I'm done acting fine

dear_jieon

Ever since Covid My Anxiety spiraled and now it's dangerously high. I would get bullied for existing, liking mainstream music just to fit it, have social media just to fit in, for just being a female and for "being fat" when I'm healthy at best. I had been sent d3ath thr3ats on Discord from this random girl telling me that I was unwanted and that I should h_ng mys3lf (this girl doesnt even know me), i had been manipulated and a target of being a liar during Primary school to the point nobody could even believe my side on of stories even with evidence only because my jealous fake friends wants my life to be miserable. Now I get bullied for the people i hang, when i hang with a popular person, i get bashed or neglected, when i hang with an outcast, i would be called a rat. I would even getting bullied for not know how to play Basketball when I dislike the sport, like i nearly cried. I would ask questions since my head would blank out only for students to groan at me and say that "i'm dumb". If i try to be confident i will get bullied for it again because it will come off as "attention seeking". I feel like I wanna go genderless but if I do I will also get Bullied for being different. It's like i dont even belong on the world, i cant even talk face to face about my struggles without tearing up or sounding like a drowning rat with my mouth trembling, scared i will be judged for it. I cant even make eye contact for 3 seconds without looking away time to time. And then i get bullied for having a iPod as a type of Phone Replacement, not having fancy technology or a clean bedroom, i would even get bullied for wearing clothing which "isnt female". And it doesnt help that I go to the city to stay with my nan for the holidays who would make me feel even more worst as she wants me to be feminine so badly and i dont wanna say no incase she says false info about my family (like she did in the pass). And since I live in a small town i would be scared if something which is family business goes out to the public, i would be shamed on and harassed. I'm just scared of everything and I just need some valid advice.

Croix

Dear_jieon~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. It is a peaceful place and nobody is disparaging or bullying. Everyone here has has hard times and that makes one more empathetic and want to help

It sounds like when COVID hit many people, including yourself, had to rely more upon social media and multi-player games for social contact. This is not a good way to get to know people, everything is exaggerated, toxic peole are not stopped and generally it can be an uncomfortable place

This seems to have carried over into real life and your anxiety -as you say yourself - is dangerously high.

As someone with an anxiety condition myself I found I could not make myself better. It took clinical help before things improved. As a result may I ask you if you are receiving clinical treatment?

I also found personal support, in the shape of a family member, who would listen, not judge and would care. Do you have anyone like that?

I found as time went on I worried less, and relationships wiht other people on-line or in real life turning bad did not worry nearly so much. As long as I behaved reasonably in my own eyes that was just about enough Life became a lot more comfortable.

I hope you would like to talk some more

Croix

therising

Hi dear_jieon

I'm so glad you've come here to the forums to seek advice, while also giving yourself the opportunity to freely express your self without fear of harsh judgement and bullying. I'm also glad you've met with Croix, who offers brilliant advice and who can relate to where you're coming from.

While my 19yo son faced judgement and bullying throughout a lot of his primary and secondary school years, eventually he was able to find a different way of looking at things, a way which has come to serve him. The two revelations that made a difference to him

Being sensitive means you can sense incredibly well (something not everyone can do easily). So, no, sensitivity doesn't mean you're 'weak', it's about an ability that needs to be mastered. It can require a number of skills. One of the skills my son has learned includes the skill of emotional detachment, a skill that needs to be accessed under certain circumstances. It's not about 'toughening up' it's about skill development and impressive levels of self mastery. Btw, bullies will typically be drawn to people who can feel or sense easily
When it comes to mental health issues and facing people who can be anxiety inducing and depressing, there's a serious need to question who really has the greatest mental health issues to begin with. For example, is the person who insists we take our own life really all that mentally healthy? Are the people who laugh and make fun of us for us wanting to be who we naturally are really all that mentally healthy? Is it the sign of great mental health for people to be obsessing and continuously commenting regarding the clothes we choose to wear? Haven't they got better things to be doing or focusing on? You gotta question 'Where the heck are these people coming from and what is up with them?'

Being a sensitive gal myself, I've found it can also be about validation. When you touch base with other sensitive people it tends to change things significantly, as you're not the only person sensing or feeling the challenging nature of a situation, the highly questionable behaviour of others, the serious lack of filter certain folk have etc.

In regard to sensing or feeling, I've found there are two extreme ends of the spectrum or scale, extremely sensitive and extremely emotionally detached. Then there are various degrees of sensitivity and emotional detachment in between. Self mastery can involve mastering the scale so that you can slide up and down it with some ease, increasing the volume of sensitivity or reducing it. An example of reducing it can involve feeling a person's deeply depressing comment and then emotionally detaching from it through diving straight into pure analysis or pure wonder ('What the hell would lead a person to make such a mentally disturbing comment?'). The focus shifts from the energy in motion or e-motion you're feeling and observing within yourself to focusing outwardly. Of course, this can take a lot of practice before it starts to become a little easier over time. It's definitely a challenge when new emotions pop up for us to make sense of and manage, something that will happen throughout the whole of our life while we develop and evolve through emotions.

As you step foot on your path of self mastery, it's so important to be proud of who you naturally are. ❤️