Intrusive thoughts

Elizabeth90 · ‎15-01-2015

Hi there, I, like many of you on this site, suffer from the dreaded intrusive thoughts brought about by OCD. I am in my mid-twenties and only since the last year, I have experienced the onset of intrusive thoughts. As a kid, I can recall checking things constantly but then for most of my teenage years, experienced nothing and then, up until my new job (which I love), I started to analyse in my head over and over, these horrible intrusive thoughts about my loved ones and general 'strange' thoughts of things around me. I will keep this brief. At first, it was debilitating; I had panic attacks, I lost my appetite and I avoided certain environments that I used to enjoy. The physical affects were as bad as the psychological ones and at that point, I saw no way out. I began meditation, reading up on the condition and educating myself of the facts. What started to ease my anxiety was to discover that I wasn't alone and that intrusive thoughts are thoughts, not actions. It was the shame and guilt I felt over those thoughts, I would ask myself, 'what if they happened?', or 'am I a bad person?' but what I came to realise and read up on is to let them be just thoughts. Everyone has strange thoughts but from my understanding, people with intrusive thoughts get them 'stuck' in their mind through repetition and worry. Another comforting thing that I read which I hope helps all of you out there too is that no, you aren't crazy or a potential 'serial killer' because the fact that you feel so guilty and sick over the thought means you are a good person who would never carry out the horrible thoughts in your head. I will admit, I am not 'cured' and mine does come in bouts where I go for days, even weeks where I think, 'finally, it's gone' but then unexpectedly, it can return. Luckily for me, and not involving any medication, what really helped me overcome the worst part of my intrusive thoughts was opening up to my partner. Trust me, I was so worried about doing this at first, especially because some of the horrible thoughts involved them and I was so worried about losing them that I battled for months but I recently opened up and I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and understanding partner as well as pleasing outcome. I won't lie to you or to myself, they aren't completely gone and as I said, they can return in 'bouts' but the important thing to remember is that they are only thoughts. Everyone has weird thoughts...and I mean EVERYONE. You will get through this.

geoff · ‎16-01-2015

dear Elizabeth, firstly thanks for coming to the site, but I also want to thank you for being so honest on such a delicate and confronting topic.

There has been a fair amount of discussion on these 'intrusive thoughts', which I have been involved in, as I've had OCD for 54/55 years being at the age of 60.

If you want to you can type intrusive thoughts in the search bar and see what comes up, I haven't actually done it myself, but the stories there may also describe what has happened to other people.

By having OCD is certainly an awful illness as it does control our thoughts and movements, but then to add to this these thoughts can be quite horrifying.

In one post I explain that I wanted to hurt my Mum, who I loved so much, and couldn't understand why, but it was when she was put into a nursing home that these thoughts stopped.

It is explained in more detail, but if you can't find it then I will continue on.

What you have said may ease the minds of people having these thoughts, but it does take great strength to overcome these, so you have done really well.

I hope that other people also chip in, and please let's continue, if you want to, about OCD. L Geoff.x

Elizabeth90 · ‎16-01-2015

Hi Geoff, thanks for your response. I appreciate you sharing your experience with everyone also as it helps everyone in not feeling so alone and helpless and I always found myself feeling. The important thing is to get it out there and take comfort in knowing that we aren't alone and that we aren't 'bad people'. I have searched many personal stories and again, thank you for yours. I truly think that in time, these thoughts are able to go back to what they used to be, which are simply thoughts. I can only speak for myself and I do stress the fact that it's not just a simple 'off' switch that ensures it leaves, as you would know yourself, but that it is a journey of acceptance and recognising that everyone has strange thoughts and these thoughts should always only be treated as just that. Take care of yourself and to all, you are not alone.

Neil_1 · ‎16-01-2015

Hi Elizabeth

Thank you for coming here to share your post.

It’s a difficult subject to try to cope with; and you’ve done a great job in being able to break it down. Knowledge, understanding and support (especially from your partner) have led you to a much better place and that is so awesome that you’ve shared this.

