to leave. Another part of me feels upset and so very heartbroken.

I know deep down I have done the right thing for my mental health and well-being. And people, who I trust deeply around me have told me so too. As they have watched me face the challenges and pressure this relationship has put me through. I have been reading books about feminism and practicing self care and love routines. As well as reading articles about narcissistic abuse.

I’m in a weird situation,

need some more insight.
PF

[ecomama]

Hey PF

It's OKAY to be emotional, gosh, you'd have to be a robot NOT to be after a break up like this.

Crying it out helps, apparently it releases endorphins which are feel good hormones... well it has to come out some way, so may as well have a cry!
Hugs!
It's crappy but you're gonna be OKAY!

I'm doing really well considering some shocking news last week.
I can feel the anxiety creeping in and some times tears too when I talk about it... it's an unchangeable event so the only things left for me to do is practise acceptance and strengthen myself to support my friends.

I know you're very young, and I know this was your first serious relationship... so this could be a premature concept I'm offering, but I really want to tell you now, so that it might linger in your thoughts somewhat over time...

ex will never know anything, nor care about anything but itself.
ex doesn't have the capacity to care.

Nothing you do from now on, will have nothing to do with ex.

THIS is the truest most basest form of No Contact.

NC meaning zero.
ie NO FB stalking, no asking others about whether they've seen him, politely stopping the conversation IF anyone brings ex up..

Even to use thoughts of ex in some attempts at motivation is baseless really...

EVERYTHING you do is ALL about YOU.

My trick I made up years ago when I was separated from my 2nd husband (with all our children 100% in my care)... was I IMAGINED a HUGE TALL 4ft thick concrete block wall all around myself and the kids...

any time exH popped into my head, I visualised him going over the wall!
OUTSIDE my mind.
OUTSIDE my sphere of caring.
just O-U-T out!

It worked well for me!
That was c30y ago... clearly I didn't share that exercise with HIM!
He asked many questions about me, desperately, just last Christmas!

Pffft my kids flipped all the questions off lol. Said I was engaged to a wealthy American man who's GORGEOUS and will move to the U.S. to marry him one day (LOL!). "Mum's off the market" they said hahaha.
Well that's all either true or possible lol.

Onwards and UPwards PF and if neither of those are possible in the moment then sitting with your own feelings is healing too.

Love EM

SO getting HIM out of my head stood me on firm ground to focus on my career, further studies, promotions and purchasing stacks of property lol.

[geoff]

Hello PF, I like what EM has said, but this chap is only saying what he did about his previous ex only because he wanted to be admired, 'loved' from every direction, he wanted to be the 'man of the moment'.

You could keep asking yourself 'why wasn't I good enough for him and why didn't he adore me as he says he does about his ex' and why didn't he love everything about you, your perfections in letting him know you loved him and why as a couple couldn't we just move on together, but there will never be anyone good enough for him, that's why he's broken up with his ex, he's seeking more admiration and having it from one person isn't enough for him, he only wants to be surrounded by several girls, but who he can control.

He's afraid of settling down with someone who loves him and a relationship where one person loves someone, but they don't return the love, is impossible to move forward.

There will be someone who will show you the love you deserve, then you will realise that no matter what happens between you, love will prevail in all circumstances.

No one could possibly love a person who wants it from every single available person, we can appreciate their gestures, but that's as far as it goes.

Take care.

Geoff.

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you both so much for your lovely and insightful replies. I genuinely appreciate them.

Just to clarify, my ex partner has had a crush on this girl for years, apparently. He never dated her. However before I came into the scene he told her a countless amount of times how he felt for her and she always declined his offer. Now by the sounds of it he is trying to get her again. When I think, she only wants to be his friend.

I’ve met her.. she is gorgeous and friendly. And she was no way interested in him, in a romantic way from what I could see.

however when we left her house that day I could tell he still had enormous feelings for her. Just the way he praises her, the way he gets excited to talk about her.. it was awful for me. Because I was the girl he was dating and this other girl has no interest whatsoever in him, romantically. Yet he persisted to talk about her as if he was writing a romantic novel about their non existent love affair.

Like what even? He said to me ‘I’ll just have to come to the realisation that I will never be with her.’

who says that to their GIRLFRIEND???? The girl they are actually inimically involved in?????

BIIIIIIIG RED FLAG. NARCISSISTIC PERSON.

