I quit my job because I was getting daily panic attacks

[So_ashamed]

Hello.

I've always been an anxious/nervous person. I struggle with mental health as well. Recently I started a call centre job, never tried it before. The training was promising but the day we started on phones I had a very painful panic attack. I froze, I had to leave early.

I went to a doctor, first time going for anxiety, usually it's for anti depressants. 

I tried going into work yesterday and today, same result. I even tried to ask the team leader if I could listen in to a coworker's call for the first hour just to work myself up to it but they said no. 

I don't like disappointing people so when customers naturally got frustrated at me it made things worse (calling me incompetent or demanding a team leader). I apologised and said I was in training. Consecutive calls I kept failing people, my brain just kept freezing. 

I broke down again and spoke to a team leader to see any other options I could do my job but sadly there wasn't, they said that type of industry might not be right for me, so I made the shameful decision and resigned. I've never felt so frustrated at myself that I couldn't handle it. 

I live with my friend who I see as family (my real family disowned me a very long time ago) but they are also my landlord. They've said in the past if I quit a job quickly they'd be upset/disappointed in me. I don't think they'd evict me but I don't have savings, I'm hoping centrelink will be able to help in the mean time (I can assure you I'm applying to many jobs, just nothing that's call centre work. I already have a job interview for next week). 

My issue is that I am absolutely petrified of letting my housemate know I've resigned. Usually I'm always open and transparent to them about everything but this is the one thing I'm too ashamed to admit. So while I job hunt I have to essentially hide outside of my home (they work from home). I don't know how long I'll be able to do so. Sorry, this seems so silly. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear So_ashamed,

I relate to your post as I started a call centre job when I was 25. I was an especially anxious person then and I experienced a lot of fear taking calls, worrying I was going to stuff up in some way. Sometimes the supervisor would listen in to our calls to see how we were going, and that would make me even more nervous and I'd feel like I'd not interacted well with the caller because of it. I lasted in the job for 8 months but I did find it a pressure environment (expected to get through calls in a set amount of time and constantly monitored).

I feel sorry that they didn't allow you to listen to a co-worker's call for an hour as you suggested so you could work yourself up to it. To me that showed insight and emotional intelligence on your part. You recognised that a process of titration, where you are more gradually and gently exposed to the process so you can learn it and feel more confident, could work for you. It's really a shame that your workplace (and many other workplaces) do not accommodate for people experiencing mental health challenges such as anxiety.

I really want to emphasise that you should not feel ashamed for the anxiety. When there is a challenging family history, as it sounds like there has been for you, anxiety is actually very common and a normal response. As a child, teenager and younger adult my anxiety and fear was through the roof. I would shake easily and feel overwhelmed by almost everything. If it's any encouragement, it is something that eventually starts to dissipate as you go through life experience. I recently had a backwards slide because of a trauma therapy that didn't go well, but overall I don't live with the same level of constant very high intense anxiety that was so paralysing when younger. It's been a gradual process of learning safety for me, developing strategies for calming my nervous system and self-reassurance.

As I don't know your housemate, I don't know how they would react to you telling them about what happened. But if they are usually a kind, supportive person, you may find they are more understanding than you think. Sometimes when we are open about our vulnerabilities with the right people it actually brings more closeness and understanding, and an opportunity for someone like your housemate to give you some support. But I guess sense into that yourself as to whether you think they may actually be supportive. It's so important to know there is no shame in vulnerability and there are many people like you who struggle with anxiety.

A few things that have helped me at various times have included simple meditation that focuses on the breath and grounding practices that bring me back to my senses and the present moment. I think I'm running out of space to write more but happy to discuss further if you want to. I really hope the job interview goes well next week. Take good care and be really kind to yourself. You haven't done anything wrong. You have done your best and there is no need to feel shame. Sending you a big hug 🤗

Eagle Ray

[Lost_Soul]

Hey, 

I know its easy for me to say this, but it is not shameful to quit a job. You tried your best and that's all that matters. You are not incompetent, you are just struggling with anxiety/panic attacks. I heard this from a wise old man that really helped me see things in a more positive and truth way. "Never let anyone comment on how you are as a person. Why? Cause only you know who you truly are. Other people just see your actions and that's it. You are the expert in the knowledge of your own self, and your relationship with yourself is guaranteed for life." 

Please take care xx.