I’m so tired of hating my body (TW) vent

...Gekota · ‎03-01-2022

I wish I were normal. Everyday I look in a mirror and hate it. The amount of times I’ve been told I have to love myself or learn to I just want to scream I always want to scream but I never do. I’m so tired of seeing skinny people getting to wear whatever they want or eat whatever they want and not care. I’m so tired of hating my body because I’m in a girls body and hating how my hips and my thighs and my butt will never be like a boys no matter how hard I try. I try so hard and it’s never enough because I will never be enough for myself. I hate how people call me a girl because of this body. “Miss” “she” “her” I’m so so so tired and there is never an end. Food I can’t stop thinking about food I want it to go away. I hate how I’m forced to eat I hate when I choose to eat. I was so skinny as a kid curve less and small and I was so happy I loved myself why couldn’t it have stayed that way. I hate looking a boys and wishing so badly I could be them. It’s so hard. I hate how I can’t go to a changing room at a shopping centre without having a panic attack and running out. I look at my older brother who will eat all this crap and is so skinny and tall and everything I wish I could be. I hate how for the past year i having been fearing the change in school uniform as I hate the way I look in the trousers but I can’t let myself pretend to be a girl for another year I hate how I stress about the shirts if I get the boys I’ll have to tuck it in and be reminded of my hips and my thighs and my body and my gender and if I get the girls shirt I’ll have to listen to how people call me a girl or how uncomfortable it feels to be in the girls uniform. I can’t wear trousers or jeans no matter the style because I hate the way my legs look in them and if it’s not my legs I hate the way my butt and hips stick out as they are so much larger then the rest of me. I reminder I will always be a girl. I can’t wear shorts because there either too short and I’m not ready to be stared at because of my scars or they don’t fit on my body because they were made for a male body. I can’t wear leggings or anything that appears to feminine as I will hate myself so much more. There is so much I hate. I just want to love me I want to love my body and not fear or break down over meals or run away and hide when people talk about weight I wish I were one of the many skinny people I see daily who can wear whatever they want because everything was made for them. I hate this world. I hate it so much.

HappyHelper88 · ‎03-01-2022

Hey There thankyou for your post and welcome,

Im so sorry to hear about what your experiencing it can be hard to love yourself when your just not happy with what you see in the mirror
My body changed a lot from when I was younger and I have my days where I feel like this too

Just remember you are unique and beautiful in your own way I know things seem tough at the moment especially going through high school but things will get easier I promise

Have you spoken to someone about these feelings? A friend or family member you can trust? its important to talk about how your feeling and it may even benefit you talking to a counsellor or psychologist

If you would like to talk to someone please reach out, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

or you can also speak with QLife who specialises in support for LGBTQ on https://qlife.org.au/
You can call them 7 days a week too

I hope this helps

...Gekota · ‎06-01-2022

Thank you very much for your response and kind words. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be happy with my body like a cisgender person can. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist but I feel as though she talks to me as more of a project then a person. And when I built up the courage to come out to her the first thing she asked was “and have you’ve gotten your period” and that was it, it made me feel really uncomfortable not only because of my dysphoria but also Because it took me so much time to say that but she pretty much said nothing and wrote it down for 5 minutes. I haven’t been able to talk to my family about this as I’m not out yet and although I plan on giving them a coming out letter I’m not sure if I will chicken out or go through as I’m terrified they’ll think me being trans is a trend or something. So at the moment no I don’t really have anyone to talk to about my body dysphoria except my cat.