Jealousy and anxiety

[sparrowhawk]

Hi everyone. I have come to realise that I'm really struggling with jealousy. 

I had a major life change back in April last year - I lived in a religious community for seven years and left (so left relationships, job, home, etc). I've come back to live with my parents and youngest sister - throughout those years I had little contact with them. 

It's been very difficult being back as I'm feeling a lot of jealousy and even rejection. I've experienced a lot of rejection in my life and have rarely had truly mutual relationships - a lot of people have taken advantage of me or used me. I felt a lot of rejection in the community. I came into the environment hoping it would be like family, which it should have been, but there were serious power imbalances and I didn't really have any mutual relationships within the community itself, so I often felt quite isolated. The closest relationships I had were with people who had authority over me and who abused their authority.

I feel jealous seeing how close my sisters have become (talking every day on the phone, deep common interests, etc). I feel jealous at work when other team members have deep chats or do things without me, or seeing how light-hearted my boss is with other team members and how serious she can be with me (I have only been working there for four months, so know I can't expect to be integrated straight away). All of this makes me anxious, because I start telling myself that there's something wrong with me or that I'm never going to be good enough/never fit in.

I hate feeling this way, as I really don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be resentful. I try and tell myself I'm happy my sisters are close, and I am. I have told them I struggle with jealousy (though I think it's hard for my family to really understand what went on in the community and what I'm dealing with now I've left) and one of them mentioned I'm too nice, that I shouldn't compare my relationships and try and forge my own. 

I'd really love advice if anyone has it!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I kind of know how your sister feel as I have a close relative that joined a religious cult at 12yo and is still in it at 39yo. She is estranged from our family altogether. I know for example the grief and hurt/rejection we all felt when on numerous occasions we tried to keep any family ties with her continuing. In fact in her case (which could be a little different to yours) she embraced her congregation as "family" and us as "less a family", even to the point of naming her leading pastor and his wife as "mum and dad" which is understandably an insult to her real ones.

So from the others side your jealousy could be seen as "self inflicted". This is sad for you but over time when you occasionally express sadness for how they had to endure their loss of their sister/relative, then you'll eventually get them back. I'd also add that comments they spell out that you wont go back could defuse any fears they have of you leaving again.

Such an approach of thinking of the other person takes practice and consistency but will be rewarded with love and care. One day maybe 10-20 years it will all be a distant memory. Prove to them that you are reliable, honest, loving, supportive and care for them and you'll eventually join the fold.

I wish you luck. You sound like a caring person that deserves your family.

TonyWK

[Mark Z.]

Hi sparrowhawk,

Thank you for sharing your story, I can tell it must be very frustrating.

I think it is a right decision to leave the community and come back home, if it's abusive to you. From your description I feel that the atmosphere at home is more or less fine. You can share your thoughts to your family open and friendly, and they can share their advice as well, which is good. You might just need more time to integrate and adapt, as you've left home for a long time.

Regarding your workplace, I'm not very sure. Do you want to share more information, like, do you think you have fully mastered the role? When you say your boss is serious to you what is her behaviour in particular? Do you have any colleagues who get along well with you and can give some advice?

Hope everything will be better.

Mark

[therising]

Hi sparrowhawk

What a massive change in lifestyle. I imagine there are so many challenges involved in returning, some obvious and some not so obvious right now. When it comes to greater self understanding, I find there are always new challenges to face and new revelations that lead me to understand myself so much better over time.

With returning or re-turning (turning to something again) there can be so many challenges. We can re-turn to find a whole new set of emotions in us, re-turn to find a higher level of challenge that holds the potential to provide some form of growth, re-turn to some of the things that led us to leave in the first place which finally need addressing and so much more. Btw, I'm glad you left the place that was leading you to so much pain. Glad you followed your heart.