Reading posts like this are great for so many of us – to read through something that affects many of us and to hear of others who have battled, dealt with and had success in their journey. It’s great stuff, so thank you again Elizabeth.

Kind regards

Neil

Elizabeth90 · ‎16-01-2015

Hi Neil,

Thank you for your supportive and encouraging words. That's just it, talking about it with understanding and compassionate people really makes a difference. I am so glad to have finally shared my story here and I truly hope my small post goes a long way to help others realise that despite how dark some days will be, there will always be light, regardless of how hard it might be to see at first. We've all been there and we will all get through it, as long as there is support and understanding, there is hope.

Elizabeth 🙂

Elizabeth90 · ‎16-03-2015

Hi all,

It's been a while since I visited this forum and felt the need to return. As you would all know as fellow suffers of OCD and intrusive thoughts, there are days where you feel they are gone and then bam, they return out of nowhere. Now in my first post, I mentioned how telling my partner really did help me out. Now, and typical of someone who suffers from OCD and intrusive thoughts, I feel as though I am compelled to reveal every minute detail of every terrible thought--even though I tell myself and am aware that these thoughts are irrational and so far from the truth. It is a terrible feeling, thinking it's gone only for it to come back and think of new ways to scare you. Once one thought subsides, it's like another one is introduced and the cycle continues once again. An interesting way of looking at it though from my perspective is through timelining my journey, which is quite easy for me as these intrusive thoughts only come about last year. As a young child, I do recall having the usual symptoms of OCD--the physical aspect of checking light switches and locking doors and then throughout teenagehood, it was still present but included other things too like triple-checking that my hair staightener was turned off (a habit I still have!) but up until a few years ago (perhaps three), the strange and disturbing thoughts entered my head but funnily enough, they didn't get 'stuck', they were just dismissed as strange thoughts...a phenomenon that everyone, OCD or no OCD, comes across in their life. That period of my life interests me as it was only until last year that the thoughts decided to get 'stuck' and 'repeated.' I am no psychologist so I have no definitive answer for why but I do know myself and to believe these things just 'occur' is somewhat inaccurate because my OCD was always there--it just changed and progressed over time. I have reached a point now at 25 and I think to myself, 'I am here now, with full awareness of my thoughts but I think the only way is up from here.' I feel this way as I now know not to look in to them as sick desires. They are just thoughts. This time last year I wouldn't have been able to calm myself down with this realisation, I would have had a panic attack and skip meals. Now, look at me...aware and stronger than yesterday. If all of us adopt this mindset, it might just help us. This has worked for me and although it is so debilitating to be fine for a week and then have a 'bout' just remember that it will pass.

OCD28 · ‎22-03-2015

Hello all,

I just wanted to share a bit of my story in the hope that it will help ease some peoples worries.

I've had OCD since I was a very small child, and would go to bed sick with worry every night worrying something would happen to my beloved pets.

As a young adult I would have seemed outwardly successful, high achieving at uni and a stable home life with my boyfriend. But then the intrusive thoughts came back, and again I found it hard to function (they were about hurting my boyfriend).

My then boyfriend was fantastic, took me to GP and psychology appointments and was supportive of my recovery, but never quite 'got it' but I guess if you haven't experienced it it would be pretty hard to understand.

When my psychologist told me I had textbook OCD, you couldn't imagine my relief. I thought I was destined to be a messed up serial killer... You know the type of thoughts! I was treated with ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy).

I think what helped me the most was the diagnosis. My compulsions were just repeated sayings in my head, and then checking behaviour if things got to a 'bad' point. They weren't the big problem in my case, it was the obsessions that I really struggled with.

A few points that helped me were

- It's a nurturing instinct on overdrive. Your mind conjures up the worst thing it can so you can prevent it from happening. But with OCD sufferers it takes on a new and distressing form and gets stuck. So these thoughts don't mean you're 'evil', quite the opposite actually.

