It's never too late to keep trying. Hi, I'm new here 😀

[Tails77]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure where to start, this is my first time posting, though I've been reading posts here for a long time.

I've struggled/dealt with anxiety and depression on and off since I was a teenager. I'm now 40. My current bout started 3 months ago and has hit me particularly hard. I've seen psychologists over the years but haven't found that overly helpful. However I started seeing one last year a few times, and have seen her twice this year, and feel it will hopefully help this time. I've been on ADs on and off since I was 18yrs but don't feel they've helped much either, am off to my first psychiatrist appointment later this week.

My bouts used to be triggered by 'significant' stressful events like relationship breakdowns, last about 6 mths and not return for 2-3yrs. But I've now had 2 bouts in the last 2 years and am scared they're becoming more frequent. I'm petrified that I've wasted my life struggling with this condition and it now might be too late. I'm 40, single and no children, I would dearly love to have children.

Ive tried exercise, diet, meditation, AD's, counselling and nothing has made a significant improvement. I'm scared that this is just the way I am and that it will be an ongoing struggle. I'm not too sure how many times I can keep going on this journey.

Any support to keep trying would be appreciated. Thank you so much in advance.

Gina

[Emmy.]

Hi Gina,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum. It’s great that you’ve reached out on her for some support.

Sorry to read that your latest bout of depression has hit you hard. I’m glad you’re seeing a new psychologist and feeling hopeful. Personally I got to a stage in my journey where I wasn’t making any progress with my psychologist and I got referred to a psychiatrist. It has been great. So I’m glad your scheduled to see someone this week. At first I was very nervous but he honestly has been a god send. I’d learnt more about myself in 3 sessions than I had in 3 years with my psychologist. Not to say psychologists aren’t great - because they are. But personally I felt she could only get me so far. He’s taught me more about myself, thoroughly reviewed my medication and MI. My psychologist had diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder...but the psychiatrist diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder. It’s not about labels but it’s helps me understand myself and hopefully get better.

Sorry I’m not trying to make it about me - feels like I’m just talking about myself. Guess what I’m trying to say is there is hope for you hun. Hold onto hope. A psychiatrist can give you more informed information about your MI (as they’re more educated and have had a lot more experience with a wide range of patients). My psychiatrist now instructs my psychologist what to work on with me.

You mentioned that you’d love to have children. 40 is still young, you have time. I know this is a very personal question but have you looked into options about having children. And please don’t think you’ve wasted your life because of your anxiety and depression. You should be so proud that you’ve been proactive in looking after yourself. Exercising, diet, meditation etc.

You mentioned that your depression is triggered by significant events. Did something occur 3 months ago?

Here for you Gina with any support I can offer. Emmy x

[Tails77]

Hi Emmy,

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate hearing about your experience with psychologist and your psychiatrist too, it's so nice to know I'm not the only one who's faced/facing this battle.

I have thought about having a child by myself many times but have sort of resolved not to. I'm not sure how I'd go by myself so feel if I was ever to do it, it would be with someone else.

I feel it was a very heavy workload and stress at work that triggered the anxiety and depression this time. So a few weeks ago I requested a demotion and I thought that would fix the daily morning anxiety attacks at least, but it hasn't stopped them. They are a bit better, though I still tremble all most all day, every day, feel panicked, heart palpitations etc. And once they start the depression soon follows. It's just hard going through this cycle so often. There are times I feel I can't keep struggling. But we all have something to deal with don't we.

Thank you so much Emmy for your reply, it's so nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you so so much.

Gina x

[Chloe_M]

Hi Gina

i see that Emmy welcomed you already but I'm going to say it again. Welcome! 😊

I have undiagnosed anxiety and most likely depression. My depression is triggered mostly by something that reminds me of the break up I went though last year. My anxiety is always there but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I'm going to my first ever psych appointment tomorrow at Headspace (yeah I'm still a baby lol). I have been dealing with the depression side of things for about 6 months, whereas I have been struggling with anxiety for about 5 years now. Only recently has it become constant, but when I was younger it only occured in stressful situations (it was very bad though, worse than most other people's).

I agree with Emmy; hold onto hope. Don't let go, otherwise everything will come crashing down. Hope is what keeps us alive.

hope you have a peaceful night x

chloe

[quirkywords]

Gina,

I too welcome you to the forum.

Emmy has written a helpful reply so I won't repeat what she wrote. I have just seen that Chloe has written a supportive response too.

I think your title of the thread says it all, you are going to keep trying.

Quirky

Your post is well written.Do you keep a journal of your thoughts so you can maybe see a pattern in your behaviour.?

Your are not alone as you can see by this thread. Sometimes it takes time to work out what works for some people as we are all different and experience depression and anxiety in different ways.

[Tails77]

Hi Chloe,

So nice to meet you and thanks for the warm welcome 😀

Im so sorry you're going through this at a young age, I'm so glad you have a psych appointment tomorrow though, crossing fingers it helps you.

Thank you, I will hold on to hope and please you do too x

[blondguy]

Hi Tails77

Welcome and thankyou for being a part of the Beyond Blue forums too 🙂

I understand where you are coming from as I used to have chronic anxiety which was then followed by clinical depression since 1983 when I was 23. This is my 22nd year on low dose AD's and they do provide a solid foundation on which we can heal combined with frequent therapy and all the various coping mechanisms too

Its great to have you on the forums Tails 🙂

I hope you can stick around!

Paul

[Emmy.]

Hi Gina,

Great to hear back from you!

Completely understand about not wanting to have a child alone, it’s a lot of work. I wouldn’t be able to do it alone either. Nice to have a partner there for that support. Just wanted to ask in case it was something you were considering. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have a child too. It’s hard when I see all your friends having kids. Feels like you’re missing out hey.

I’m glad you’ve been able to take a demotion at work to try and cut back on your work load. Is your workplace supporting you at the moment? I wonder if a little morning routine might help. Have a yummy breakfast to nourish your body. Be mindful when you eat the food. Have a shower and wash away any worries. Do you drive to work or catch public transport? Perhaps some nice calming music on the way in. Or a phone call to a friend or family member.

Yeah we all have our own journeys with our mental illnesses but that doesn’t lessen what you’re going through at all hun. That you’re struggling. Reach out and ask for help. There is no shame. And please be gentle on yourself. Keep talking with us. Emmy x

[Chloe_M]

Haha you're welcome!

yeah it sucks I have a lot to deal with but I'm going to deal with it.

I will hold onto hope too 🙂

hope you have a nice day

chloe x

[Tails77]

Hi Quirky and Paul,

Thank you both so much for replying. I don't keep a regular journal, so that's something I can try. I occasionally jot thoughts down that are really negative and repetitive to try and counter them with more constructive, 'realistic' thoughts, but I don't do it regularly. I'll try to get into a pattern of doing that.

It does take time doesn't it. I'm up to 22 yrs now and the bout are becoming more regular. 'Bad nerves' are in my family so I think I have a predisposition to these issues. I feel like there's a switch somewhere in my brain that needs flicking, a few circuits out of whack that I can't get to. One day they'll be able to fix these things, for now I'll just keep searching for what helps.

Thank you for your kind replies, I really appreciate it 😀