Insecurity making me fearful and severely anxious.

[So_alone]

I've been reading through the forums for the past few months on other people's emotional pain and suffering but felt too insignificant to join in and express my own. Hit rock bottom last night and had anxiety/panic throughout the night and dreading another episode tonight. I'm a 71 yr old female who spent a good part of my childhood in various orphanages in WA due to my mother's mental illness, she was unable to care for me or my other 3 siblings. After the Covid border closures and lockdowns in 2020, the trauma of my childhood resurfaced and i've been struggling with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks ever since. Feel like i'm re-living the emotions i felt when i was a child being ripped away from my mother without warning and locked away in orphanages indefinitely. I am trying so hard to get on top of this myself using different methods of relaxation, deep breathing, guided meditation vids but this only gives short term relief. It's like my nervous system has become over sensitized and i cant control the way i am feeling anymore. I feel trapped in a constant loop of horrible anxiety which has led to Agoraphobia, can't travel too far from home. Had 6 sessions with a CBT psychologist last year but the anxiety and panic still persisted. It's a very lonely life living with anxiety on a daily basis and would be comforting and reassuring to know if someone else on BB has experienced anything similar.

[mmMekitty]

Hello So Alone,

I want to welcome you to the forum. I'm 62, a bit female, I suppose, though in my own mind that doesn't matter. I & my sibs were taken by my father, & I hadn't seen my mother since I was 4yrs old. To this day I'm not sure how significant that was to my mental health now, since other events have a very real presence in my mind. I don't remember my mother at all.

I'm sorry you had to spend so much time in orphanages. Back then, when you were little, I understand they were horrific. I can only imagine, what you have lived.

Your emotional pain & suffering are by no means insignificant. What one feels is what one feels, & is no better or worse because it is what YOU feel. & YOU, yourself are an important & valuable person.

I'm glad you are continuing to use the meditation, relaxation & breathing techniques you have learned. For myself, I use music, or if only to distract myself from my feelings, I have audiobooks, too. When feelings felt out of control, (& they were about my past) I wrote a lot. I wrote every detail, & often that stopped the repetitive memories & feelings for the night.

I don't know any techniques which will work long-term. I guess each is like a band-aid to help us cope in the moments. of need.

I want you to know,we're here to listen, & offer what help we can, not being professionals or anything like that, mostly people, as you've read, with our own experiences. Together, supporting each other.😸

mmMekitty

[So_alone]

Thanks for your kind words and helpful suggestions. I can empathise with your situation as a 4 year old not knowing who your mother was and it certainly would have impacted your mental health and maybe physical health to some extent i would imagine. My childhood memories were so blurred i had to find my history through Freedom of Information and discovered it was much worse than i had anticipated but i got on with life and put it all behind me, so i thought. Had no idea it would all come back to haunt me so many years later. I think the loneliness of living alone also triggers the anxiety/panic.

[Petal22]

Hi So alone,

Well come to our forums!

Im so sorry for the way you are currently feeling I understand it would be really difficult for you.

I'm sorry for what happened to you as a child it must have been so traumatic for you when you were younger.

I believe sometimes our emotions can be stored in our body and can re surface if they have been suppressed, I feel we can heal from this but in order to heal we have to feel and accept the emotion for what it is and then make piece with it and let it go.

Sometimes this can be really hard to do on your own because of the intense anxiety we can feel.

I recommend you make an appointment with your gp and do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist who can work through things with you.

[geoff]

Hello So alone, thanks for your comment as I'm in your age group and understand what you have said.

I wonder whether you could try desensitisation as it's an effective way in reducing anxiety and panic attacks associated with fearful situations, so you imagine yourself in a progression of fearful situations and using relaxation strategies that compete with anxiety.

I'm not a doctor but it can be used to substitute a relaxation response to the conditional stimulus gradually using counter-conditioning.

If you can google it and slowly teach yourself how to use it, may help you in another way.

Let's know how you get on.

Geoff.

[Rascally]

Good morning So alone. I feel everything you are experiencing. I don’t drive far from home either as I’ve had several panic attacks while driving & nearly passed out. Had to focus my mind, 5 things I love, 5 things I can see etc. it scared me so much. I too feel a bit agoraphobic, (it’s just too peoplely out there lol), always worried I’ll run into someone I know.

A bit of background- I’m one of 5 siblings, mother widowed at an early age. Mum worked extremely hard to provide a home for us. I always thought we were a close family unit. When mum passed away that all changed & I don’t understand it. I feel I became the punching bag for everyone, I was abused, belittled, ignored, not invited to family events, many lies & stories that portrayed me as a villain. So much more. I tried for years to reconcile with them, yet I received the same treatment. I’ve now removed myself for my own protection & self worth. Their response to other relatives “oh, she doesn’t talk to us anymore, or she’s crazy”. The fact is I feel hurt beyond repair. My children don’t understand it either, they were in their early teens when mum died. They were close to their cousins, uncles & aunts & I know it’s affected them also. The whole thing is cruel, I’ve tried to organise mediation, counselling etc to no avail. One particular sibling seems to be the instigator of the treatment I’ve received. When I’ve heard about the lies I’ve stood up for myself & informed others of the truth. They are always shocked, yet continue to be unsupportive & exclude me, because it’s easier I guess.

