Lack of support

[Polka_Dots]

I am being treated for anxiety/depression. I have tried for more but therapy once every six weeks is the limit. My estranged sister has a severe mental illness. So no matter how I tell my parents I have this they deny and trivialise it. It makes me feel unimportant and alone. Now I prefer to hide it from them and I can’t rely on them to support me in this part of my life. I don’t cope with change and my moods are up and down. Spilling tea can change them. I have no other family, no friends and no partner. I tried the “making friends” things but my anxiety is so bad it makes it worse.

Outside of my GP and therapist only one other person in my current life knows. I have arthritis (under 30 still) and have been seeing the same podiatrist every few weeks for years. I do it so I can keep up my walks and work. She worked it out alone and asked. No one has ever taken the time to do that. It was a huge relief. It is great to finally have someone not involved in the treatment know and at least pretend to care.  She just asks each visit how I’m managing and does and says a few helpful things. Nothing in depth. We are not friends and we only see each other through paid and booked appointments about feet.  

Today she says she will be quitting her job in a few months. I felt like I had been punched. I know it is her life not mine and I’m just another paying client. Her job is not a therapist, I don’t know her well outside of feet and yet I am upset because such a huge chunk of my support base will vanish with an approaching deadline. I just don’t know if I can cope with having no outside of treatment to touch base with again. It takes years for me to build up even superficial relationships so even if I met someone (ha!) I felt OK with - say the person who replaces her, I couldn’t say anything. It would be inappropriate to ask to talk outside of the clinic and the different dynamics would be awkward. I’m feeling very lost and very lonely but also selfish about being upset. It’s one person I don’t know but when they have been one of the few people helping you with something that owns your life it’s big.

I’d like to know what people think I should do (Please don’t say “discuss with therapist.” I know that). I often use acquaintances who I get on with as a crutch. When they move on with their lives I always have problems with coping, although because of her knowing about this it is going to be harder. I know people change but I also know I don’t know how to take it.  

[Jacko777]

Hi Polka Dots,

I am sorry to hear you might lose contact with someone you have developed a relationship with and it is sad that your parents aren't offering much support.

I am glad you have posted, many of us will relate to your situation, you are not alone and you can talk to us any time. Don't let depression 'own your life', you are on a journey of recovery and with professional support, practice and time you will develop a new mindset of peace and happiness. If you can take small positive steps every day you can move away from your dependence on this relationship. You can start to partake in your interests and passions and through this you will find satisfaction, meet new people and develop new relationships.

I don't think there is really a problem with you staying in touch with her, if she wants to. Could you grab her email address or mobile number so you can text her? And just because she moves on doesn't mean she has left your heart, be thankful that you had this support from her and that you had this experience. Love to you.

Jack

[Nickname_B5EED40E-7382-45]

Hi Polka Dots

I am a newbie here but can say that I have always felt like I am not supported throughout this illness. I think partially it's simply because no one can understand until they themselves experience it and secondly I think we have a somewhat paranoid perspective that makes us think others don't connect with us. I feel this and struggle with it daily. I am lucky that I have an extremely supportive wife. Why don't you try to connect with others with the view of finding a relationship. This could give you real joy that could really aid in helping the depressions symptoms.

I have 2 or 3 friends that have done this through dating sites and have found permanent loving relationships. I know you need to be careful but taken slowly I think it could help you a lot as this sounds like that is what you really desire.

Wishing you all the best of luck

[White_Rose]

Dear Polka Dots

It's good that you have found Beyond Blue and welcome to the community. I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time and feel you have little support. I know from personal experience that it can make you feel very lonely and unwanted.

I would like to ask you a couple of things if I may. It's because I am not quite clear about your situation. When you say you have told your parents "you have this", do you mean the same illness as your sister or are you referring to the anxiety/depression? Can I ask what illness your sister has? I am wondering if your parents consider your sister so much in need that they cannot 'see' your need.

The analogy would be if one person had pneumonia and another the 'flu. The person with pneumonia would get heaps of care and medical help and perhaps the 'flu person would not get much care or sympathy because the 'flu is not considered such a serious illness. Of course that's not really the way to look at it as the 'flu person feels dreadful and needs care and compassion as much as the other patient. Hope that makes sense.

Do you still live with your parents? If this is the case then it must make for an uncomfortable situation when you have a 'down' time. As in my analogy, you need care as much as your sister.

Can I ask why you have therapy every six weeks only. Is this your decision or the counsellor's? Is it a financial decision? Please comment only on those things you feel comfortable with. When you are distressed so often I wonder why you have such little support from the therapist, but of course I do not know the circumstances.

Feeling unimportant in the life of your parents must be very hurtful. Do they understand what depression is all about? If you explore the tabs at the top of the page you will find all sorts of information. Look under The Facts and Resources where you will find information that you can download or ask BB to send you.

There is also Information for Family and Friends. I suggest you get BB to send you the printed information and give it to your parents. Quite often people just do not understand depression and this will help. And because it is not you that is saying this, it will be better received. I know that is a horrid way to put it but having materials from BB gives it more credibility.

This may be a good way to get your message across and stops you becoming emotional at the same time.

Let us know how you go on.

