intrusive thoughts and severe anxiety

[katiebkn]

Hi there I'm new to this forum. So I'm having a terrible time with panic and anxiety and also depression now.. If I'm not anxious then all i want to do is cry. A few years back I suffered sever anxiety and panic attacks and my partner had to force me to eat and look after my children because I was just not coping. I don't really know how the panic attack started but over time it started to get more frequent and if I wasn't having an attack it was constant anxiety. One day I don't know how or when or why it started.. I started having what I was told intrusive thoughts.. I started avoiding things and all I seemed to do was go over and over in my head and try to convince myself otherwise. So anyway I managed after a long dark road to get better and those thoughts came less and less. . so about 4 weeks ago it all started again talking about someone else's struggles and also watching a documentary on something scared me and bought on a massive panic attack. Since that day the intrusive thoughts have come back and I am now questioning everything! I have had a lot of stress over the past year and half but surprisingly I haven't dealt with much anxiety and no intrusive thoughts. I've been really strong and felt great back to my normal body weight after losing so much weight due to stress. .I felt like an anti anxiety medication has worked wonders... but now it has all come back and I'm terrified... I don't have my partner home and I am on my own with kids.. I've been to get a mental health plan and have contacted a psychologist.. This has also freaked me out as I'm having doubts seeing him because he records all of his appointments... that has made me even more scared. So basically right now I'm living and breathing anxiety and intrusive thoughts and i can't seem to escape.. I don't want to do normal things like cook or clean and I just want to escape to my parents all the time because I'm terrified being alone. I have even turned to anxiety medication over the past week because I can't seem to kick it. The doctor has put my meds up but I'm only a few days in and they still have to go up in a few more days. Please help what if they aren't intrusive thoughts what if there is really something wrong with me it just makes me wanna die. But I don't want to die because I love my kids and family I just don't wanna feel like this anymore. I'm asking myself if they have come back then does that mean I am what my thoughts are.

[katiebkn]

Thanks for replying guys,

I'm going to see a psychologist on Friday.

Very nervous..

I hope they have enough experience in this

[katiebkn]

I feel like a sicko..

I just had my first counseling session.. was so scared to open up and I'm so worried for the next one to.

I keep asking is it anxiety or am I a really bad person. I started having bad anxiety when I had to open up about my intrusive thoughts. I don't feel like this will ever go