Wondering if you can rename 'jealousy'. This way you might be able to change the feel of what you're sensing in yourself. Every emotion has a different kind of energy or feel to it. Frustration has a certain energy or feel to it, as does a deep soulful sense of sadness. Joy has a specific energetic feel, just like pure inspiration which has quite a charge to it. Jealousy could be renamed to 'longing'. So you could say 'I feel a sense of longing'. Btw, with resentment, the longing is re-sent over and over, felt over and over. I find resentment to feel like a form of torture. 'I recognise this longing as...'. Fill in the blank. A longing is something that makes you more conscious. In the way of becoming more conscious, the questions can become 'How do I manage this longing? What does it feel like, exactly? Do I feel it in my chest? Is it heartfelt? What is it asking me to do? What is it asking me to see that I'm currently unable to recognise? What direction is it asking me to take' and the list of questions goes on, when it comes to creating the difference you long for.

I've found while jealousy has quite a horrible or ego based feel to it, a sense of longing has a far more soulful feel. It's also a telling feeling. A deep longing will often tell me a little about who I am. If I am someone who longs for a soulful kind of love, this makes me a soulful and loving person. If I'm someone who longs for some philosophical interaction, this makes me a philosopher. What does this longing tell you about your self, sparrowhawk?

[sparrowhawk]

Hi Tony, 

Thank you for your reply. I'm sure the experience with your relative is a difficult one. One challenge of the community I joined was the separation from family. Almost all meet-ups were "arranged" - as in my family needed to call ahead and schedule ahead of time. There were several years where we could only contact each other once a month. I always tried my best to assure my family how much they meant to me, but I know it hurt them not having the freedom of contact. Thank you so much for your kind words. 

[sparrowhawk]

Hi Mark, 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. The situation I was in was very demoralising at times and I realise in retrospect that a lot of things I experienced were inappropriate and emotionally manipulative. I developed an eating disorder during my time in the community, and am now working on recovery from that. While my parents are incredibly supportive and kind, the challenges of my eating disorder sometimes create tension. It was also very hard at first as I had lived away from home for years, and did things my own way, so coming back to my family home with my parents still seeing me as somewhat of a child was tough.

With work, I have received very good feedback from my boss and feel like I'm integrating well into the team. There are some colleagues with whom I'm closer and others not as much, which I guess is normal. My boss won't really engage in casual conversation with me much at all - we've only really had one casual chat and that was mainly her talking about her hobbies. I find it much easier to listen to others rather than talk about myself, largely because of my anxiety, so I didn't find this an issue. She is friendly and I feel like she wants me around, so perhaps it's just a matter of time.

[sparrowhawk]

Hi therising, 

Thank you so much for your reply, which moved me so deeply. It's been an incredible change. Feels like my life has really turned upside down in many ways. And as much work as we can do on ourselves, it can feel like we only scratch the surface. 

I've been doing a lot of returning and re-turning, largely through seeing a psychologist who is helping me work through what happened to me in the community and to recognise and name the experiences and behaviours of others as manipulative and abusive. 

I really appreciate your insights on jealousy. I feel longing does really fit more with me - as I long for connection that's mutual. I've rarely had that, and I yearn for it. I long for someone who'll willingly share with me because they trust me. Even now, with my sisters, I want to be close to them but much of the time the sharing or vulnerability has been one-sided (me sharing, them giving advice). My youngest sister, who lives with me, is quite insightful and opinionated, but also quite reserved about her own circumstances. I know she's struggling with certain things, and I want to help, but she doesn't freely open up (when she does talk it's a big deal) and is quite reactive - she'll leave a situation when she's upset instead of talking about it. I'm trying harder to give her space and it really has helped, but it does go against my instincts to try hard to make things right as soon as I can. I definitely don't want to force her to share and I really respect her, but it's been very hard to feel that mutuality. And then I see how my sisters interact with each other, and I can see they have that sort of relationship I'm longing for. 

I think after years of feeling inadequate and like a disappointment, I just long for someone who will make me feel a little less like that. At the same time, I don't want to rely on a person to make me feel better about myself - a lot of work has to be done by me.