Mary

[MickeyM]

Hi Polka Dots.

im fairly new, so I may not be of much help, only to say I know how it feels to feel unimportant. The first time I asked for help, I was 17, a close member of my family was in hospital after an OD. (not for the first time) I spoke to my school Chaplin who told me "it's a family matter, don't talk about. crying is just selfish and indulgent." Over the next few years, I was going waaay off the rails, feeling like I didn't matter. I had no one. Even this persons counsellor didn't help me, as I was part of the other persons support. (This was when I was about 20 years ago)

But I want you to know that EVERONE matters, and that youre important too. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve support and there is nothing selfish about missing someone who matters to you! 

I like the replies above, especially Mary's suggestion of an information pack. Please consider all of the suggestions.

Take care.

[Desperately_seeking_Susan]

Dear Polka Dots,

Have you heard the saying....,'People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime,'... also, another good saying that hopefully will cheer you up is...,'When the student is ready, the Master will appear,'....maybe its time now to change....who knows what is around the corner?

And that's the bitch about anxiety, because we go, 'oh noooooo, I don't want to know what's around the corner!'

We're hear for you xoxox

[Polka_Dots]

Thank you My sibling has personality disorders, manic depression etc. There have been police and psych wards and drugs and fights and everything. It takes up a lot of my parent’s time. Mine is peanuts in comparison. I have always tried being “good” to help out. I think they don’t want to admit I have depression/anxiety because.

1. One kid is taking up all their time. They don’t want to feel they have to help another.
2. When I first started getting counselling I moved out for the first time before they were ready- I am the youngest. They’re scared my therapist is going to tell me to leave the country and cut them off (which is stupid). I am their beacon of hope, compared to the demon kid, and they are attached. Some of my anxiety stems from making them happy. I have lived alone now for four years and have my space.
3. They already feel like bad parents for raising one kid with problems. They don’t want to admit they have another kid with problems, even if they are way milder, because then they will feel like they have a 100% parental fail rate. Especially when their friends have happy kids who are starting families of their own. Also because it is their golden child.
4. Having seen what their first born can do, they don’t think depression/anxiety is a big deal.
5. They are very old school. They don’t see depression/anxiety as a real health problem. They think it’s overdiagnosed and just people seeking attention.  Sometimes when I try to tell them they say I will feel better once I have commenced the next thing in my life (e.g. trying the netball team- I lasted three weeks then felt too socially awkward to keep going. My arthritis had nothing to do with quitting) a holiday or finishing my report at work etc. It doesn’t work like that. They don’t like other viewpoints, even if the info comes from an expert in the field (don’t get me wrong I love them to bits and they love me but when it comes to not living in the 1950s it can be grrrr!)
   
    As much as I want them to understand I also feel it is easier to bury it. I guess part of what is nice is having someone a bit closer in age and not so emotionally involved know. No “talks” and she has a tiny bit of insight about it. Now today I haven’t done my work because one little thing made me glum. This will go on for about a week.   

As for my appointments it’s $$ and the MHP limits. It was agreed to spread them out rather than have them all at once and then go six months without anything.   

[White_Rose]

Dear Polka Dots

Thank you for your reply and explanation. Yes I can see how your parents are so desperately concerned about your sister. Nonetheless you are also important. One comment that is frequently said on this forum is that the person writing should not complain because there are others who are worse off. Being worse off is a comparative statement. We all manage our particular life events differently and it is pointless trying to say who has the worst life.

When anyone is in difficulty, is hurt or unhappy, they need to be loved and cared for. This is part of being human and having what may appear to be a greater or lesser misfortune has no bearing on it. How sad to turn away because your friend has 'only' got depression.

I would love you to read a new post in Staying Well. It's called Losing hope, finding hope, and it is a most inspirational post. Copy and print it, then show your parents. This is a first hand experience. I do get that your parents have a very old-fashioned view of depression and find it difficult to accept you also need help.

I wonder if it would help if you could describe the sort of help and support you would like from them. I have no idea of the support they give to your sister and how useful it is, but I wonder if they expect that you need the same level of support.

I am the fourth of five children. The sister next to me (older) and my younger brother had various needs. My sister became deaf at the age of three and my brother was a bit of a wild child. No mental illness but a lot of stress and strain. My parents managed both children. I was in the middle and although I was ill in the winter I gather I gave little trouble so I was pushed aside while my siblings were attended to.

Now it all sounds very reasonable to take care of the most needy and leave the others until later and I am certain it would have been hard for my parents to have all that on their plates. But I was the one who felt unwanted and unloved because no one had time for me. So I lived my own life and drifted away from the family. Then when my parents died, and especially after my mother's death, I realised what I had never had and was consumed with grief. I would never be 'mothered'.

You have a great deal of insight about your parents feelings and I applaud that. It's always great to understand how the other person feels. But it is a two-way street. No matter how much more of a problem your sister represents, you are still in need of 'mothering'.

I'm out of words.

Mary

[Desperately_seeking_Susan]

I concur.

A lot of insight from Polka Dots - yeah, I am a middle child but I was never the golden one.

My mother sewed my underwear and cossies whilst my older and younger sisters got brand new stuff - HOW EMBARRASSING!

I am a mum now - it is a hard job. I think my parents (who are now divorced) are weirdo's, and you know what, my son thinks I am weird.

That doesn't really give hope necessarily but I reckon try to relax, and follow your heart and tell your parents that you are in the process of self-actualizing and you'll let them know when you're done???