I know it all sounds a bit crazy & paranoid, but unfortunately it’s true. I’m able to sit back & analyse the events & relationships objectively. …. Not only did I lose my mum but I lost my whole family too. They were my friends, confidants & we supported each other. That’s gone & lost forever. I’ve always been someone to resolve any issues as they arose, yet due to no response for over a decade there are too many things left unsaid & unresolved.

I understand you, “So Alone”. How do you move on? How do you stop loving people who don’t want you in their life? How do you come to terms with no one there after severe car accidents & emergency surgery to save your life? How do you live with all this love to give but no one to give it to? I’ve had to suppress the hurt & focus on my children. I’m proud to say they are lovely human beings & succeeding well. Apologies for the long post.

Please know You are not alone.

[mmMekitty]

Hi again, So alone,

I could have been clearer. I do know who my mother was. I am totally confused about why my father never spote about her. I don't know what the truth surrounding their divorce & how he came to have their kids in his care. How he could take us, with his new wife & her kids, from USA to Australia, & thereafter have no contact, not even aXmas cards or such.

& that was really just the beginning.

Eventually, I felt it was necessary for me to distance myself, completely removing myself for many years. Only having limited contact with my sis, as some legal things arose. Now we are trying to reconnect.

I understand now, there will be no 'closure' & many questions will go unanswered. Even if I had addressed my problems earlier on, I doubt the outcome would have been much different than it is.

I know there are other extended family I never knew existed. There seems no interest from them to get to know us, my father's kids. It's as if when he removed us to Australia, this limb of our family tree was pruned.

I find I feel no great urging to find 'home' or family anymore.

Last year, my sis sent me two photos of our mother, taken when my sis met her, so in the photos my mother is a small old woman. (& I am unable to see details), & she is a stranger to me. I had thought, if I had a photo, I would see or feel a connection, but there was nothing. That was sadder than anything else. That it just wasn't there.

So, feeling as I do, reading about your experience, how do your feelings run?

mmMekitty

[So_alone]

Hi, i certainly can relate to never really knowing your own mother. My parents came to Australia from Germany as displaced persons under an assumed name after the war, both are Russian. Mum's mental health was ok until i was about 4 or 5 yrs old and all i can remember is her strange behaviour one day which she never recovered from and spent weeks at a time in psychiatric hospitals. After she was treated with electo convulsive treatment a few times, i didn't know who she was anymore and neither did my dad. She attempted suicide at home one day but i dont remember how old i was. I managed to obtain her medical history from the Psychiatric hospital after she ended her life aged 69. Her medical history was so disturbing i couldn't read through all of it and still cant. I have 3 daughters and vowed i would never allow them to experience anything like i did as a child. We are very close but unfortunately 2 live interstate and the other one is about 70 kms away so me being an introvert type makes me feel well and truly alone.Your life story was very sad to read especially the part where you felt no connection with the photo of your mother. Every child needs love and nurturing from a mother or mother figure and when we're denied that it leaves an emptiness in our heart that no one can really fulfill, well it has for me.

[So_alone]

Thanks Geoff for your suggestion. I will follow it up on Google or even Youtube. I have downloaded a few guided meditation vids and use them as a distraction at night and sometimes during the day when i feel anxiety building up for no reason. Some days just a skipped heartbeat sensation can worsen the anxiety to the point of having a panic attack and other days it doesnt affect me as much. This anxiety and panic began suddenly in June 2020 and hasn't let up. Will let you how i go with desensitizing technique.

[So_alone]

Hi Rascally, i read through your post several times and after all the trauma you have been through with family and your health it wouldnt surprise me if you're suffering with a form of post traumatic stress. I often get a sensation of tremor, shakiness and weakness through my whole body and it nearly always begins around 6pm when i'm in the kitchen trying to make dinner for myself and i have to stop because fear and a sense of unreality grips me and i have to lay down till it eases off a bit. The feeling takes me back to when i was a child waiting on the roadside at around the same time of 6pm for my mother to come home, i didnt know where she was and i cried hysterically when it got dark and no sign of mum, she was back in hospital. I couldnt express or show emotions in front of my father because he would get angry with me so i kept everything bottled up. There was no counseling or mental health help for children back in the 1950's. Have you considered the possibility you may be suffering with post traumatic stress disorder. It's something i'm going to look into for myself.