You both are so correct. And so are others that I have spoken to about this issue. He loves what we cannot have. He would never have a chance with this girl because she only sees h a good friend. Sometimes she doesn’t even reply to his messages for weeks, sometimes months.

And I heard once that they were at an event and he reached in to hug her and it not only made her uncomfortable BUT THE WHOLE ROOM of people too.

He needs to really grow up and be more accepting of what he had instead of what he cannot have.

[PsychedelicFur]

Even in an argument once when I said ‘I can tell you still love her..’ he got all defensive and then said ‘YEAH WELL IF I HAD TO PICK BETWEEN YOU AND HER I WOULD PICK HER ANYDAY!’ Who even says that to their girlfriend if they confront them for their love and lust over another woman???

[PsychedelicFur]

It honestly just felt like the WHOLE relationship was just a lie for him. I could tell he still had feelings for her. Why couldn’t he just admit that to me instead of always being so defensive and rude about it when I confronted him? My intuition was super strong about this and knew he still cared about her strongly. Just the way he would brag about how talented and beautiful she was/is. Then he would say ‘oh I cannot support you with your things because I have other stuff.. like sitting around the house playing video games and drinking with my friends.. instead of supporting you. But she did something and he said to me ‘oh let’s all watch it... she is so talented, so talented!’

[PsychedelicFur]

It’s that ridiculous that it sounds untrue!! I wish it was untrue, the whole situation and story.

I am good enough.. actually too good to be honest! And I don’t need to settle for a man child who lusts over other women instead of really taking care and looking after the one who puts up with his complaining and problems. Yeah, nah!

[ecomama]

He sounds like a predator.

Clearly he's a creep, continuing to contact her because he's so OBVIOUSLY interested in her and she has zero interest in him.
That's creee-pyyyy.

I hope she takes measures to protect herself as she feels uncomfortable (as I would too!!!).

I think we spoke of this before??? But SHE sees things that you didn't (immediately).

Maybe she will protect herself more, maybe she won't... none of that is any of your concern as she isn't your personal friend.

If a person said that to me?
hahaha I'd make that "choice" MUCH simpler.... exit promptly.

I think you'd prefer to study ppl like this far more deeply.... once we work this stuff out in our minds... things stick out like black & white!
"Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" is a great book. Maybe your local Library will purchase it and others...

Another one far more creepy but true is "But he says he loves me"....

Once you've learned all you need to, it's much easier to let ALL this go and be grateful you dodged more pain.

Basically, CONTROL is the major motivator for abusive ppl.
When they DON'T have control over others it drives them insane... when they DO then they take the abuse to the next level.

They feed their victims "kibbles" - just a few grains of hope - when they want that affection etc back.

My hope for you is that IF you learn all you can manage to learn about abusive people NOW then it will keep you out of trouble in the future.
Simultaneously working on yourself will strengthen your position, career, MH and all round feelings of worthiness.

EMxxxx

[PsychedelicFur]

Hey Em, yes. I have been actively watching videos and reading articles online about abusive people and very unhealthy relationships and friendships..

And yes, I will actually use this as a learning curve. Because I know now the red flags.

Would you actually believe it his nickname is Wolf though?? That says enough, doesn’t it?? haa. The term a ‘Wolf in sheep’s clothing’ probably resonates with him well.

Those books sounds great. I need to expand my mind with knowledge about abusive people.. it could help me in the long run.

[PsychedelicFur]

FYI - she is a few years older than me too so she probably has been put into experiences that has made her look past his creepiness..

[ecomama]

Hey PF

Tbh I think she SEES his creepiness hence she keeps a good distance!
He's told her many times he's interested in her yet she shuts it down...
the thing with predators, they don't "get" the message.
They hope to wear their object down to the point of compliance.

Control is their M.O.

I also think Wolf took you along to visit her in efforts to make her feel more comfortable.
Like "oh he's got a GF now, I'm safe and can let my guard down a little" WRONG.
It was a creepy move to try to hug her remember?
Cringe!

Toxic / abusive / predator type ppl use others as "minions" to triangulate in all sorts of efforts.
These ppl cannot change in my honest belief.

Sometimes consequences of their actions make them curb their tendencies eg AVOs and IVOs etc... but from what I've seen, it can never change their true natures.

I hope you can do some nice things for yourself today.

It will help give you some "balance" in your life!

Getting bogged down in all this is a veritable rabbit hole, not mentally healthy to get stuck in.

Best wishes
EM