intrusive thoughts and images

[Bozo82]

Hi everyone. This is my first posting on this forum. I am trying to understand my state of mind these days. I have been reading about OCD and my behaviour certainly does seem to fit with the obsessional thinking that goes on with this condition. I experienced the exact  same symptoms/behaviour when I was 19 and had my first 'real' girlfriend. It was not a pleasant relationship. Anyway,  I am currently seeing a mental health professional as I experience intrusive images and thoughts when I am intimate with my current girlfriend. They were not present when we were first together (at this time I couldn't get enough of her, things were just bliss), it developed after a couple of months perhaps. I had an image of one of my male friends, and I have started catastrophizing the situation, calling myself gay and being extremely scared of becoming a homosexual (not that I am against homosexuality at all). Now the nonsense self-labeling and images tend to fill large parts of everyday, and they can be very aggressive. This has been going on a few months. Some days were/are very very tough. The funny thing is, I've been single the last four years, and never had these aggressive thoughts or images ever in that time (and during other periods of my life. I can't believe how unpleasant anxiety feels, and how it can make you doubt other things about yourself...Anyway, I'm interested if anybody else has had a similar experience? I have perused OCD literature and sexual obsessions seem to be somewhat common.

[Chris_B]

Hi Bozo,

It sounds like you would benefit from some counselling to help work through your anxiety and work out what these feelings mean.  

For a start, it's not surprising that you would feel extremely scared of being gay, even if your aren't - as a gay man myself, I know what it was like in the early stages of coming out, and even in this day and age, there are often few positive role models or imagery that would make us feel OK.  This is what beyondblue tackled with its "Left Hand" campaign; no-one would think twice about telling people they were left handed, but the fear of being labelled gay (or having a mental illness for that matter) is a very real one.

If it's a particular friend that you keep thinking about and not men generally, then it could simply be that there is something about that friendship that you miss in your life (if you're not still friends with this person). Perhaps there was a platonic intimacy and depth to the friendship that you weren't experiencing with your girlfriend.  We expect a lot from our relationships: sex, friendship, intimacy, companionship, understanding - and we can't always have everything we want all from the one person, 100% of the time.

Throw anxiety into the mix, and all your negative thoughts become magnified.

If you don't feel ready to seek counselling yet, give our support service a call on 1300 22 4636, or one of the LGBTI services in your state - there's a list of them on this page of our website -  http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/for-me/gay-lesbian-bi-trans-and-intersex-glbti-people/helpful-contacts-and-websites (please copy and paste the link).  Calling one of these services does not mean that you are gay, but sexuality is complex and the staff on these helplines should be able to help you put some of your feelings into perspective.

Hope this is helpful.

best
CB

_____________________________________________-
Online Community Manager

[hamishandme]

Hi there, I'm new here too and I hope I say the right things, apologies in advance, and please, moderators, feel free to edit. I went through something similar many years ago. I think this kind of thing can happen to absolutely anyone, LGTBI or straight. 

I had a breakdown and severe anxiety and OCD at the time. I was really worried about images of a particular friend coming up all the time, and fantasies etc. My psych said don't worry it was quite normal for someone in my situation (which I found comforting for a start cos I felt embarrassed LOL!). Over the next few weeks with my psych, I discovered that I was possibly fantasising about what that person SYMBOLISED to me - and not the actual person. My subconscious mind was telling me, so now you're in this very real relationship, but you really miss the glamour and excitement of before you settled down. Then I was able to work through it. I am still happily with my partner. And still friends with the other person. And neither of them will ever know. It was my poor tired brain trying to tell me something at the time. In its own scary little way.

I stress this is just an example from my own situation at that time - your own situation is truly unique and only your counsellor would be able to help you sort out the details. But sort it out you can, and I hope I can reassure you that it is not something to be scared of. It is a way of learning more about your self, so please don't worry.

[geoff]

dear Bozo, I had to home in on your post because OCD intrigues me only because I have had it for 54 years, old ah.

With OCD it's quite common to think of doing something nasty to a person that you really love or are attached to, but it's only a thought that goes through your mind, but you know that it won't happen, so that's why it's annoying. 

I used to think of doing something awful to my Mum, why I don't know, because I adored her to pieces, and would have protected her in any situation.

These thoughts never happen when have nothing that would enable us to think this way, so when you are by yourself with no girlfriend you won't have any aggressive thoughts.

