Ive been struggling with anxiety and depression from as young as 14

[Jaco25]

 Ive been struggling with anxiety and depression from as young as 14. My mum and bro also suffer from this. Ive been councelling and on high medication for the last 7 years. At times my mental issues have been managed but ive never been 100% happy In life and i dont think i ever will be.
 
I have alot of self consious issues and self esteem & trust issues originally why i went and got assessed when i was 14. I was a big girl in the past size 16 but a size 10. Ive always seen myself as big and still do. I used to starve myself, or when i ate make myself sick. Things with that have got a little better but still need working on but my concerns are: 
 
I constantly worry about things way too much & am thinking non stop til i work myself up & i cant control it. It wont go away. Everything people say to me i dont believe as i have a mind of my own & if i dont think what they have said i dont believe it.
 
I wake up with anxiety every day and lately since my work dropping my days and treating me like they have ive gone down hill more. Ive been in and out of hospital since due to having thoughts and attempting, and im starting back up to see a physiologist but im scared of being judged that maybe my problems are nothing or not as bad as others but i know to me this is like the end of the world to me. I feel so useless, worthless, lost and alone i dont see a point in living id rather not deal with this.
 
My relationship is also getting affected by all this because im so insecure with myself & have trust issues i dont believe a word my partner says. I dont think i deserve to be happy or have someone like him so it makes me think his lying to me about every nice thing he says eg: he says im not fat, im amazing, im sexy but i dont believe a word cause i dont think that of myself so why would anyone else. He has stood by me the whole way, supported me, understood me but i just keep pushing him and everyone else away cause i feel like a burden and like i shouldn't put my problems on others. I dont wanna loose him but if i keep all this up I might. I need help please anxiety is ruining my life and my relationship. I dont know what to do. 

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[Neil_1]

Hi there jaco

Welcome to Beyond Blue & thank you so much for coming here & providing your post.

Your journey sounds like it’s been a massive struggle & for a very long time as well.

Ok, I’m just running through some checks with you:   you’ve mentioned you’ve been having counselling for the last 7 years – I’m guessing that would be a kind of on again/off again arrangement?   Do you feel as though you & your counsellor have a good repour & that you are able to make progress?    I hope so.

Also for those last 7 years, you’ve been on high medication – is this still the case?   When was your latest review of your meds?   If it was sometime ago, then that might be something very worthwhile to consider??

That’s awesome to read about your weight loss that you’ve achieved & that you continue to work on that – is that something that you & your counsellor have spoken about?  And is that who is helping you with this?

With regard to your self-esteem & also for the thought that you still consider yourself big – I’m not sure if you still have clothes from previously, but just a thought I’ve had would be to get out the clothes that you used to wear;  & place them beside the ones you now wear – as a size 10, that is close to being tiny (in my books), so I hope you can see the progress you’ve made & that you should actually feel VERY proud of yourself & that you can see it clearly by the change of size of clothes.

Psych’s don’t judge in their line of work – if they did, they would soon find that they wouldn’t have many people going to see them;  so I hope you can feel a bit more reassured that no judging is done on their behalf, & that’s the same as being on this site – people are able to open up & unload about anything & what they’ll get in return is compassion, advice, possible guidance & overall, 100% support.

Your relationship is affected because of your low self-esteem.  I believe your partner when he says what he says – because if he didn’t, then he simply wouldn’t say such things – & he IS your partner for several reasons, no doubt & some of those would be that he considers you sexy & amazing & that you ARE worthwhile, intelligent & a truly wonderful person to be with.  Otherwise, why is he with you?   May I ask, why are you with him?

I’ve gotta go, cause I’m outta my word limit, did want to write more; but …

I do hope to hear back from you.

Neil

[Jaco25]

Hi Neil,  thanks for getting back to me and sorry its took me this long. I havent been too good the last few days with my moods being up and down and just not coping day to day i ended up in emergency a few days ago due to serious thoughts i was having and some self harm 😞  I never know how im gunna wake up in the morning good or bad but today is a bad day. I have the worst anxiety but i dont know why.

 Yes i have been going to a councellor on and off throughout the 7yrs but never stuck with them nor find them useful. But maybe this time i might now that i have come to terms that i need help back then i hadnt admitted. 

 I started off on  medication and they have changed it since it was not working.

Yes i have spoken to previous councellors about my weight in the past but they never really focused on that but to be honest my insecurities and self esteem is the big problem here everything comes back on how i feel within myself and if i feel i am good enough or not. I went through a break up 3 years ago now which that then helped me to loose the weight i figured i was back on the market i had to impress no one would want a hippo. Now i am with a personal trainer which helps as he trains me but sometimes i feel as though i have to be super fit cause of my partner tho thats not the case he is super supportive with everything but its my thinking. 

I was meant to go to my first physcoligist with this new place that the hospital organised but the day i was meant to i had a massive panic attack just from the thought of going there i know to get help i need to but my head is taking over my life and thinking. 

My relo has taken a toll through all this and he wants to support me and help where he can and i doo love him so much and he does make me happy but i just feel horrible being in my moods and bringing him down and putting him through it all so i push him away so i feel less guilty but that's not what i want. I just dont know what to do 😞 i would be lost without him

Jaclyn

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Jaclyn

Great to hear back from you.

I’m sorry that the day you posted your latest response, that you were having not such a good day – it’s never good is it;  we wake and think, “bloody hell, here we go again”.  I hope your experience in the Emergency Dept was an ok one for you and that they were able to help you.

Hey my girl, you must be doing something right – as it now appears that the bait you’re using is indeed high quality stuff;   because you’ve landed yourself another man, so well done on that.  🙂

Ok, so when it’s time to have your next psych appointment, take careful not of the time of it, make an alarm go off in PLENTY of time leading up to it, so you can prepare yourself to get ready and to get there in plenty of time.  So there’s no rush, everything is done calmly and comfortably – and beforehand, write down all your thoughts and your thinking – so you can discuss these issues with your psych.  Hoping then to get some control back, so you’re living YOUR life and it’s not your anxiety that over-ruling everything. 

I also hope the change in meds kicks in for you soon to be a positive effect for you.

Oh boy, I was able to provide suggestions all the way through to you, till that last para you wrote – cause I feel I struggle with this one with my partner also.  Trying to unload or talk at home and you feel like you’re bringing them down – tough times with that, I think.

Glad you wrote back.

Neil