- I found treating my thoughts like a bully helped. So when one pops in I acknowledge it sarcastically like 'thanks for that thought, brain... You jerk' and then let it go, like dismissing an unhelpful comment from someone you don't particularly care for... Haha. I feel this takes some of the power away from it and also it's good to acknowledge the thought rather than smother it with compulsions.

I still struggle with intrusive thoughts. I'm 28 now and it will be something that is with me for ever, and I do worry about having children / pets / significant others. I feel like it will be a life long process of accepting these thoughts. A community like this is so important for being reminded every now and then that you're not a bad person and that everything will be ok.

Everything will be OK.

Mel... · ‎22-03-2015

Hi All,

Thank you for your post Elizabeth90. I just signed into the forum because my anxiety and intrusive thoughts are through the roof today and I find it helps to know other people might be experiencing the same.

I'm not sure what happens.. One week I'm fine and the next I'm convinced I should be in a mental institution. I have an intrusive thought which triggers my anxiety which triggers more intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I'm so stuck in my head that I'm not actually functioning in real life.

I've had a rough week, I lost my job and I worry constantly that I won't live a meaningful life, that what I'm studying might not ever suffice.

I'm tired of having to argue with my brain. I'm on medication for my OCD, it has just been increased but I think I'm experiencing some side affects but then again, who knows? The side effects and the same as the symptoms of anxiety, it's like what came first, the chicken or the egg? I could be tired, hungry, need to go to the bathroom or sick - the list of things I have to go through when the anxiety kicks in. It's exhausting.

My heart is racing as I type this. I know it will pass eventually but what about when it comes back? I live in constant fear of its return, days like today.

Elizabeth90 · ‎23-03-2015

Hi all,

Thank you OCD28 for your response, hearing accounts such as yours really help out others in the same boat. I love your strategy on calling the brain a 'jerk' when the intrusive thoughts arrive...I'm officially using this as of now!

Mel, I can see that you are in quite a distressing state and can I just say you've done a wonderful thing coming here and opening up to everyone. It is such a confusing way to be, isn't it? One day you feel it's gone and then the other, you can hardly breathe. I don't know exactly how frequent you experience these thoughts or to what extent but if you would like some advice that really worked for me, I'd be happy to share. Feel free to scroll up and read my original post too but I will reiterate my advice again here for you. If you haven't already, open up to someone who cares and loves you. I held it off for almost six months but then when I finally did it and i was understood, not judged, it made a world of difference. It may seem unbelieveable and simplistic but it truly did change the way I coped with my thoughts. They aren't gone for good but they aren't as bad as they once were.

None of you are alone as long as we come to places like this and share each other's experience, we can get through this.

Remember, your thoughts are not some sick, disturbing actions that you will lash out with and act out. It took me a long time to realise this but you are not your thoughts. The fact you feel guilt over them proves that you're a good person with a conscience, does it not?

We will be okay. Always here if you need to talk.

Peace and love

Beeme74 · ‎24-03-2015

Hi everyone

it is great to see a post like this as often intrusive thoughts aren't discussed much. I suffered for three years until I had a mental breakdown and was hospitalised. I was pregnant with me second child and was convinced they would take my children from me if I told them my thoughts. It took two years of therapy before I could disclose the thoughts to my Dr. I was also terrified that I might not be able to control the thoughts and one day my mind would snap and act them out. Of course this was before my psych explained what was happening. My worst fears was my children would die or be sexual abused so you can imagine the thoughts I had!

I still take medication and will probably do so for the rest of my life but my children are 16 and 12 now so I can tell you it is possible to come out the other side. I work four days a week in a pretty hectic job and each year I get better at managing my OCD.

i hope this gives you some hope, and I am more than happy to answer any questions regarding my journey and what has worked for me.

this is one aspect of OCD that not many people know about ..... So happy to help in any way I can

Beeme xxxx