I know it seems strange for those that don't have OCD, but then it's a illness that is so difficult for people to understand, so don't worry about them, as it still happens with me now. Geoff.

[Bozo82]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your reply. I have been reading about OCD and the syptoms seem so varied. Apart from thoughts of engaging in sexual acts with various colleagues/acquantances, I have also had the thought of harming my girlfriend. The distress these caused me (all the thoughts) was very extreme and led to more confusion and perhaps borderline depression. My therapist didn't think I had OCD, perhaps subclinical OCD, but I'm not sure she was quite on the money, especially because OCD is not her specialty. I am slowly learning about how to manage anxiety associated with these thoughts (I think). I was considering medication but am really unsure about this, it is a bit scary...

[Bozo82]

also thanks to Chris and to Hamishandme. It is great to hear peoples perspectives (aapart from my therapist) and get a sense that people are interested in these topics. It is certainly true that all my negative thoughts have become magnified. While the majority of them relate to sexuality, they have crept in to make me doubt whether my GF is faithful, whether I'm good enough for her given my thought process, and other general life problems etc. I definitely have considered accepting that I could be gay, but I know that females make me aroused, of this I am sure. The problem is anxiety can cast so much doubt...It has shattered my confidence the last couple of months, as it did when I was 19. When I was younger I never sought help, and I'm wondering how I ever got through it all back then. I have had the thought I should break up with my girlfriend (though I really don't want to) so these thoughts can go away and I can feel like me again. My therapist said that in the next relationship the same thoughts may recur anyways, which I tend to agree. Anyway, I don't want to ramble too much, thanks for the advice Chris

[geoff]

dear Bozo, I have just read my last reply to you and I have to explain what I actually meant 'I know it seems strange for those that don't have OCD, but then it's a illness that is so difficult for people to understand, so don't worry about them, as it still happens with me now'.

What I trying to say 'don't worry about them' was that I was referring to the thoughts that you were having.

I agree with you that your therapist 'isn't on the the ball', and even if she says you may have 'subclinical OCD, well doesn't that mean that you do have it.

Maybe these thoughts might not happen with anyone else, because these thoughts for me doing something awful on Mum didn't happen to anyone else.

I felt terrible about these thoughts because I really loved Mum, as she did with me and all my other siblings. Geoff.

[Bozo82]

Hi Geoff,

If you don't mind me asking, what sort of treatments have you tried for your OCD? And is there something that has really worked for you?

[adele6]

Hi Bozo82,

I was diagnosed with OCD a few years ago and have suffered from intrusive thoughts both sexual and violent. I have had a recurring and awful pattern of thoughts that I will harm myself, this has led me to feel that I cannot trust myself and a feeling like I am always at risk from myself! After seeing an anxiety specialist (in the public system) I was diagnosed with OCD which shocked me as I am not typically OCD that all the tv shows etc show. (I am messy and not overly concerned with germs! well a little bit I guess! 🙂 My intrusive thoughts are what categorise me as OCD and the best possible treatment is Cognitive behaviour therapy. Combined with medication, I improved significantly. I recommend going to see someone that specialises in anxiety disorders. I have noticed that the public system ( community mental health services run by the government) are really up to date with contemporary research and can help with intrusive thoughts significantly. from what you have said, I don't think the intrusive thoughts you have necessarily have any truth to them. They are just a product of our mind and giving extra power to thoughts that horrify us which then become obsessional thoughts. I have learnt that everyone experiences intrusive thoughts and most people are able to dismiss them with a quick ' that was a weird thought' and move on. However, those with OCD attach meaning to it and essentially freak themselves out. I still struggle but with CBT and medication, I am on the road to recovery. the mind is a powerful thing and those with good imaginations are often prone to OCD- Intrusive thoughts. I hope this has made sense. Please let me know if you want to talk further

[jess_b]

Hey adele6’s,

I know this was many years ago but I just came across your post and it resonates with me deeply!!
I am not your classic OCD like what I typically thought but there are many things that make me slightly on the spectrum but I have had intrusive thoughts of harming others and myself that terrified me so so much that I became anxious, down and scared of my own mind thinking why would I think that? What’s wrong? What’s happening? It gives me a lot of relief to know that this is OCD of obsessive thoughts and it is normal for this to happen!

I’m just curious to hear how you are coping these days and if you have found anything in particular that really helps!?

Thanks!