Just need a safe place to talk

[QWERTY27]

Hi there,

I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for years. I go through cycles of deep depression every few years but I haven’t had one this bad since I was a teenager. I’m now in my 30s in a long term relationship and we share a child together.

Last week I had a car accident. It wasn’t my fault, my car was written off but I’m fine. I just keep wishing though that the accident killed me. I’m not suicidal though, I don’t want to take my life. I couldn’t think about doing that to my child or family. but I wish the accident just did me the favour.
I know I should see it as a reason it didn’t, but every corner I take it’s just another blow. Life’s already down and it just keeps kicking me while I’m on the ground.

I’m generally a positive person, I always try and think positively and I still try to find the positive in things but this deep cycle is making it tough to find the positive.

my parents know about my depression, they suffer from it too. I’m adopted so it’s not genetic, but I know I can chat with them whenever. They have just taken off on a holiday for 2 months but keep telling me they will fly home for me if I need them. They deserve this holiday so much, so I don’t want to worry them.
many partner is great, but he doesn’t understand what I go through. I haven’t had a bad cycle in the 7 years we’ve been together. I find it hard to bring it up and talk with him about it because he feels like he needs to try and fix it, but He can’t quite understand that it’s not a quick instant fix.

How do you guys talk about it with your significant others? I want to tell him what I just said about the accident but I don’t want him to freak out and think he’s got to be on suicide watch. He gets so protective and worried.
I know I’ll get through this cycle. I always do. But it’s just managing this cycle with a family is tough.

[Sophie_M]

Hey QWERTY27,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your journey with us. 

We're sorry to hear you've been feeling overwhelmed with depressive thoughts and feelings. We can hear how emotionally exhausted you feel. We acknowledge how tricky it can be to open up about thoughts such as this to family and the possibility their reaction may have a further toll on your mental health. However, we feel it's important to let your family and partner know you've been having these thoughts. You might also like to share that you're worried about their reaction and that you feel confident to move through this depressive episode? We're really glad you've been able to reach out tonight Qwerty27. Hopefully, some of our community members will be by shortly to offer their thoughts and advice. 

Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

 

[TheWookie]

Hi QWERTY.
I am glad you are alive. And when it comes to talking to people/partners about it, I believe in being open about everything.

[QWERTY27]

I just don’t know how to start the discussion...

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

HI there

It's tricky, hey? How would you feel about writing it down and sharing it? Would that make it easier?

I do feel it's important to share with someone. Do you have anyone that you talk to? The phone lines that Sophie mentioned are a really great place to start. And good on your for coming here. You're always welcome to chat more here.

[Oddities]

Hi mate,

Reading your post really struck a chord with me and I want to thank you for being brave enough to tell your story.

I'm also now in my 30s, have a loving partner and a perfect son. I have also found my anxiety kicks into overdrive every few years or so and find it almost inconceivable that it was only a few short months ago I was thinking about weining off my medication.

With my old job I found myself driving from town to town and had tines where I thought that freedom of the horrible feelings was only a twitch of the steering wheel away. I then thought about all the people who love me and care for me and the thought of hurting them made my depression and anxiety feel small and insignificant.

Your description of your partner again, rings home for me in the sense that if my partner is upset of down, I can not handle the idea that I can't help her. Might I suggest something? If you love your partner, dig deep, and have the talk with him. Ask him to remain calm and try and understand and see this from your eyes. You will, and I guarantee it, you will feel better once you've opened up, shed a tear with him and allowed him to support you and be your point of safety.

Take care and know Im always here if you need to chat.