I said something I regret, and cannot stop festering over it

[Nellxo]

So 2 months ago an ex friend of mine tagged me on a remix video on Facebook, saying he didn't like it. I must admit I'm not the biggest fan of remixes, so I replied to his comment saying that I didn't like it either. Within 5 minutes I had 2 people (who were friends with the person who created the page and the remix) calling me a toad, rat, ugly etc, and then continued to tag more of their friends to gang up on us. I refused to comment after that knowing it will only aggravate them more, but my friend started calling them names back. Eventually I convinced my friend to delete it and I blocked the two people who were abusing me with hurtful comments. However, I'm STILL thinking about it all to this day. I feel sick to the stomach for saying I didn't like it and am so ashamed of myself. I've been bullied my whole life and know very well how hurtful words can be, yet I did exactly what I'm against doing?! I wake up every morning in tears worried that I have seriously hurt the person who created this remix. I wish I could send the person an apology but I have forgotten the names of all the persons involved. Do you have ANY tips on how to cope with this daily guilt that I live with?

[Zeal]

Hi Nellxo,

Welcome to the forum!

Unfortunately, simple comments made online can frustrate some people easily, resulting in hurtful insults posted back, and more people adding fuel to the fire. Did you simply say you didn't like the music much? This is not offensive or rude, it's simply stating your opinion. Your ex friend started off by saying they didn't like it (and tagging you), and you just added that you weren't a fan either. I like listening to remixes (often on YouTube, but sometimes Facebook), and I often see comments below the video made by people, which states their feelings on the music compared to the original etc. Comments like the one you made are really common - I see them regularly.

These people who called you names in comments on this video honestly sound really intense, and just going by your post, I would say that they hugely overreacted. When someone posts a video on a popular social media site like Facebook, they need to realise that people will make comments, both good and bad. Unless these comments are offensive (i.e. mean, racist etc.) or abusive, they are just part of a dialogue that features people's opinions. Not everyone will love the music video. If someone is worried they will get offended by comments that aren't all positive (which is very likely online), they should consider not posting publicly in the first place.

I am a moral person who also feels guilty easily. I feel that you didn't do anything wrong, and that these people who verbally insulted you online in reaction to your stated opinion were grossly overreacting. Perhaps increase the privacy/security settings on your Facebook account. Also keep in mind that you can report things anonymously on Facebook that are offensive (the mean comments directed to you, for instance). Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk to about this situation? Having the perspective of someone you trust and respect is often helpful.

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[White_Rose]

Dear Nellxo

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope we can help you with this difficulty.

The sad part of being human is that we do and say things that hurt and harm others. Mostly it's unintentional, although this doesn't make the hurt much less. You have been bullied in the past and found out how much it hurts so you are presuming this other person was equally as hurt. In reality this other person has probably forgotten about your comment. I know this is true from my own experience.

A friend of mine wrote to me after I had left the UK, making some derogatory comment about my husband. Many years later when I returned to the UK to visit family and friends she apologised profusely. I was completely bewildered as I could not remember her ever saying anything of the sort. I still cannot remember and I am a person who remembers just about every unkind comment.

Now I know that doesn't help much, I wanted to show you how this can work out. Sometimes we get so used to caring how others feel that we forget we are entitled to our own opinions. This is what happened here. You were asked your opinion and said what you thought. I think FB has a lot to answer for. Situations such as this would not happen if the internet did not send your words around the world in a few seconds. Would you have felt more comfortable in lying about your opinion?

The people who wrote the nasty comments have behaved in a way that hurt you and my guess is that they don't realise your hurt or simply don't care. These are the real bullies, not you. Think about it. You comment that you do not like a a piece of film and immediately several others call you names and generally hassle you. What makes them right and you wrong? Did the person who made the remix make any comment? I get the impression that he/she did not say anything. people are more likely to answer if they are offended than say nothing.

You are so sensitive to the feelings of others that you are ignoring your own needs and feelings. Yes, we need to think before we blurt out comments, but often the comment is not really harmful unless someone chooses to make it a big deal.

Write a letter to this person and include the reasons why you spoke as you did. Explain that you feel bad because of the experiences you have suffered. Explain you would have liked to say this in person. Then fold up the letter and put it away. Accept this is all you can do. One day, if you remember, you can fish out the letter and burn it.

Mary